Up at 5:15 to take Bill to Poitiers Gare. He's off to Paris for a couple of days sightseeing and then to Barcelona to meet up with his wife, who's involved with some NGO in the Caribbean. Nice man. He's done a good job on the Gatehouse. He's built three houses for himself, but not written a book yet. Says he'll be back next year.
Pol rang. She's worried about Laura (and Toby) - he's working late and not pulling his weight with the children, L says. Pol wanted my advice. I said don't interfere, encourage L & T to have a proper talk (not fight). It was funny, she started talking about our efforts with various counsellors and therapists, I had to bite my tongue - no point if you're not prepared to listen and really find out what the other feels. She'd immediately gone into 'rules' mode, it's just 'timekeeping hygiene', as if there was no deeper reason why T might be staying away from home - he's out drinking with the lads and L's home alone with single supper and telly. I wanted to tell/ask her about our last effort, the meeting with the shrink at the Tavistock, who asked why it seemed to be me in the doghouse and all my fault, at which point she shut up and then decided not to go and see the therapist ('too expensive') and then told me to pack my bags. The gist of the conversation last night was that clearly T was in the wrong and needed to pull his socks up; no thought that he might have issues of his own, giving up his life and career in London for a job with the Government in NZ, so his wife could pursue her glittering career. If L is anything like Pol they're in trouble.
Thought more about Sandrine's reference to Laurence being unhappy that the incident was being shared with the committee. I wonder if he heard the news story about the IICSA and Ampleforth / Downside. His 'keep it quiet' attitude is what led them down the primrose path to perdition; more worried about reputation and hushing things up. Like his reaction to the tornado - don't talk about it. Funny that he didn't email me. Did he Andrew?
Another lovely cold night. It's going to be hotter today. Meditation now, then chat to Aden.
Nice long chat with Aden. He's gone all clean living (given up smoking, weed, less alcohol, off to the gym every day) and enjoying it. We think some astrological change is responsible. Joe too, apparently. Vietnam will be interesting. Not defining our identities through our vices. Or not bothering about our identity any more - just look out, leave the little self at home. Being comfortable with our lacks. Paying attention to our real needs. Not running away from negative emotions, or trying to distract or anaesthetise ourselves.
Frustrating day trying to sort out Stuart's cover. Jacques from Lille visited. Seems a nice man. I objected to Laurence shutting down the minute re 'the incident'. Feels quite wrong esp in light of IICSA Ampleforth report. Good chat with Jim Green, about timing, stability, marriages and monasteries, not running away from the pain to drugs, booze, Naxos. Stay here and face the pain. Wait. nice email from Sandrine to my no I won't answer. Knackered. So angry at lunchtime, could barely speak. Just wanted to run away. nice med at 6.15 - just Jacques and me.
Felt very bloated in the evening, so didn't eat. Wanted to watch some rubbish on the telly but in the end I struggled on with Stuart's cover and finally sent him a half decent version.
It rained in the night and I didn't wake up at all or until 7.15. Woke up feeling very depressed. Had a cup of tea and read the Rule (about giving children to monasteries) and came down and shared my misery and anger yesterday. Patty said some nice things about her stay here (she leaves tomorrow, Mariona, also from Barcelona, arrives this afternoon) which cheered me up.
Pol rang. She's worried about Laura (and Toby) - he's working late and not pulling his weight with the children, L says. Pol wanted my advice. I said don't interfere, encourage L & T to have a proper talk (not fight). It was funny, she started talking about our efforts with various counsellors and therapists, I had to bite my tongue - no point if you're not prepared to listen and really find out what the other feels. She'd immediately gone into 'rules' mode, it's just 'timekeeping hygiene', as if there was no deeper reason why T might be staying away from home - he's out drinking with the lads and L's home alone with single supper and telly. I wanted to tell/ask her about our last effort, the meeting with the shrink at the Tavistock, who asked why it seemed to be me in the doghouse and all my fault, at which point she shut up and then decided not to go and see the therapist ('too expensive') and then told me to pack my bags. The gist of the conversation last night was that clearly T was in the wrong and needed to pull his socks up; no thought that he might have issues of his own, giving up his life and career in London for a job with the Government in NZ, so his wife could pursue her glittering career. If L is anything like Pol they're in trouble.
Thought more about Sandrine's reference to Laurence being unhappy that the incident was being shared with the committee. I wonder if he heard the news story about the IICSA and Ampleforth / Downside. His 'keep it quiet' attitude is what led them down the primrose path to perdition; more worried about reputation and hushing things up. Like his reaction to the tornado - don't talk about it. Funny that he didn't email me. Did he Andrew?
Another lovely cold night. It's going to be hotter today. Meditation now, then chat to Aden.
Nice long chat with Aden. He's gone all clean living (given up smoking, weed, less alcohol, off to the gym every day) and enjoying it. We think some astrological change is responsible. Joe too, apparently. Vietnam will be interesting. Not defining our identities through our vices. Or not bothering about our identity any more - just look out, leave the little self at home. Being comfortable with our lacks. Paying attention to our real needs. Not running away from negative emotions, or trying to distract or anaesthetise ourselves.
Frustrating day trying to sort out Stuart's cover. Jacques from Lille visited. Seems a nice man. I objected to Laurence shutting down the minute re 'the incident'. Feels quite wrong esp in light of IICSA Ampleforth report. Good chat with Jim Green, about timing, stability, marriages and monasteries, not running away from the pain to drugs, booze, Naxos. Stay here and face the pain. Wait. nice email from Sandrine to my no I won't answer. Knackered. So angry at lunchtime, could barely speak. Just wanted to run away. nice med at 6.15 - just Jacques and me.
Felt very bloated in the evening, so didn't eat. Wanted to watch some rubbish on the telly but in the end I struggled on with Stuart's cover and finally sent him a half decent version.
It rained in the night and I didn't wake up at all or until 7.15. Woke up feeling very depressed. Had a cup of tea and read the Rule (about giving children to monasteries) and came down and shared my misery and anger yesterday. Patty said some nice things about her stay here (she leaves tomorrow, Mariona, also from Barcelona, arrives this afternoon) which cheered me up.
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| Pol's pics |
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