Addiction and smoking and love – I noticed a few days back how
similar my response was to any sort of unhappiness, an immediate
reaching out for La B, like a child crying for its mother, wanting to
call or text her, or for her to be here, as if all problems would be
solved simply by her presence, which is perhaps one definition of the
state of being in love, but how closely this corresponded to my
responses when drinking, and when not drinking, to smoking, or
drinking another coffee. A sort of pre-programmed reaction, a
response loop, virtually automatic. Whatever the locus of the phallus
is at the moment, that’s where the mind rushes to whenever some
negativity hoves into view. And this response is so automatic, so
simple, so immediate, it must reach right back into childhood or
early infancy. From that point of view, drink is not such a bad
solution – it doesn’t on the whole let you down, just, sooner or
later, starts to have dire consequences, physically and in all sorts
of other ways. Smoking and drinking coffee less so (both less
effective, and less damaging). Other people do shopping, or cleaning
and tidying. But the core problem, the essential tic, is that
immediate response to any kind of unhappiness that doesn’t have an
immediate, obvious and easily fixable cause, like pain or hunger or
cold. Although even at that level I think I often react to hunger, or
tiredness, not by eating or going to bed, but by resorting to the
cure all. It’s interesting, becoming aware of the actual mechanism,
while it’s happening – meditation and sobriety help there – and
understanding that is where the problem lies, with the response. As
Richard Rohr says, who said life is easy. Instead of always trying to
push the pain away, with whatever the current phallus substitute is,
just suck it up, let it pass. Or do something effective about it.
Grumps
about children, in laws, exes. I wonder what PC will be like? (she
was fine, she said she was a bit sad when I told her about La B). A
necessary phase, scales dropping – seeing them as they are, but I
need to learn to love them where they are, not where I want them to
be. And the delight of the grand children. SM’s mind remains a
steel trap, still stuck in Flatland. Although I thought I detected a
note of panic in his reaction to my talking about Sheldrake’s talk“Is the Sun conscious?” . He
immediately started gabbling about mind and consciousness simply
being an emergent property of matter and free will being an illusion,
but when I asked him if he really felt like that about himself, he
sort of smiled.
Thinking
of having an electronic free Barcelona. Bring the phone but only turn
it on for 5 minutes a day. No alarms, blogs, ebooks, writing (except
by hand), news, nada. La B agrees. Might be a little like PC and I in
Beaumaris, with our silence until midday (that was before the
internet and smartphones were invented – at least 10 years ago).
I
managed to go to sleep at 10:30, by dint of stopping wassapping La B
and not consuming any caffeine after lunch. Finally found a good use
for Deirdre’s (she knows who she is) present of Yannoh, which is a
very good coffee replacement but has absolutely no caffeine in it at
all. So I woke up at 5:30 am feeling pleasantly refreshed, with lots
of time to continue wassapping La B, also awake, writing this,
drinking tea and then eventually driving off to the boulanger in
Coulombiers to get the buglets (KC & TL) some croissants for
breakfast. Last time I tried I had to settle for day old croissants
(not bad after being warmed up in the oven) cos it was 9 am and
Madame la Boulangerie had sold all her croissants. I was the second
man in today, at 7:35.
Ticked
KC off for turning off the heater in the office / meditation
room—she’s a menace and a busybody. She prayed that the gilets
jaunes and Macron would “dialogue compassionately” which seems
unlikely and not what either side really wants. The Army is on the
streets this weekend according to J-CC, so things might get messy.
They were manning the barricades (the roundabout beside The Devil’s
Cauldron a.k.a. Auchan shopping city) yesterday when I went in to
(fail to) collect Marina—thanks KC—so I came back via St Benoit
and the back road to Ruffigny. KC and I had scraps for dinner (TL
shot off somewhere, so we meditated a deux) - KC turned her nose up
at the beetroot tops, which were in fact delicious, just fried in a
bit of butter, and TL agreed they were delicious – he ate them when
he got back. I began banging on about people harvesting ridiculous
amounts of veg and why couldn’t they just take what they needed for
that meal, at which point KC started smirking at me (she knows me so
well) and told me they were not Swiss chard as I thought, but the
beetroot tops that she’d removed when she harvested the beetroot.
Which are where? She said they were very nice.
As
for “personal aloud prayer” at meditation, or any other time, I
rather agree with Richard Rohr. God doesn’t need to be told, so
it’s just a way of demonstrating your right on creds, general
holiness and piety, and banging on at inordinate length. People say
grace the same way—they don’t seem to be able to just say “thank
you God” (or universe) and tuck in. Bah. Humbug.
on
meditation, after talking to HT
I
tried rather clumsily to tell HT when I was staying with her what I
thought meditation was good for. She’s had a go, but doesn’t do
it regularly. So here goes, again.
The
practical technique is almost irrelevant (despite the WCCM
propaganda) – follow the breath, repeat a mantra, simply pay
attention e.g. to the soundscape, your internal noises and the sounds
around you. Don’t use guided meditations, or even imagery or music,
especially if what you end up doing is thinking about what the guide
is saying, or just listening to nice peaceful music or looking at a
mental picture. These just end up being distractions, or a different
kind of mental activity. You may of course find them relaxing, but
you are not meditating, which is to say, seeking and experiencing the
true self, your face before you were born.
You
cannot stop mental activity. The point of meditation / mindfulness /
contemplation / the prayer of quiet / centring prayer is first of all
to have the intention to step outside or away from normal everyday
ego / thinking / consciousness. Just the intention is enough. “This
is what I want to do”. And actually, just a minute, with that
intention, is a good start. Or good enough if you really cannot give
it more time. It is more important to have a daily practice, at a set
time, however short.
Apart
from the intention, and making the effort, to take one’s attention
off the mind and its activities, nothing else is necessary. In fact,
one of the tricks of the ego is precisely to turn meditation into a
job, with targets, objectives, measurements, progress and all that
crap. If you find yourself doing this, stop meditating – because
you’re not meditating, your ego has just taken back control. Better
to go for a walk in the country, or do something that you find
absorbing – paint a picture, for example.
What
happens at first (nothing happens basically) is just your intention.
If you have a good technique, say following the in and out of your
breath, you will gradually (or maybe, if you’re lucky, quickly)
become aware of your mental activity and ego as a separate thing –
that there is you, the observer, the one with the intention, and
there is this thing, the monkey brain, that never shuts up, is always
coming up with ideas, things to do, reasons to stop doing “nothing”,
and that very quickly and easily, you get lost inside these thoughts,
daydreams, plans, and forget all about your technique. And then
something breaks in, maybe the alarm to indicate the end of your
meditation period, and you come to and realise that for this time you
have no longer been you, your self, but this train of thought or
whatever.
The
same thing happens with feelings – sadness, joy, anger, bitterness,
guilt, resentment – at first they just suck you in. You start to
think “why am I sad?” and wander off looking for the reason –
it may be obvious, or you may have no idea, but you will try to
explain it away or understand it – the ego’s way of trying to get
away from the unpleasant feeling. Or you may start imagining how the
person you are angry with can be dealt with, repeating or re-framing
the argument so you “win”, or thinking of ways to get back at the
person. Happiness or joy may arrive, often, apparently associated
with some happy memory or experience, and you will start to relive
it, or think how you can experience it again.
And
then there are the to do lists, the brilliant ideas that you simply
must explore, stop meditating and write down before you forget them,
stop meditating so you can go and do that terribly important thing.
Sometimes (very rarely, if you have prepared at all for your
meditation) you really do have to stop, to turn off the cooker, or
lock the front door, or make the phone silent. Mostly though,
whatever the mind comes up with is not life threatening, critical, or
even in the last analysis, very important or interesting. If you
don’t stop, don’t do it, don’t write down that stroke of
genius, that perfect line or phrase, the world will not mind or
notice, and your life won’t change. But you will stop meditating,
which is basically what the spoilt child ego wants – stop ignoring
me, pay attention to me, do what I want, what I think you ought to
do.
The
point of meditation, of having that intention to take your attention
away from the mind and ego, for just a half hour, twice a day, is
just that – not to shut the mind or body or emotions up – you
simply can’t, and never will – but to stop being sucked in to it,
to stand outside of it, to give yourself a break, and simply watch
the ego doing its stuff.
Sooner
or later, it won’t be just your intention to do this, you will,
even if only for a few seconds or minutes in the half hour, actually
experience what it is like to be free, to be at rest, to observe the
ego with compassion, even love, but not to play its game, or to play
the game by its rules.
When
now anyone asks me about meditation, I tend to recommend that they
try mindfulness practice first. The main reason being, mindfulness
comes with relatively little baggage. It’s a bit like exercise, or
yoga – you just do it. There’s no theology, no philosophy, no
theory – just pay attention to what’s going on. Don’t push it
away – uncomfortable feelings for example – or worry about it,
try to explain to yourself why you feel this or that. Don’t make a
big deal about it – it’s not an assault course, it’s supposed
to be restful and relaxing. Treat it like chocolate – it’s a
treat, a present to yourself. Just sit there, and see what comes up.
Don’t push away what comes up (a.k.a. “reality”), don’t
repress it, don’t cling on to it – just be aware of it. At this
stage, guided mindfulness practice can be very helpful – talking
you through and in to the state of loving and caring for yourself
(you are allowed to be kind to yourself), not beating yourself up for
all your many failings and weaknesses, equally not bigging up your
victories and triumphs. Simple things like really listening to all
the sounds you can hear. Just sitting.
While
meditating . . .
don’t
cling
don’t
repress, reject, explain away, change the subject
don’t
react
just
try to be aware
initially
of course you will just notice how you do all these things, all the
time.
Do
not judge, first of all yourself: your responses, feelings, thoughts,
and then do not judge others. All those things are of course “others”
themselves, they are not you. And judging includes measuring,
comparing, analysing, explaining, yourself and others.
Leave
everything behind. Leave “thinking” behind, especially.
R
Rohr’s five things (from “Adam’s Return : the 5 promises of
male initiation”)
- life is hard
- you are not that important
- your life is not about you
- you are not in control
- you are going to die
As
I wrote when I read this, I wish I had learnt these basic facts of
life when I was a teenager. In fact, most of them I have only just
begun to accept. Which is why Rohr thinks initiation and rites of
passages are so important, we waste so much of your lives not facing
up to these simple things. There are 5 positives or counters to these
as well. For another time.
Comments
Post a Comment
Say anything you like. I do.