It’s raining again. I woke up early and went to sleep too late, watching the first half of “Her” , but I was good and turned it off before midnight but then I phutzed around listening to the 10 pm news and other stuff so I ended up getting about five hours sleep. I went to 6:30 meditation and now I’m sitting in the caravan looking at the rain pouring down the windows and wondering if we will ever see the sun again. My batteries are very sad. I’m Dean this week so I have to do theRule this morning which will be the first time this week, so I can’t hide here for the rest of the day much though I would like to. I’ve sort of arranged with Lily for me and S to stay with her and Fred when we come to see the play but I’m not completely comfortable with the idea and I may book us a hotel. I’m also getting twitched about transport when I’m in England; that if I don’t have a car I won’t be able to go and see the Swefflings or the Keeling’s or escape from wherever (particularly Johnny and Ingrid). Mind you after yesterday I don’t suppose I will be staying with them. No response from Ingrid to my apology and explanation. I seem to be getting a lot of negative responses (well more than one) and it’s a bit depressing. But as Sadhguru said I’ve given no one else permission to make me sad.
Paranoia. My almost immediate assumption that someone has been reading my blog and is taking offense. That real paranoia is precisely perhaps believing that other people can read our thoughts, see what we really think about them. So does writing the blog make this worse or better? I’m not sure.
I don’t want to start making a home of my room in the abbaye. This place feels alien to me. Where to invest my effort? A car to tow away my caravan, or a van, or buckle down to living here. Which is the horse called disappointment? Staying is the easy option, requires least effort. But leaving is maybe just running away again. Or frightening because there are no certainties. And even if staying is physically easier psychologically and emotionally it feels tougher more challenging. But there is also ego involved, I don’t want to let the buggers win. But I don’t want to stay here half heartedly, grumbling and muttering, being irritable and negative and constantly carping.
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