Running away from S last night. She spent the evening with Kathleen. Talking about Laurence (and his tireless travelling and talking to raise money for Bonnevaux) and Kathleen (a good listener apparently). Not terribly interested in an evening’s jigsaw assembly. I shaved and said good night at 9:30, hugely relieved to get away. It just started to feel bad and no sense it might get better. She’s spending the desert day working on the accounts and going for a walk with Henriette.
Searching for books in the cave
Daniel Dennett versus Keith Ward (1-0 to DD). I’m definitely more materialist / pragmatist than idealist, and there is no mind-body or body-awareness split
Rumi and Thomas
finding La Regle and giving it to Sebastien
Kathleen’s arrival
email Antoinette and apologise for yesterday
1000 piece jigsaw to SB
beginning the Brothers K
pumping my tyre
checking for leaks in the roof with Seb
no-one at lunch and evening meditation yesterday (well, just a handful, but then there aren’t many of us here anyway. It’s rather nice).
Feelings this morning/last night
1. Denial and isolation; 4/5 – tried to get together last night, but I just wanted to get out, almost as soon as I got to her room. Strange to link denial with isolation, but maybe isolation is a kind of denial – hide in my caravan and wait for her to change. And isolating from the community
2. Anger; 3/5 – spending all evening talking to Kathleen, her remarks about K and Laurence, her plans for today
3. Bargaining; 1/5 – I feel myself in no position to bargain, nothing to offer or say. Hopeless. Toying (again) with saying I won’t come to Basel/don’t come to London. That’s more a case of 1 and 2. Maybe shock her into saying something, or doing something positive (i.e. for us).
4. Depression; 4/5 – this morning. Felt pretty good about things yesterday (hence the disappointment with her in the evening). Hate this cold mad feeling, not at all the pure grief when Sukie left me; a lot of suppressed anger. And just lonely and rejected.
5. Acceptance 2/5 – more resignation than acceptance
Woke at 5:30. Watched The Do-Over last night. Funny. Violent and rude. Happy ending. Then read Brothers K. Very good.
Listening to an oddly depressing podcast about the decline in the global population – world birthrates are already at or below replacement level, even in Sub Saharan Africa and South America (1.5 births per couple). By the time Alba is 30 the world population will be in decline. Ironically, for individual countries immigration is an answer.
Meditation
She is crucifying me / I am crucifying myself; there is no coming back, no resurrection. She ended it weeks ago, when or before she decided to go back to Basel, and everything else has just been avoiding unpleasantness, or her hiding from herself what she was really doing / feeling. And me in denial.
Go shopping. Have a shower (I smell like her crutch) and clear my stuff out of her room.
Searching for books in the cave
Daniel Dennett versus Keith Ward (1-0 to DD). I’m definitely more materialist / pragmatist than idealist, and there is no mind-body or body-awareness split
Rumi and Thomas
finding La Regle and giving it to Sebastien
Kathleen’s arrival
email Antoinette and apologise for yesterday
1000 piece jigsaw to SB
beginning the Brothers K
pumping my tyre
checking for leaks in the roof with Seb
no-one at lunch and evening meditation yesterday (well, just a handful, but then there aren’t many of us here anyway. It’s rather nice).
Feelings this morning/last night
1. Denial and isolation; 4/5 – tried to get together last night, but I just wanted to get out, almost as soon as I got to her room. Strange to link denial with isolation, but maybe isolation is a kind of denial – hide in my caravan and wait for her to change. And isolating from the community
2. Anger; 3/5 – spending all evening talking to Kathleen, her remarks about K and Laurence, her plans for today
3. Bargaining; 1/5 – I feel myself in no position to bargain, nothing to offer or say. Hopeless. Toying (again) with saying I won’t come to Basel/don’t come to London. That’s more a case of 1 and 2. Maybe shock her into saying something, or doing something positive (i.e. for us).
4. Depression; 4/5 – this morning. Felt pretty good about things yesterday (hence the disappointment with her in the evening). Hate this cold mad feeling, not at all the pure grief when Sukie left me; a lot of suppressed anger. And just lonely and rejected.
5. Acceptance 2/5 – more resignation than acceptance
Woke at 5:30. Watched The Do-Over last night. Funny. Violent and rude. Happy ending. Then read Brothers K. Very good.
Listening to an oddly depressing podcast about the decline in the global population – world birthrates are already at or below replacement level, even in Sub Saharan Africa and South America (1.5 births per couple). By the time Alba is 30 the world population will be in decline. Ironically, for individual countries immigration is an answer.
Meditation
She is crucifying me / I am crucifying myself; there is no coming back, no resurrection. She ended it weeks ago, when or before she decided to go back to Basel, and everything else has just been avoiding unpleasantness, or her hiding from herself what she was really doing / feeling. And me in denial.
Go shopping. Have a shower (I smell like her crutch) and clear my stuff out of her room.
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