Saturday 22 December

deleting all my pictures and recordings from my winky. arggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. hoooooooooooraaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy.

it's just stuff, just like books, furniture, pictures, clothes . . . . and such a burden

(but I have transferred them all to Google Drive, I think)

and I've released two of the kittens / cats (or trapped them) in my caravan with all the cupboard doors open. I don't care if they piss and crap all over it, as long as they get rid of those damned mice - went too far - destroying bedding, towels, sleeping bag, boots, and now they've started to play go, but they only seem to like the black stones.

and the caravan's turning into a sponge with all this rain - damp patches appearing everywhere. and no sun, so no electricity.

off to meet LF off the train and "have a chat". Hopefully not while I'm driving - I'm finding driving while talking other than anodyne comments about the weather a bit tricky. I did the Alzheimer test the other day and passed with flying colours (i.e. I'm pretty good for my age) so I don't think it's that. I just get much more interested in the conversation (e.g. roaring at Wolfgang about Brexit, good naturedly, and crashing red lights) - I was becoming quite racist - as in, we were the only country in Europe to stick it to the Germans in 1940, and now you're turning on us, because the Germans are telling you to - same old same old - it might as well be 1914, or 1938. And I don't think that's racist - it's the truth.

the usefulness of the paranoid sub personality

I don't know at what age we develop this, or if we all have it. I suspect we do in embryonic form. In full fledged paranoid psychotics it takes over the whole person, becomes their preferred if not only modus operandi. Mine is definitely there and healthy and active, but only once or twice has it really terrified me (the encounter group in Muswell Hell back in the 70's, for one).

I think it's an evolutionarily useful sub-personality. As in, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you" and I see it kicking in in lots of situations here. It's a function of new situations and new people (or familiar situations going horribly wrong - maybe where SFS's and PC's strange behaviour at the end came from) - a very primitive defence system in a hostile environment (they are literally all out to get me, and I can trust no one). So it manifested in me, in the reptile episode - which is not to say AC and LF aren't reptiles, we all are at times, but I did need to recognise the reptile element in them - that they are are not simply as they would like to appear, there are psychopathic / sociopathic aspects to their personae. And now here with the potential loss of B's - not paranoia (as in unhelpful mental responses / activity) but a healthy awareness of the "otherness" of others - handle carefully, they might explode. (LF, KC, AC, even SB - or perhaps especially SB).

I have a paranoid relationship with my smartphone.

The Bs - Bonnevaux, La B, booze, Belle . . .