Friday August 3 2018. Day 64
"I was at Ampleforth from 1966 to 1970, as were my brothers, my niece and nephews. Two of my best friends were monks (both now departed) - my housemaster and my philosophy teacher. One left the monastery and got married, the other ended his life as abbot of a small community in Western Australia. Both had doubts about Ampleforth as a public school, educating the children of increasingly well off (of necessity) parents, and as a monastic community. "
On the decline of Ampleforth and Downside. And sex scandals at both. This is clearly the theme of the moment, see below.
Deeply saddened and disappointed by the IICSA report today (Thursday 9th) - I feel let down by the school and the monastery, I always felt proud of having been at Ampleforth, and they've just devalued the currency, utterly. And all the good men who were and are monks, there and elsewhere.
Wednesday 8 August Day 69
The serpent enters Eden - sex and alcohol
I have been lazy or reluctant to write or record anything for the past few weeks. I've considered various alternatives - private journal, something specific to my postulancy (I asked Jim if I shouldn't be doing some homework, Jacques seems to have to consider questions from his mentor Imogen e.g. 'what do you react against in Benedict's Rule?' - he says he doesn't like the language, it's too 'fort' - Benedict asks us to hate something, in ourselves, which Jacques doesn't like. I sort of agree, but I nevertheless managed to argue the counter case with him - we had a session on the Rule on Monday evening, after supper, which I enjoyed. He disappeared last night so we have not repeated it, but I'd like to. And I've finished watching Series 1 of 'American Gods' and the next series is not due out until 2019, which is a kind of a relief. It's been nice binge watching moving pictures, but a bit like too much cake, and especially so with American Gods, which sort of takes every God in vain whilst being very careful to skirt round Muhammad and Allah - there is a Muslim and a djinn in it, who have gay sex together - it's very pornographic, in an oddly unsexy way. The heroine's a zombie, the hero a sort of naif everyman. [my alarm's gone off, it's 8am, I need to meditate before our morning meeting. There is then a lot more to write about, mainly the serpent, sex and alcohol]
The other option is long letters to Harriet and Suzanne, maybe Felicity and Polly (who has written a nice article about her stay here which she might put in the Link).
This morning Rebecca suggested Angel cards. I had Trust. She got Balance. Andrew Transformation. Jacques - Vision. Bill - Brotherhood and Sisterhood. Patty - Relaxation.
I said bonjour to Christophe as I went down after meditating on my own in the caravan (I didn't wake up until 7am). He shook my hand and asked me how I was, and I asked him, but he didn't say much. Andrew says he's genuinely sorry, and glad, A. thought, to be picked up for his transgression. He only asked that it be kept confidential, although we all know what happened, not to talk about it to anyone else. He has his wife to make explanations to. In the end I think he'll receive a formal written warning, when he comes back on Aug 16th, and hopefully the other party will be a little more discrete in future - midnight walks alone in the woods with a much older man send out the wrong signal. I feel for Jean Christophe. Andrew runs to the institution, rules, process - all important - but we do not want to become the NHS, or the CoOp, however happy and comfortable that might make Andrew feel. So trust to me means trust in this place, and life, in this little community. I compared what had happened to the cleaning our of the (Augean) stables, ironically led and driven by J-C. Rebecca got that - burrowing into our attics and cellars and bringing the broken rubbish up and into the light (as in her little video of Jacques and I pushing the old library bookcase out into the light and the void, which she and Patty thought was so funny, mostly because of Jacques' and my uselessness). But we didn't break anything, or hurt anyone, and we got it pretty much done before J-C had to leave us for a few days to lick his wounds and mull over his failings. I think Andrew is right, he's quite childish, almost grateful for being called out - he needs boundaries, as do we all (over e.g. drinking before 7pm, a nettle yet to be grasped. I don't feel I can say anything because I'm not drinking at all, so it should perhaps be Andrew, but I think we all need to be told - too much liberty and a free for all will make none of us happy).
I should write this everyday, whether I put it up on the blog or not. A) for my sobriety - several ticks over the last few days; staying up late watching the telly on my own, everyone drinking at supper or lunch, getting stressed and unhappy about J-C, about the magic of Bonnevaux seeming to fade - it hasn't / isn't fading, this unhappiness / boredom / frustration / mundanity / same old same old / unsatisfactory (which means what exactly?) meditation - is all Bonnevaux talking to me, to us. So funny how all the stories of sex abuse at Ampleforth and Downside and Ealing suddenly pop up, and then there is an actual example here - a real world problem that we have to deal with, think through consequences - that any time in the next 10 years someone can make a complaint against J-C, that he could be imprisoned for 10 years under French law (clearly Dominique Strauss Kahn had more of an impact here than I realised), the need for a formal process and proper records, but also for humanity and love and care, for everyone involved.
B) because so much is happening all the time, every day, and it is worth recording - my journey to wherever, if nothing else, but also the story of this place, as it unfolds.
C) because it is part of my postulancy, apparently, although I don't know why and Jim doesn't seem bothered.
And it needs to be written, here, in this form - not as emails or letters or recordings. And saved, for posterity, or some future me, if not for the daily blog.
Yesterday I did Jordan Peterson et al's Big Five personality test which was interesting. See Understand Myself - The Big Five Aspects Scale - I score high on some nice things (openness and compassion) and very low on conscientiousness and industriousness, which is not exactly a surprise, but perhaps a pointer on where I need to focus my attention. What I see as letting go, is perhaps just idleness. And what Stuart would harrumph about with regards to my efforts on The Second Coming - it hasn't needed to take this long and I should pull my finger out - he didn't actually say that, but I suspect that is what he is most upset about. I harrumphhed at him about, among other things, his casual remark that a friend had told him how easy it was/is to reformat the entire book. I told him to ask his 'friend' to do it then.
"I was at Ampleforth from 1966 to 1970, as were my brothers, my niece and nephews. Two of my best friends were monks (both now departed) - my housemaster and my philosophy teacher. One left the monastery and got married, the other ended his life as abbot of a small community in Western Australia. Both had doubts about Ampleforth as a public school, educating the children of increasingly well off (of necessity) parents, and as a monastic community. "
On the decline of Ampleforth and Downside. And sex scandals at both. This is clearly the theme of the moment, see below.
Deeply saddened and disappointed by the IICSA report today (Thursday 9th) - I feel let down by the school and the monastery, I always felt proud of having been at Ampleforth, and they've just devalued the currency, utterly. And all the good men who were and are monks, there and elsewhere.
Wednesday 8 August Day 69
The serpent enters Eden - sex and alcohol
I have been lazy or reluctant to write or record anything for the past few weeks. I've considered various alternatives - private journal, something specific to my postulancy (I asked Jim if I shouldn't be doing some homework, Jacques seems to have to consider questions from his mentor Imogen e.g. 'what do you react against in Benedict's Rule?' - he says he doesn't like the language, it's too 'fort' - Benedict asks us to hate something, in ourselves, which Jacques doesn't like. I sort of agree, but I nevertheless managed to argue the counter case with him - we had a session on the Rule on Monday evening, after supper, which I enjoyed. He disappeared last night so we have not repeated it, but I'd like to. And I've finished watching Series 1 of 'American Gods' and the next series is not due out until 2019, which is a kind of a relief. It's been nice binge watching moving pictures, but a bit like too much cake, and especially so with American Gods, which sort of takes every God in vain whilst being very careful to skirt round Muhammad and Allah - there is a Muslim and a djinn in it, who have gay sex together - it's very pornographic, in an oddly unsexy way. The heroine's a zombie, the hero a sort of naif everyman. [my alarm's gone off, it's 8am, I need to meditate before our morning meeting. There is then a lot more to write about, mainly the serpent, sex and alcohol]
The other option is long letters to Harriet and Suzanne, maybe Felicity and Polly (who has written a nice article about her stay here which she might put in the Link).
This morning Rebecca suggested Angel cards. I had Trust. She got Balance. Andrew Transformation. Jacques - Vision. Bill - Brotherhood and Sisterhood. Patty - Relaxation.
I said bonjour to Christophe as I went down after meditating on my own in the caravan (I didn't wake up until 7am). He shook my hand and asked me how I was, and I asked him, but he didn't say much. Andrew says he's genuinely sorry, and glad, A. thought, to be picked up for his transgression. He only asked that it be kept confidential, although we all know what happened, not to talk about it to anyone else. He has his wife to make explanations to. In the end I think he'll receive a formal written warning, when he comes back on Aug 16th, and hopefully the other party will be a little more discrete in future - midnight walks alone in the woods with a much older man send out the wrong signal. I feel for Jean Christophe. Andrew runs to the institution, rules, process - all important - but we do not want to become the NHS, or the CoOp, however happy and comfortable that might make Andrew feel. So trust to me means trust in this place, and life, in this little community. I compared what had happened to the cleaning our of the (Augean) stables, ironically led and driven by J-C. Rebecca got that - burrowing into our attics and cellars and bringing the broken rubbish up and into the light (as in her little video of Jacques and I pushing the old library bookcase out into the light and the void, which she and Patty thought was so funny, mostly because of Jacques' and my uselessness). But we didn't break anything, or hurt anyone, and we got it pretty much done before J-C had to leave us for a few days to lick his wounds and mull over his failings. I think Andrew is right, he's quite childish, almost grateful for being called out - he needs boundaries, as do we all (over e.g. drinking before 7pm, a nettle yet to be grasped. I don't feel I can say anything because I'm not drinking at all, so it should perhaps be Andrew, but I think we all need to be told - too much liberty and a free for all will make none of us happy).
 |
| Very pissed off Little Owl (I think) guarding the stairs up to the stable attics |
I should write this everyday, whether I put it up on the blog or not. A) for my sobriety - several ticks over the last few days; staying up late watching the telly on my own, everyone drinking at supper or lunch, getting stressed and unhappy about J-C, about the magic of Bonnevaux seeming to fade - it hasn't / isn't fading, this unhappiness / boredom / frustration / mundanity / same old same old / unsatisfactory (which means what exactly?) meditation - is all Bonnevaux talking to me, to us. So funny how all the stories of sex abuse at Ampleforth and Downside and Ealing suddenly pop up, and then there is an actual example here - a real world problem that we have to deal with, think through consequences - that any time in the next 10 years someone can make a complaint against J-C, that he could be imprisoned for 10 years under French law (clearly Dominique Strauss Kahn had more of an impact here than I realised), the need for a formal process and proper records, but also for humanity and love and care, for everyone involved.
B) because so much is happening all the time, every day, and it is worth recording - my journey to wherever, if nothing else, but also the story of this place, as it unfolds.
C) because it is part of my postulancy, apparently, although I don't know why and Jim doesn't seem bothered.
And it needs to be written, here, in this form - not as emails or letters or recordings. And saved, for posterity, or some future me, if not for the daily blog.
Yesterday I did Jordan Peterson et al's Big Five personality test which was interesting. See Understand Myself - The Big Five Aspects Scale - I score high on some nice things (openness and compassion) and very low on conscientiousness and industriousness, which is not exactly a surprise, but perhaps a pointer on where I need to focus my attention. What I see as letting go, is perhaps just idleness. And what Stuart would harrumph about with regards to my efforts on The Second Coming - it hasn't needed to take this long and I should pull my finger out - he didn't actually say that, but I suspect that is what he is most upset about. I harrumphhed at him about, among other things, his casual remark that a friend had told him how easy it was/is to reformat the entire book. I told him to ask his 'friend' to do it then.
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