What am I afraid to face about the situation with Susanne? Is there a situation? Why is she being so weird about Christmas, or why do I feel that she’s being weird about Christmas,? If she really is giving me a long slow brush off , What should I do about it? And why isn’t she talking about us, her feelings?
If I was truly free what would I do? I always used to think freedom would come with effectively limitless money, a lottery win big enough for me to do what I wanted. If that is no longer true (and it probably never was) and if I am in fact as Susanne says completely free to do what I want, what do I want to do? Apart from go off in a hissy fit and get blind drunk. Talk about dearth of imagination.
Listening to Richard Rohr talking about the enneagram. He says if I am not enjoying my life at a deep foundational level then I am doing something wrong. I genuinely do not know whether for the last few months I have been enjoying my life at a deep foundational level or whether in fact I’ve been just deep down miserable, but if the latter, I am not sure what I have been doing wrong.Clearly drinking was not a good idea, maybe my relationship with S was the problem, maybe the way I am trying to be at Bonnevaux is wrong. What Richard Rohr is saying is that I am pretending, wanting to appear to others in a way that will make them feel good about me. I am certainly not aware of myself doing that, in fact the reverse. I definitely do not go around being good or being busy nor do I really try to make myself less disagreeable than I actually feel. So if I am not being dishonest with myself, perhaps the problem really is out there and not in here. And that I should be brave enough and bold enough to tell it as I see it in my paper to the community. And it is definitely to the community, not to Laurence, the leadership team, or any other little group that thinks it owns the vision for Bonnevaux.
Projecting, denying, splitting, avoiding
Note for Jim at 5pm I don’t want to start making a home of my room in the abbaye. This place feels alien to me. Where to invest my effort? A car to tow away my caravan, or a van, or buckle down to living here. Which is the horse called disappointment? Staying is the easy option, requires least effort. But leaving is maybe just running away again. Or frightening because there are no certainties. And even if staying is physically easier psychologically and emotionally it feels tougher more challenging. But there is also ego involved, I don’t want to let the buggers win. But I don’t want to stay here half heartedly, grumbling and muttering, being irritable and negative and constantly carping.
I just typed a long blog post full of challenging questions for myself, and saved it, and the fucking thing has disappeared - it didn’t have a title!?
Just decide what is most important for me tomorrow and do it. Write the fucking letter and be damned.
And now I’ve gone and lost another long post, fortunately a copy of my email to Belle, do not altogether lost, but rather shakes my confidence in this app. I think it expects to be on line all the time, even when I tell it we’re offline.
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Say anything you like. I do.