Written Tuesday February 25 Day 9, for S really
Fixed a date with S to go to Basel (Friday week). Goodee. Listened to Laurence’s opening talk, after supper and talking to Jim for an hour. Stupid Catherine did her silly I’m the boss routine, talking to me like a naughty schoolboy, because I got up after Laurence said good night and asked who needed a lift back to the Tuileries (Isabelle and Belen) - Catherine telling me to be quiet because the silence had started. Should have shouted Fire. Told her to wind her neck in (not in so many words but she got the message - a quiet word with me later and a bit of respect would have done the trick much better) Talk about screaming ego (mine, not hers) aaarggh
Sebastien has us reading another chunk of Jean Vanier for next Friday. Jim felt very strongly that Laurence should say something to the WCCM worldwide about it, they’ve trailed in Vanier’s clouds of glory for years, and he did a John Main seminar not so long ago, there must be a lot of confused meditators out there at the mo’ who need to be told what to think.(joke)
Ate supper on my own (MK had saved me a plate) very tempted to have a swig of wine with it, felt so up about my day, but I didn’t and I’m very glad. Aura & Danielle had made delicious bruschetta. Sort of missing Lachlan already, and he’s only been gone a day. Strange how close one gets to people. Veronika from Nuremberg looks more holy by the day (she’s off on Friday), like a picture by Raphael. And even Aura and Danielle are getting a bit smilier - I asked Danielle what they’re planning and he said they’re staying, this place suits them, which I was pleased to hear. I wonder what C and G will do, and will we be consulted?
Time for bed (it’s Monday night - 10:30). I’m in bed, but I should read and sleep now. Up at 6 to get the bread and fetch Belen from Santander via Les Tuileries for 7:20 meditation.
6:21 having been so cheered by S’s call to Basel, I went to sleep glum again (a reality check?) having read our emails and messages of the past few days. My own fault, really, not letting go and moving on, staying in the moment. On the other hand perhaps it’s better not to get too carried away, we’ve still got work to do, always will have. And remember love and support, not separation and resentment. On the bright side I’ve lost £600 on ITM plc, and I keep thinking it’s a bit ” lucky in cards unlucky in love “ - the more distant and unhappy we’ve been, the more money I seem to make. Stick with it - I reckon 145p is a fair long term price (it’s dropped to 123p from a high of 165). And if losing my now not so little pile of money is the sacrifice / bribe I have to pay to fate / god / the cosmos / life for returning to the Garden with Eve, it’s ridiculously cheap, and keeping the pot very little comfort if we don’t work through it.
A bit of a restless night, but mind body heart OK I think. Richard Rohr’s invited me to a conference in Albuquerque in May. Seriously thought about going and asking S if she’d like to come, but it clashes with Ecology here I think. Really good talking to Laurence yesterday about managing the estate, and all it’s richesses, showing him all les empreintes and the prairie humide and talking about the trees Dominique found. He wants me to organise 40 minute guided tours for retreats and other visitors.
Coffee last night after supper, listening to Laurence—>restless night?
Run out of storage on phone. Delete YouTube on Ash Wednesday.
The truth is, I’m afraid of being hurt again, as S is, of entrusting my heart to another and giving her (or the community here) the power to break it. But that is false consciousness - the darkness and fear and loneliness are inside me, and the answer to all that is inside me too. I just have not to pour my darkness into S, and not let her darkness drown or overwhelm me, to see it for what it is, her pain and fear; not react to it, but respond. Or just be still, and wait. Suzuki “mirroring” his students, by just being himself, so that they could see what they were, for themselves, and not just blindly react to his judgement or rejection of them. (Vanier on Community pp 25 following). My reacting to Catherine last night - completely unnecessary and destructive - I could have just smiled and shrugged, and got on with taking Belen and Isabelle home to les Tuis. Or just asked her if she wanted to take them back. I bet she’d have said yes.
For me we (S and I) it’s a challenge because I’m being taken back to face the demons that I’ve already failed with twice. For S maybe, the challenge is to try , perhaps for the first time, to let her guard down, to trust another person with her heart (which is so much more than ‘friendship’ , just as a community is so much more than just a group with a common interest ). I’ve got my life, meditation, sobriety, even this community (broken and wounded maybe, but so much more than just a group). S has much less, right now, to fall back on. I need to be much kinder to her. And less of a coyote, be someone she can trust(why my drinking upsets her so - I cannot be relied on if I’m drunk)
I want us to grow together, side by side, companions on the journey, helpmeets for each other, go deeper, love more fully and completely. Not just an Anglo-Swiss peace pact, where we just agree to differ, see each other occasionally, avoid hurting and being hurt, by staying in the shallows, on opposite sides of the river, waving sadly at each other , fading away. I don’t know how we do that, where we go from here, but that’s what I want.
And love is a label, just like god. No one really knows what it points to, so you’re right not to use the word (I’ve noticed, not at all, for some time). Is a lipstick kiss a good alternative? Or an x? For me, I know what I’m talking about when I say I love you, but perhaps I should articulate that for you, because it is not friendship (although some friendships can be truly loving) or caring, merely - we can care for someone for all sorts of reasons other than love. I also know what I am talking about when I say that inside me, inside each one of us, there is an infinite ocean of the stuff. The trick of it is, to be pure and simple and humble enough to see it, drown in it, swim over it forever
Like the ocean on CS Lewis’s Perelandra, or Out of the Silent Planet
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