My new year's resolution (it's a bit late, a sort of new year of sobriety, almost a new year at Bonnevaux) : on instructions from HT, and others (FSM, SB - which pretty much accounts for the readership) - to write this every day.
First problem - every day I must
etc etc
in addition I want to give up fags, stop drinking tea / coffee after lunchtime (in the hope I might actually go to sleep before 1 am, my current average) finish / publish Metanoia, write Just Another Day etc etc
And I see where all this leads (or used to lead). I get overwhelmed by all the stuff I've decided I ought / must do, and in the bad old days, do nothing, and blot it all out with alcohol. Sober, I've just been getting stressed and paranoid, but still not done very much, or been very effective. As Belle keeps saying, don't let the overwhelm get to me. So that means, first, get enough sleep, and second, do something, but don't beat myself up for not doing everything. I have been getting better (since LF gave me more to do!) at just doing something, not simply letting the day go worrying / prevaricating about which is more important. Actually I'm beginning to think to do lists are just the ego's way of trying to control things - I always have something to do, and doing any of those things will be useful and make me feel good or better about myself. Playing Freecell all day is not an option. Letting the spirit of the moment guide me - what do I want to do, right now - seems the best option.
So, what have I done? I got back in good time, Ryanair, having made us stand on the runway for 10 minutes in wind and rain, waiting for the cabin crew to turn up and open the doors, left early and arrived early. Poitiers customs seem to have vastly improved their processing speed (perhaps out of gratitude for not being on permanent standby like the police and pompiers to marshal the gilets jaunes) and I was out and in the Picasso with KC before 5 pm and home in time to unpack and meditate. The caravan was fine, and I've tried a new arrangement for my bedding. Had a nice supper with TL and KC (the only problem with this anonymity lark is you have no idea what sex all these initials are, but I think I need to be more careful about identifying people - there will be a dramatis personae somewhere which if you ask, I will let you have). Did the washing up - we have no hot water, the immersion heater has packed up and J-CC doesn't know why, and says we must call in the experts - I'm going to have a fiddle today and see if I can re-start it, and went back to the caravan about 9pm, leaving KC in the house. She's sleeping in the EdSpace while AC and DC are away - they're back on Tuesday - says she's nervous in the house. As SB says, it's old, it's a farmhouse, it's alive and makes strange noises in the night. And she got a fright when SB sent a text meant for me to the Bonnevaux mobile, fortunately not too outrageous, but KC's first thought was there was a predatory rapist watching her, offering to warm up her bed. Then she thought it's a bit strange the text is in English and then the penny dropped (I'd told her about SB and me before I left) and she forwarded the text to me, which thoroughly confused me - I replied to it without really thinking, so sent a fortunately equally anodyne reply back to the Bonnevaux mobile, which didn't get sent, but there is no way you can un-send it, the fucking phone just keeps saying 'tap to try again'. At least I now have the Bonnevaux phone back in my hands, KC handed it over this morning like a hot potato.
Funny how silly I am about SB (and I'm also wrung out from lack of sleep and all the emotional turmoil of the last week - I finished by writing a very OTT thank you to PC on a scrap of kitchen note paper in her kitchen, no idea what she will make of it, she was sitting on my bed at 1 in the morning saying how sad she was about me and SB, how lonely she is, I wanted to give her a cuddle, but didn't, so wrote the letter instead). Anyway, texting SB last night after a long and extremely expensive phone call to her Swiss number from my (now, at last and again) working Bouygtel number - refused to let me make calls while I was in England, or receive them - AC said they do that for the first month while they're not sure you'll actually pay your bill. Sent her a text pitying her poverty stricken state, and then worried I'd offended her, then got a reply, then sent her another, and got no reply, in all likelihood because she had quite sensibly decided this would go on all night and she needed to go to sleep even if I was wired, so I then got very depressed and decided she didn't love me any more. Added to which I watched The Light Between the Oceans, or the second half of it, and was howling like a baby at one in the morning. I then slept like the dead until 6:52, leapt out of bed, made a quick cup of tea and joined TL for meditation in the office at 20 past 7.
I think this is enough for now. All good (SB has sent me a text, so what can be wrong). Time to do some work.
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Tea time (but no tea! or coffee!)
Started a proper letter to HT, then had to break off for meditation / the 1pm meeting / collect Marina Losada from Poitiers. Well, the meditation was great - totalement en Francais parce que Jean Claude, Jacqueline, BV, TL in attendance, so I and KC muddled through as best we could. It is St Ambrose's day (Saint Augustine's teacher, Bishop of Milan) so we had a special gospel, only we didn't because J-CM got in a muddle and read something from Matthew about two blind people being cured. I got a bit confused because I thought aveugles were widows, but they're not, they're blind. They might have been widows as well. The 1pm meeting was a bust - I was the only one there, then GF said he was silent in solitude, ditto HH, ditto M-DR, and LF complained quietly that someone should have organised something. I agreed. Then I went off to Poitiers to pick up our new visitor from South America via Finland and Nice, only she never showed up, the bus was 40 minutes late - although reported as usual to be a l'heure - it never is - and I finally gave up and drove home via Super-U (deodorant and magnesium) and St Benoit / Ruffigny - the gilets jaunes were starting to seriously hold things up as I came in to town.
Got back to BV about 4 o'clock, said goodbye to J-CM and J and BV, turned down tea from KC and went up to the office to see an email from ML, our no-show, saying she was arriving tomorrow. Checked her emails to KC, and yes, she clearly said she would get to Nice today, and Poitiers tomorrow. She apologised for her phone number (Finnish) not working and we got first Wassapp and then her new French number to work, so now all OK. But I am very pissed off with KC. She spends all her time telling us how we should be doing this that and the other, permanently shuts me down because I am failing to be sufficiently PC and SJWish in my speech, but cannot do the simplest things (like update the calendar correctly and accurately, or cook something properly. A classic case of log in own eye and total unmindfulness. I basically wasted 3 hours this afternoon because of her carelessness. And she can't even put the jam back on the right shelf, or bring in the clothes pegs when she brings in the washing (she said it was Thomas, but I'm fairly sure she was fibbing). She's now leaving before Christmas, and not coming back, but before she goes she wants to tell us how to communicate compassionately. It is really very funny. I am fond of her, and when she stops telling me what to do and say, she's kind and rather sweet. It's a pity in a way she's leaving early, I think she has a lot to learn about herself, buty I suspect she'd rather not.
More thoroughly confusing emails and texts with La B - my fault, I bcc'ed her in on a mail to Belle, and as La B said, there's just too many B's around. So SB replied to my mail, but I thought it was from Belle, fortunately spotted that it wasn't before I sent it, else Belle would have got swept up in it all as well. There is as usual a BV theme here, about mis-communicatoion and email confusion, and just too many ways to talk to people. I did think of suggesting to SB we abandon all the fucking phones and computers when we go to Barcelona. I think I'll do it anyway. Just take lots of paper, and my fountain pen.
time for med
First problem - every day I must
- get up and have a cup of tea / fag / magnesium / cod liver oil / brush teeth / loo
- meditate (ideally at 7:15)
- banana, coffee
- meet J-CC at 8:30
- house share / meeting at 9am
- yoga / some form of exercise
- work
- meditate at 12:15
etc etc
in addition I want to give up fags, stop drinking tea / coffee after lunchtime (in the hope I might actually go to sleep before 1 am, my current average) finish / publish Metanoia, write Just Another Day etc etc
And I see where all this leads (or used to lead). I get overwhelmed by all the stuff I've decided I ought / must do, and in the bad old days, do nothing, and blot it all out with alcohol. Sober, I've just been getting stressed and paranoid, but still not done very much, or been very effective. As Belle keeps saying, don't let the overwhelm get to me. So that means, first, get enough sleep, and second, do something, but don't beat myself up for not doing everything. I have been getting better (since LF gave me more to do!) at just doing something, not simply letting the day go worrying / prevaricating about which is more important. Actually I'm beginning to think to do lists are just the ego's way of trying to control things - I always have something to do, and doing any of those things will be useful and make me feel good or better about myself. Playing Freecell all day is not an option. Letting the spirit of the moment guide me - what do I want to do, right now - seems the best option.
So, what have I done? I got back in good time, Ryanair, having made us stand on the runway for 10 minutes in wind and rain, waiting for the cabin crew to turn up and open the doors, left early and arrived early. Poitiers customs seem to have vastly improved their processing speed (perhaps out of gratitude for not being on permanent standby like the police and pompiers to marshal the gilets jaunes) and I was out and in the Picasso with KC before 5 pm and home in time to unpack and meditate. The caravan was fine, and I've tried a new arrangement for my bedding. Had a nice supper with TL and KC (the only problem with this anonymity lark is you have no idea what sex all these initials are, but I think I need to be more careful about identifying people - there will be a dramatis personae somewhere which if you ask, I will let you have). Did the washing up - we have no hot water, the immersion heater has packed up and J-CC doesn't know why, and says we must call in the experts - I'm going to have a fiddle today and see if I can re-start it, and went back to the caravan about 9pm, leaving KC in the house. She's sleeping in the EdSpace while AC and DC are away - they're back on Tuesday - says she's nervous in the house. As SB says, it's old, it's a farmhouse, it's alive and makes strange noises in the night. And she got a fright when SB sent a text meant for me to the Bonnevaux mobile, fortunately not too outrageous, but KC's first thought was there was a predatory rapist watching her, offering to warm up her bed. Then she thought it's a bit strange the text is in English and then the penny dropped (I'd told her about SB and me before I left) and she forwarded the text to me, which thoroughly confused me - I replied to it without really thinking, so sent a fortunately equally anodyne reply back to the Bonnevaux mobile, which didn't get sent, but there is no way you can un-send it, the fucking phone just keeps saying 'tap to try again'. At least I now have the Bonnevaux phone back in my hands, KC handed it over this morning like a hot potato.
Funny how silly I am about SB (and I'm also wrung out from lack of sleep and all the emotional turmoil of the last week - I finished by writing a very OTT thank you to PC on a scrap of kitchen note paper in her kitchen, no idea what she will make of it, she was sitting on my bed at 1 in the morning saying how sad she was about me and SB, how lonely she is, I wanted to give her a cuddle, but didn't, so wrote the letter instead). Anyway, texting SB last night after a long and extremely expensive phone call to her Swiss number from my (now, at last and again) working Bouygtel number - refused to let me make calls while I was in England, or receive them - AC said they do that for the first month while they're not sure you'll actually pay your bill. Sent her a text pitying her poverty stricken state, and then worried I'd offended her, then got a reply, then sent her another, and got no reply, in all likelihood because she had quite sensibly decided this would go on all night and she needed to go to sleep even if I was wired, so I then got very depressed and decided she didn't love me any more. Added to which I watched The Light Between the Oceans, or the second half of it, and was howling like a baby at one in the morning. I then slept like the dead until 6:52, leapt out of bed, made a quick cup of tea and joined TL for meditation in the office at 20 past 7.
I think this is enough for now. All good (SB has sent me a text, so what can be wrong). Time to do some work.
-----------
Tea time (but no tea! or coffee!)
Started a proper letter to HT, then had to break off for meditation / the 1pm meeting / collect Marina Losada from Poitiers. Well, the meditation was great - totalement en Francais parce que Jean Claude, Jacqueline, BV, TL in attendance, so I and KC muddled through as best we could. It is St Ambrose's day (Saint Augustine's teacher, Bishop of Milan) so we had a special gospel, only we didn't because J-CM got in a muddle and read something from Matthew about two blind people being cured. I got a bit confused because I thought aveugles were widows, but they're not, they're blind. They might have been widows as well. The 1pm meeting was a bust - I was the only one there, then GF said he was silent in solitude, ditto HH, ditto M-DR, and LF complained quietly that someone should have organised something. I agreed. Then I went off to Poitiers to pick up our new visitor from South America via Finland and Nice, only she never showed up, the bus was 40 minutes late - although reported as usual to be a l'heure - it never is - and I finally gave up and drove home via Super-U (deodorant and magnesium) and St Benoit / Ruffigny - the gilets jaunes were starting to seriously hold things up as I came in to town.
Got back to BV about 4 o'clock, said goodbye to J-CM and J and BV, turned down tea from KC and went up to the office to see an email from ML, our no-show, saying she was arriving tomorrow. Checked her emails to KC, and yes, she clearly said she would get to Nice today, and Poitiers tomorrow. She apologised for her phone number (Finnish) not working and we got first Wassapp and then her new French number to work, so now all OK. But I am very pissed off with KC. She spends all her time telling us how we should be doing this that and the other, permanently shuts me down because I am failing to be sufficiently PC and SJWish in my speech, but cannot do the simplest things (like update the calendar correctly and accurately, or cook something properly. A classic case of log in own eye and total unmindfulness. I basically wasted 3 hours this afternoon because of her carelessness. And she can't even put the jam back on the right shelf, or bring in the clothes pegs when she brings in the washing (she said it was Thomas, but I'm fairly sure she was fibbing). She's now leaving before Christmas, and not coming back, but before she goes she wants to tell us how to communicate compassionately. It is really very funny. I am fond of her, and when she stops telling me what to do and say, she's kind and rather sweet. It's a pity in a way she's leaving early, I think she has a lot to learn about herself, buty I suspect she'd rather not.
More thoroughly confusing emails and texts with La B - my fault, I bcc'ed her in on a mail to Belle, and as La B said, there's just too many B's around. So SB replied to my mail, but I thought it was from Belle, fortunately spotted that it wasn't before I sent it, else Belle would have got swept up in it all as well. There is as usual a BV theme here, about mis-communicatoion and email confusion, and just too many ways to talk to people. I did think of suggesting to SB we abandon all the fucking phones and computers when we go to Barcelona. I think I'll do it anyway. Just take lots of paper, and my fountain pen.
time for med
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