Friday 14 December 2018. Day 198. Day 2. (contd)
A good day. Didn’t do a lot, but I didn’t waste time, and I didn’t stress myself. It was fun just fiddling in the caravan. And a good discussion with CREN in the afternoon. I didn’t say much as they were all talking French all the time. AC joined us from Grenoble by phone, but I couldn’t get much of what he was saying. Julien Bancatrotti and Matt spoke very clearly. TL does speak very fast and he has an accent, not always easy to follow him. CREN work with private property owners to help them navigate the French bureau-scary, and defend themselves against its worst excesses. Also to apply for grants and subsidies – quite a lot available over the next few years under an EU programme to improve water quality (so whatever we do to the lake needs to conform to that and exploit it).
AC cooked cauliflower cheese under DC’s supervision. i.e. DC cooked cauliflower cheese but let AC pretend he’d had something to do with it. DC complained how tasteless French lardons are (they’d bought a packet for the cauliflower cheese) – I said she should have bought proper smoked ham from the butcher’s counter and had him chop it up – or even ask him for panchetta. He’d probably pretend not to know what that was.
The keys to the flat in Barcelona arrived yesterday, in the middle of 12:00 meditation. I heard the loud knocking – the poor post woman has no idea which door to use (and the last one she used has been filled in) and no one was around. DC was struggling out of the EdSpace when I came down and outside. 2 packages – meds for DC and keys for me, with a very clever coded message from SB which I haven’t yet managed to decipher.
TL really quite disagreeable all day. Worried about his party perhaps. Seems pissed off with me for some reason, but then he’s been like that since he got his maraichage. I finally ticked him off about unplugging things without asking, and in this case, entirely unnecessarily. He wanted to play the piano, so he just unplugged my laptop which was completely exhausted, hence plugged in. I just went up and unplugged the keyboard and told him off in very clear terms, and then plugged everything in using the extension blog and lead, which if he’d bothered was there to use all the time. He’s a bit Laura Clarke like – just focuses on what he wants, and basically pushes everything / everyone else aside. Just as he’s monomaniacal about the maraichage (not sharing it with SB), organic principles – you either are or you aren’t and the slightest infraction of the rules and you’re not – you can’t be a bit organic – and very angry, always, about farmers pretending to be organic. Who are his friends? Does no one talk sense to him? And unplugging things and switching lights off. They should be unplugged and switched off, so I will go round unplugging and switching them off regardless. But I also leave the front door open every time I come in or go out. Maybe he’s just dropped his guard. Also a spoilt mummy’s boy. Also fatherless (which may be his problem with me). I saw a photo of his father (who he idolises, I guess – died when he was about 12) – looked exactly like TL. (Only it turned out it wasn't his father, it was him)
And JB from CREN looked wonderfully ugly – great hooked beak of a nose, very stringy and thin, strange auburn wispy hair, could have stepped out of one of those Victorian fairy tale woodcut illustrations – Rumpelstiltskin by Dore or the English illustrator??? begins with R?
AC bought down his and D’s Christmas decorations. Nice tasteful wooden ones in greens and reds, and lots of lights, so he and TL dressed the tree and decorated the salon. The whole effect is rather sad and naff looking. TL should go and cut down greenery and get brightly coloured cloths (e.g. my lovely seat covers) and go a bit mad – the salon’s much too grand and French for a bit of Christmas tat. I’m going to hang curtains up for him this morning. Then off to Convergence 86 and the great meditators' get together at Blue and Green, wherever that is. Meeting up with J-CM. Jacqueline (JM) was great yesterday. Arrived at 2 pm with J-CM for his meeting with J-CC to discuss the schedule of all J-CC’s jobs that Jean-Claude has been working on – really impressive spreadsheet with exact measurements of everything – so Jacqueline looks around and notes state of the salon (basically covered in 3 or 4 weeks of builders’ plaster and cement dust, floors / walls / furniture). I and TL go upstairs to meet JB and Matt from CREN, AC does something useless (unkind, but I doubt he contributed much) with J-CM and J-CC, and Jacqueline spring cleans the salon. It looks wonderful. And she has disappeared before we get down stairs again. KC retired to her room with the vapours (a silent migraine i.e. there is no headache but there are “other symptoms”). I think DC has as much time for her as I have.
A nice supper. I do the washing up and update my blog in the kitchen. TL plays beautiful things on the piano, and then starts work on his laptop. He has done a minute of our meeting with CREN, which I’ll add to.
And I suppose I should do something about the “food agreement” that KC has produced. Except
a) there wasn’t a problem
b) all the issues raised we have been discussing (bio / non-bio, veggie / meat, local sourcing, bulk buying), weekly food ordering / budgeting
c) her language and approach – dualistic, patronising, lecturing us.
Had she sourced local suppliers or bulk suppliers, that would have been helpful. As it is she has just created work, to produce an unpleasant document that I suspect will be ignored, and pissed off at least 2 of us. I think TL likes it because he can tell us to be organic and bio. The exact reverse of Jacqueline, who arrived, saw a real problem, and did something to sort it out. KC arrived, desperate to use her ‘skills’ to ‘sort us out’, concocts a non-problem (she ignores all the existing systems of shopping lists, labelled shelving, doesn’t even know we have a food budget – never asked me or AC – the opposite of an analyst) and then produces a non-solution. Yet from her talk on Thursday night, I got the impression she had achieved something. Only it turned out they hadn’t, really. Went into a community run by nuns where 25 people came to mass, changed everything, came back in 5 years, same 25 people coming to mass. Was it here, all over again?
Saturday 15 December 2018. Day 199. Day 3.
Woke up at 4am and turned the heating on, and then dozed until 6. The nice thing about not smoking is I don’t have to wake up to make myself a cigarette.
Helped Thomas sort out the Salon for his party (secured the back door, hung up curtains, re-swept the floor, re-arranged the furniture, re-dressed the tree – clearly not something either Thomas or Andrew had ever done or had any idea how to do). Then grabbed a late bowl of pasta and retired to the caravan for an hour, leaving Kathleen beavering away in the kitchen at more cakes, buns, lemon butter. I think Thomas mulled some wine and produced some laminated signs, and had quite a long chat on the phone in the office.
I left with Jean-Claude and Jacqueline at 4:30 for the Convergence86 do in Poitiers. All the meditators assembled from everywhere (I think the Tibetan nuns from St Sauvin came the furthest). Our Zen abbot who visited us in the summer about holding a retreat here came up to say hello after and I told him we must come and visit him in his dojo. I still have his card in the Naked Now as my bookmark. All very jolly. And J-C managed our contribution very well. We were last of the 13 groups to read our little piece. J-C talked briefly about the Poitiers group, Bonnevaux and the WCCM and then we alternated French and English reading the closing prayer, which was rather appropriate for the whole thing, and could have been planned. Then we all (about 120 of us) meditated for 20 minutes and went home about 7:40. Brigitte arrived late, she’d been caught by the gilets jaunes, which J-C had cleverly guided us around in the dark through St Benoit. I chatted all day in a sort of French.
La B had had a nice afternoon with her mum, said she’d told her about me, so this must be serious, and then went to bed at 9:30. I ended up going to sleep pretty early too, after watching a couple of YouTube videos. SB took a brilliant sky scape, like a Fuseli or a Turner, on the way to Schwyz. Be a good cover for Metanoia.
Sunday 16 December 2018. Day 200. Day 4.
Woke up at 6am and turned the heating on, started making my tea and the gas ran out. Made a note that I have changed it today, not sure how long this bottle has actually lasted, keeping me warm all the time and making teas and coffees and porridge. Quite pleased with the efficient way I changed the bottle, in the dark and cold, and me still in my sarong.
Then in my selfless way I drove off at 7:20 to the boulanger to get some croissants for breakfast. Very foggy, could only see about 5 – 10 metres ahead of the car. Home to do Thomas’ washing up and meditate with AC and K.
I only have one thing to do today – make a Christmas card for Belle and post it. Everything else can wait.
TL is preparing the agenda for the environment committee meeting on the 20th – I told him to send it to me, which he said he’d do. He’s definitely itching to grab all the reins asap. He’s much too young and doctrinaire and keen.
Running out is clearly a theme for the day. Went for a long walk after lunch, which was lovely, and then got back to the caravan to find the electricity was running out. Spent a fruitless hour checking and reconnecting the batteries and inverter, and then everything packed up – the gas heater stopped, it won’t work without electric, and now the meter is just showing a single red light. I may spend the night in the house. Better warn Kathleen.
A good day. Didn’t do a lot, but I didn’t waste time, and I didn’t stress myself. It was fun just fiddling in the caravan. And a good discussion with CREN in the afternoon. I didn’t say much as they were all talking French all the time. AC joined us from Grenoble by phone, but I couldn’t get much of what he was saying. Julien Bancatrotti and Matt spoke very clearly. TL does speak very fast and he has an accent, not always easy to follow him. CREN work with private property owners to help them navigate the French bureau-scary, and defend themselves against its worst excesses. Also to apply for grants and subsidies – quite a lot available over the next few years under an EU programme to improve water quality (so whatever we do to the lake needs to conform to that and exploit it).
AC cooked cauliflower cheese under DC’s supervision. i.e. DC cooked cauliflower cheese but let AC pretend he’d had something to do with it. DC complained how tasteless French lardons are (they’d bought a packet for the cauliflower cheese) – I said she should have bought proper smoked ham from the butcher’s counter and had him chop it up – or even ask him for panchetta. He’d probably pretend not to know what that was.
The keys to the flat in Barcelona arrived yesterday, in the middle of 12:00 meditation. I heard the loud knocking – the poor post woman has no idea which door to use (and the last one she used has been filled in) and no one was around. DC was struggling out of the EdSpace when I came down and outside. 2 packages – meds for DC and keys for me, with a very clever coded message from SB which I haven’t yet managed to decipher.
TL really quite disagreeable all day. Worried about his party perhaps. Seems pissed off with me for some reason, but then he’s been like that since he got his maraichage. I finally ticked him off about unplugging things without asking, and in this case, entirely unnecessarily. He wanted to play the piano, so he just unplugged my laptop which was completely exhausted, hence plugged in. I just went up and unplugged the keyboard and told him off in very clear terms, and then plugged everything in using the extension blog and lead, which if he’d bothered was there to use all the time. He’s a bit Laura Clarke like – just focuses on what he wants, and basically pushes everything / everyone else aside. Just as he’s monomaniacal about the maraichage (not sharing it with SB), organic principles – you either are or you aren’t and the slightest infraction of the rules and you’re not – you can’t be a bit organic – and very angry, always, about farmers pretending to be organic. Who are his friends? Does no one talk sense to him? And unplugging things and switching lights off. They should be unplugged and switched off, so I will go round unplugging and switching them off regardless. But I also leave the front door open every time I come in or go out. Maybe he’s just dropped his guard. Also a spoilt mummy’s boy. Also fatherless (which may be his problem with me). I saw a photo of his father (who he idolises, I guess – died when he was about 12) – looked exactly like TL. (Only it turned out it wasn't his father, it was him)
And JB from CREN looked wonderfully ugly – great hooked beak of a nose, very stringy and thin, strange auburn wispy hair, could have stepped out of one of those Victorian fairy tale woodcut illustrations – Rumpelstiltskin by Dore or the English illustrator??? begins with R?
AC bought down his and D’s Christmas decorations. Nice tasteful wooden ones in greens and reds, and lots of lights, so he and TL dressed the tree and decorated the salon. The whole effect is rather sad and naff looking. TL should go and cut down greenery and get brightly coloured cloths (e.g. my lovely seat covers) and go a bit mad – the salon’s much too grand and French for a bit of Christmas tat. I’m going to hang curtains up for him this morning. Then off to Convergence 86 and the great meditators' get together at Blue and Green, wherever that is. Meeting up with J-CM. Jacqueline (JM) was great yesterday. Arrived at 2 pm with J-CM for his meeting with J-CC to discuss the schedule of all J-CC’s jobs that Jean-Claude has been working on – really impressive spreadsheet with exact measurements of everything – so Jacqueline looks around and notes state of the salon (basically covered in 3 or 4 weeks of builders’ plaster and cement dust, floors / walls / furniture). I and TL go upstairs to meet JB and Matt from CREN, AC does something useless (unkind, but I doubt he contributed much) with J-CM and J-CC, and Jacqueline spring cleans the salon. It looks wonderful. And she has disappeared before we get down stairs again. KC retired to her room with the vapours (a silent migraine i.e. there is no headache but there are “other symptoms”). I think DC has as much time for her as I have.
A nice supper. I do the washing up and update my blog in the kitchen. TL plays beautiful things on the piano, and then starts work on his laptop. He has done a minute of our meeting with CREN, which I’ll add to.
And I suppose I should do something about the “food agreement” that KC has produced. Except
a) there wasn’t a problem
b) all the issues raised we have been discussing (bio / non-bio, veggie / meat, local sourcing, bulk buying), weekly food ordering / budgeting
c) her language and approach – dualistic, patronising, lecturing us.
Had she sourced local suppliers or bulk suppliers, that would have been helpful. As it is she has just created work, to produce an unpleasant document that I suspect will be ignored, and pissed off at least 2 of us. I think TL likes it because he can tell us to be organic and bio. The exact reverse of Jacqueline, who arrived, saw a real problem, and did something to sort it out. KC arrived, desperate to use her ‘skills’ to ‘sort us out’, concocts a non-problem (she ignores all the existing systems of shopping lists, labelled shelving, doesn’t even know we have a food budget – never asked me or AC – the opposite of an analyst) and then produces a non-solution. Yet from her talk on Thursday night, I got the impression she had achieved something. Only it turned out they hadn’t, really. Went into a community run by nuns where 25 people came to mass, changed everything, came back in 5 years, same 25 people coming to mass. Was it here, all over again?
Saturday 15 December 2018. Day 199. Day 3.
Woke up at 4am and turned the heating on, and then dozed until 6. The nice thing about not smoking is I don’t have to wake up to make myself a cigarette.
Helped Thomas sort out the Salon for his party (secured the back door, hung up curtains, re-swept the floor, re-arranged the furniture, re-dressed the tree – clearly not something either Thomas or Andrew had ever done or had any idea how to do). Then grabbed a late bowl of pasta and retired to the caravan for an hour, leaving Kathleen beavering away in the kitchen at more cakes, buns, lemon butter. I think Thomas mulled some wine and produced some laminated signs, and had quite a long chat on the phone in the office.
I left with Jean-Claude and Jacqueline at 4:30 for the Convergence86 do in Poitiers. All the meditators assembled from everywhere (I think the Tibetan nuns from St Sauvin came the furthest). Our Zen abbot who visited us in the summer about holding a retreat here came up to say hello after and I told him we must come and visit him in his dojo. I still have his card in the Naked Now as my bookmark. All very jolly. And J-C managed our contribution very well. We were last of the 13 groups to read our little piece. J-C talked briefly about the Poitiers group, Bonnevaux and the WCCM and then we alternated French and English reading the closing prayer, which was rather appropriate for the whole thing, and could have been planned. Then we all (about 120 of us) meditated for 20 minutes and went home about 7:40. Brigitte arrived late, she’d been caught by the gilets jaunes, which J-C had cleverly guided us around in the dark through St Benoit. I chatted all day in a sort of French.
La B had had a nice afternoon with her mum, said she’d told her about me, so this must be serious, and then went to bed at 9:30. I ended up going to sleep pretty early too, after watching a couple of YouTube videos. SB took a brilliant sky scape, like a Fuseli or a Turner, on the way to Schwyz. Be a good cover for Metanoia.
Sunday 16 December 2018. Day 200. Day 4.
Woke up at 6am and turned the heating on, started making my tea and the gas ran out. Made a note that I have changed it today, not sure how long this bottle has actually lasted, keeping me warm all the time and making teas and coffees and porridge. Quite pleased with the efficient way I changed the bottle, in the dark and cold, and me still in my sarong.
Then in my selfless way I drove off at 7:20 to the boulanger to get some croissants for breakfast. Very foggy, could only see about 5 – 10 metres ahead of the car. Home to do Thomas’ washing up and meditate with AC and K.
I only have one thing to do today – make a Christmas card for Belle and post it. Everything else can wait.
TL is preparing the agenda for the environment committee meeting on the 20th – I told him to send it to me, which he said he’d do. He’s definitely itching to grab all the reins asap. He’s much too young and doctrinaire and keen.
Running out is clearly a theme for the day. Went for a long walk after lunch, which was lovely, and then got back to the caravan to find the electricity was running out. Spent a fruitless hour checking and reconnecting the batteries and inverter, and then everything packed up – the gas heater stopped, it won’t work without electric, and now the meter is just showing a single red light. I may spend the night in the house. Better warn Kathleen.
(I did; got my bedding from the caravan and slept on the day bed in the salon – all very cosy and convenient, with everything plugged in and lights blazing and the kitchen right there for cups of whatever and snacks, and La B all too conveniently at hand thanks to the wonders of the interweb. I’m afraid my slightly surreal communications late at night may not have been fair, even on her exceptional English – I blame the speculative mushroom, which tasted delicious but has had no obvious other effects; maybe a sound night’s sleep).
I was thinking this morning, on the loo, how little adverse effect my not drinking and now not smoking seems to have had on my metabolism generally. If anything, it’s improved. Wish the fosse septique would improve – it seems to have a permanent and very smelly tummy upset. Maybe TL is right, we should give it yogurt.
I was thinking this morning, on the loo, how little adverse effect my not drinking and now not smoking seems to have had on my metabolism generally. If anything, it’s improved. Wish the fosse septique would improve – it seems to have a permanent and very smelly tummy upset. Maybe TL is right, we should give it yogurt.
Wednesday December 19, 2018. Day 203. Day 7.woke up at 4am to finish M-DR’s lake memo, agenda for Env Meeting
Meditation as kindergarten / playpen
Thursday.I’m having one of AHS’s very stale cigarillos. I’ve reset the clock for the 27th, which would be Day 14
I think LF is in a bit of a tizz about being kept in the dark, as he thinks. He’s emailed AC (“when did you know?”) and La B - “we’ll talk at the weekend”. I thought I’d told SB that I’d told LF yesterday. Anyway I’ve reassured her. Actually when could I have told him face to face? And I told JG straight away (or at least, as soon as I got to Vietnam). The cigarillo isn’t bad, considering AHS gave it to me when he got back from their honeymoon! Along with the Vietnamese coffee kit. In September 2016.
Still no electricity worth bothering with, and it’s raining and J-CC says it will continue to do so for another 3 days. I think there’s only enough juice to make the little green lights glow on the controller (now inside the caravan where I can keep an eye on it) and the regulator. I need to sort out the wiring, it could be leaking leccy everywhere – I disconnected a lot of wires when I dismantled the bathroom.
Exhausted last night. Went to sleep very early, and woke at 6am, feeling not very refreshed. HH arrives this afternoon. LF on Saturday, after the solstice and full moon, which I think is a once in 19 year event. All this running out, running down, rain, no sun, LF’s arrival, SB getting the OK and now maybe not. If it comes to it, I’ll leave here if it means she can come in February as LF had said she would yesterday, for a year.
Terribly insightful and important thoughts in meditation this morning, none of which I can now remember. Must write about the kindergarten and playpen. Be nice to talk to JG. I mentioned starting my novitiate on Christmas Eve to LF, he was very unenthusiastic, asked if I’d spoken to JG, told him I hadn’t because of his mum dying. LF said there’s no rush, which I’m sure is not what he said last time we spoke. I wonder what is causing him second thoughts? This was before I told him about SB – the bare bones, didn’t want to discuss on the ‘phone.
Changed my sheets. Did my laundry – washed my breeks in the machine, seem fine, and nice and green. It’s good to use them all the time – warm, comfortable, practical, a bit flash. GF v impressed, also with my Basel hat. Good to see him and Kailas and Frederique G and M-DR.
KC did a very good session last night on compassionate listening. I got quite tearful about the gilets jaunes (talking to TL, who was compassionately listening. AC was ‘observing detachedly’. And spent a long time staring into KC’s eyes.) I had a good go at her last night over supper (delicious, Toulouse saucissons, fried leek tops, celery and onion with garlic an dcilli, celeriac potato and carrot mash, steamed swwiss chard and cabbage – lots of ‘old’ veggies cooked successfully. Everyone thought the green leek leaves were very nice – chewy but not stringy – even DC the Welsh Witch was sort of convinced.)
Meditation as kindergarten / playpen
Thursday.I’m having one of AHS’s very stale cigarillos. I’ve reset the clock for the 27th, which would be Day 14
I think LF is in a bit of a tizz about being kept in the dark, as he thinks. He’s emailed AC (“when did you know?”) and La B - “we’ll talk at the weekend”. I thought I’d told SB that I’d told LF yesterday. Anyway I’ve reassured her. Actually when could I have told him face to face? And I told JG straight away (or at least, as soon as I got to Vietnam). The cigarillo isn’t bad, considering AHS gave it to me when he got back from their honeymoon! Along with the Vietnamese coffee kit. In September 2016.
Still no electricity worth bothering with, and it’s raining and J-CC says it will continue to do so for another 3 days. I think there’s only enough juice to make the little green lights glow on the controller (now inside the caravan where I can keep an eye on it) and the regulator. I need to sort out the wiring, it could be leaking leccy everywhere – I disconnected a lot of wires when I dismantled the bathroom.
Exhausted last night. Went to sleep very early, and woke at 6am, feeling not very refreshed. HH arrives this afternoon. LF on Saturday, after the solstice and full moon, which I think is a once in 19 year event. All this running out, running down, rain, no sun, LF’s arrival, SB getting the OK and now maybe not. If it comes to it, I’ll leave here if it means she can come in February as LF had said she would yesterday, for a year.
Terribly insightful and important thoughts in meditation this morning, none of which I can now remember. Must write about the kindergarten and playpen. Be nice to talk to JG. I mentioned starting my novitiate on Christmas Eve to LF, he was very unenthusiastic, asked if I’d spoken to JG, told him I hadn’t because of his mum dying. LF said there’s no rush, which I’m sure is not what he said last time we spoke. I wonder what is causing him second thoughts? This was before I told him about SB – the bare bones, didn’t want to discuss on the ‘phone.
Changed my sheets. Did my laundry – washed my breeks in the machine, seem fine, and nice and green. It’s good to use them all the time – warm, comfortable, practical, a bit flash. GF v impressed, also with my Basel hat. Good to see him and Kailas and Frederique G and M-DR.
KC did a very good session last night on compassionate listening. I got quite tearful about the gilets jaunes (talking to TL, who was compassionately listening. AC was ‘observing detachedly’. And spent a long time staring into KC’s eyes.) I had a good go at her last night over supper (delicious, Toulouse saucissons, fried leek tops, celery and onion with garlic an dcilli, celeriac potato and carrot mash, steamed swwiss chard and cabbage – lots of ‘old’ veggies cooked successfully. Everyone thought the green leek leaves were very nice – chewy but not stringy – even DC the Welsh Witch was sort of convinced.)
Anyway, KC started to deliver a lecture on us talking about Le Cigalon and the fact that le patron and his barmaid are gay. So I gave her both barrels (not unpleasantly) – that when we say someone is gay, or black, it’s because it’s significant and descriptive, not pejorative. How Amerikah (the novel) laughs about all these east coast American liberals unable even to refer to the fact that someone is black, has black skin, has frizzy hair etc etc,. If I mention that someone is black, e.g. describing them for say meeting at the airport, it’s just useful, and true, not an insult. Ditto le patron is gay, and in my experience gay restaurateurs are better, they cook well, they create nice ambiances, they undersdtand and provide good service. And TL piled in on the same theme. AC was of course very quiet (because even tho’ he agrees, and started out talking about ‘the only gay bistro in Vivonne’, which kicked KC off on her entirely predictable and, as Jordan Petersen would point out, ideologically driven rant, AC is also an NHS manager, and a bit of a coward).
At the end of all of which KC went very quiet, said something slightly silly / sick-making about ‘being grateful for our views’ - not very congruent, but I do think she started to think. There were days when she reacted that way to everything that came out of my mouth: talk about judgmental!, and reduced me to furious silence – because she was definitely bullying and disenfranchising and dis-empowering me, or trying to, using her knowledge of the ‘code’ to try and beat me in to submission. Which is at least in part why our session on compassionate listening went so much better than it might have done. She probably feels / felt she was being ‘bullied’ and ‘patronised’ and ‘patriarched’ because she’s a woman, and 3 men were (well 2 men and 1 wuss) were disagreeing with her.
I must get the wood chopping / kindling supply sorted out. Forgotten how it used to be with Stuart at Lagos Raki – the constant search for and chopping up of fuel. It’s rather nice, if very impractical, filling the caravan with candles. And dangerous. At least I can read. And it all restricts my pissing about on the interweb at bedtime. Even wassapping SB. I think she feels the same – emojis are just empty, really. It’s a sort of addiction.
Time for porridge – 10:05am.
Effects of not smoking on consciousness, time (there’s so much of it), attention. Need to be busy, all the time – no way to turn off, even meditation is a bit speedy.
I must get the wood chopping / kindling supply sorted out. Forgotten how it used to be with Stuart at Lagos Raki – the constant search for and chopping up of fuel. It’s rather nice, if very impractical, filling the caravan with candles. And dangerous. At least I can read. And it all restricts my pissing about on the interweb at bedtime. Even wassapping SB. I think she feels the same – emojis are just empty, really. It’s a sort of addiction.
Time for porridge – 10:05am.
Effects of not smoking on consciousness, time (there’s so much of it), attention. Need to be busy, all the time – no way to turn off, even meditation is a bit speedy.
A letter to LF
BV. Thursday 20th December, 2018
Dear L
Would you prefer that I addressed you as Father L? Or as a friend? A spiritual adviser? My boss? I think of you as all those things, at different times, but it can make these sorts of personal issues more complicated.
I didn’t tell you about SB and I because you and I haven’t had a chance for a proper face to face talk since it started. I told JG about SB and I straightaway, and anyone else, when the subject arose, and we were physically together. The same is true for SB. As someone said this morning, in a sense it’s no one else’s business, and I didn’t feel comfortable telling people without knowing that SB was happy for me to do so. So I’ve told SV, over a private dinner some weeks ago, AC and DC when they got back from the UK, SB told HH when she was here, I told GF when I met him off the train on Monday. But I also didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want to confuse the issue of SB joining the community and talking and writing to you about that, with what seemed to me, then, to be an entirely separate (although important) matter. You having decided to offer her a place, and me realising that you were really the only one I had still not told, precipitated yesterday’s phone call. I would much rather have told you when we next met, face to face, but everything has concertinaed suddenly, as it often does where BV is involved.
For the record, and if it comes to a choice, I will withdraw from the community, if that means SB can join (provisionally, for a year). I feel her joining the community is far more important for her, and indeed for BV, than whatever impact my leaving here might have on our relationship, or me personally.
SB is very important to me. As a person, as a friend, as a lover. I am very happy that she has come in to my life. We became friends when she stayed here in April and May, and then we corresponded by email after she left, about values, the spiritual life, psychology (Jung, Heidegger and Lacan), art, love, relationships, our personal histories. I went to stay with her in Basel as a friend, at the beginning of October, on my way to see my son in Hanoi. I’m not sure which of us was the more surprised, and delighted, that we fell in love. Or rather, that we found out that we had already fallen in love without realising or articulating it, until we met face to face outside the Basel Hauptbahnhof, which was the first time we had seen each other, or even spoken to each other, since she left Bonnevaux for the second time sometime in July.
SB is very important to me. As a person, as a friend, as a lover. I am very happy that she has come in to my life. We became friends when she stayed here in April and May, and then we corresponded by email after she left, about values, the spiritual life, psychology (Jung, Heidegger and Lacan), art, love, relationships, our personal histories. I went to stay with her in Basel as a friend, at the beginning of October, on my way to see my son in Hanoi. I’m not sure which of us was the more surprised, and delighted, that we fell in love. Or rather, that we found out that we had already fallen in love without realising or articulating it, until we met face to face outside the Basel Hauptbahnhof, which was the first time we had seen each other, or even spoken to each other, since she left Bonnevaux for the second time sometime in July.
Please do not feel you have been deliberately misled, or deceived. It was certainly not my intention, or SB’s. I won’t speak for her, she’s well able to do that for herself, but she did say to me that she wanted to tell you when she spoke with you on Skype, but that there never somehow seemed an appropriate moment in the conversation. My call to you yesterday was not particularly skilful or appropriate either, but I felt that you had to know now, however clumsily I transmitted the news.
with love, David
Comments
Post a Comment
Say anything you like. I do.