Friday 21 September to Sunday 23rd Day 116

Friday 21 September 7:32

[00:25]grey day. aborted start.

[00:50]restart. the repeating pattern of sin / remorse. my `confession`

[01:17]my sinful day. The joys of Jimmy`s

[01:58]blecch

[02:49]the Amazon farce

[05:32]the girl in the shower. Fear, not virtue.

[06:19]filthy supper. Rebecca being lazy

[07:08]bell for meditation. accumulating guilt, separation -> depression. remorse. forgiveness.

[08:09]cults. Bhagwan Rajneesh - `Wild wild country`

[08:37]good share. yin vs yang. bleuchh. twice. 

[09:41]finding the flicker and grabbing it - start moving

[10:05]Lacanian blecchs. Action this day.

[11:16]The Prodigal Son. run back to Daddy? the need to descend, in order to return. Confession.

[12:27]The Elder Brother - my shadow?

[13:44]Marieke showing me how to edit text - grab the little blue balloon

[14:31]the new Wiko Lenny. consistent fucking about

[14:56]Sunday. 10:38 am. home alone. Good stuff done yesterday. The car. Andrew & Delyth`s window.

[16:05]kissing protocols. Isabel saying goodbye.

[16:38]forgetting Sukie`s birthday

The guilt / Prodigal Son cycle. The `dark` side must find expression. The confusion with the guilt / remorse / confession reward cycle. Then the controlling smugly `virtuous` side. seeing innocence and purity in esp / always women - Sukie, Pol, Marieke - emblems of the madonna. problems with sex and desire, guilt (again!)

Getting better at distinguishing between the projection and the reality. I can see the desire / the attraction (of my projection) - harder to remember that that is another real person. Susanne is not like any of that.

The guilt / remorse / virtue cycle. The Prodigal Son. from dark to light and back again. the reward of confession / absolution. yin and yang. passivity and activity. all pairs. where`s the trinity?

Yang (positive ~ masculine) v strong in Susanne. And Pol. Isabel. Henriette. Yin - Emily, Marieke. Rebecca torn between the two. Me too (I retreat /hide in yin. Yin ~ depression, anima possession Yang ~ action, violence, anger, achievement - all the things I am afraid of, recoil from. Ma and Da - confused messages - her Yang, him Yin.

My `sins` of the last few days / weeks. lust. idleness. not reading the Rule. watching films. Being rude and aggressive.

This constant dialog here between the place, the people, the silence, my inner turmoils - lessons, all day, every day. such intensity. it is very exciting, but very tiring too. hence all the sleepiness.

Richard Rohr `From Wild Man to Wise Man` - excellent, and I`m only on page 11. He is delightfully male.