Friday 6 July Day 37
The Rule Chapter 7.1 on humility, and Jacob's ladder. the idea that the community is deliberately exposing my neediness and desire to be the centre of attention (or not there at all) by not acknowledging me, gently snubbing me. that Laurence is some sort of Magus figure and everyone is following his lead, looking past or over or through me when all I want desperately is to be listened to, laughed at, have my ego soothed and stroked. (Hattrick - see warning sign - infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me)
does (almost any) community automatically do this, in any case? knock the bits off the ones who stick out, and is the rule simply a formalisation / recognition of this - that we are led consciously to discard our egos, to accept the hurt and the constraints, to almost enjoy it?
In a sense are we both proving and demonstrating the truth of JP's idea of the bible and belief and religion as a how to manual from the past on how the world really works - that we are consciously implementing its system not just for survival but for creating the kingdom? That the Rule is a conscious articulation of something that has happened at all times in human communities and by making it conscious it makes it more effective, more efficient?
Tuesday 10 July Day 41
Well Day 50 is in sight (again!). Several twitches recently, half empty glasses of wine, gins being served (Laurence's favourite tipple), pineau aperitifs, a lot of 'parties' generally, although as I thought to myself yesterday, almost every day is a party of some kind here. Arrivals, departures, specials like St Benedict's Day tomorrow. Henriette and Delyth in a state of great excitement planning it all and shopping like mad, the "Architectural Commission" arrive today, Kailas arrived yesterday, fasting so did not eat anything much apart from trying my dahl which he pronounced 'very good' - more lentil bake really and a bit burnt. Andrew said pompously that Kailas was not eating because he's a Hindu - actually he's doing the two day starvation diet. I wonder how he got involved with WCCM, given there's more than enough gurus and meditation in Hinduism to be going on with. Ask him if I get a chance.
Andrew and I are mates I think (and very much the insiders a la Findhorn overheard conversation in the sauna with Pol, gossiping about all the politics in the gloaming under the open windows, mutual whinging about the vagaries of our visitors). And he seems quite relaxed. I think it's nice for him when Delyth gets more involved and has something to do. Alison from Somerset said how nervous she was about meeting Laurence - the holy one.
It's getting noticeably darker in the mornings already. I woke up at 5ish and it's a clear day, no dew again, yet very gloomy. And midsummer only 3 weeks behind us.
Great confusion with my Winky 4 or whatever it's called. No idea what my mailboxes really look like, as I've been checking and (briefly) replying to emails on the phone (it is a lot easier / quicker - I'm going to keep the Chrome in the caravan for writing and stuff, like this, and let the winky handle communications mostly). I've been a bit distracted by all the whizzo apps like note takers and speech to text converters and recorders, all of which seem to work and I may actually be able to use them to e.g. do Belle's transcription - just leave the Speech to Text app listening to her podcast playing on the Chrome and see what sort of rubbish it manages to type up. And no progress on Second Coming, maybe I'll be able to sort it out when the party's over tomorrow. Clean up the back cover as per His Majesty's instructions and perhaps do the corrections - I'll have to redo the PDF in any case. I've just realised everything's still on the Lenovo in the office, apart from what I emailed Stuart. Should back it up to Google Drive, then at least I could see it here.
Eight Theses Regarding the Society of the Disciplinary Spectacle Sacasas' piece here - also his like email - where did it go this morning?
I've been thinking some more about this blog and whether and what form to continue it. See Sacasas' point above about the surveillance / performance society and my thoughts in the podcasts
See my podcasts for the last few days. Once I've figured out how to convert them to .mp3 format.
- this is essentially a fiction, as is my attempt to be 'completely honest', and I'd be better off just making it up, or simply not worrying about it. Or writing individual things to individual friends (we used to call them letters). On the other hand the scrapbook / diary aspect is quite fun, uploading pics and being catty about my fellow Bonnevauxites (pronounce that!) and maybe I should simply stop worrying. And stop being anonymous. And the staying sober aspect hasn't gone away either - Day 41 today, another Day 50 in sight, my 3rd I think, and then 100. I won't say it's getting easier (keep noticing the urges / temptations - the half empty wine glass, the just the one voice, the I'm shattered and it's boiling and wouldn't a nice cold beer be perfect - the airport the other afternoon waiting for Rebecca and Alison and Anna) but I think I'm getting cuter. And I've found two more 0% beers - Heineken (nice, and in tins) and Falsbourg, also nice but stupid 25cl bottles - what's the point having such tiny bottles when they're non-alcoholic anyway, unless we're trying to pretend we're really drinking normal French lagers like everyone else? Found them at Leclerc when I went to replace my gas bottle.
The Rule Chapter 7.1 on humility, and Jacob's ladder. the idea that the community is deliberately exposing my neediness and desire to be the centre of attention (or not there at all) by not acknowledging me, gently snubbing me. that Laurence is some sort of Magus figure and everyone is following his lead, looking past or over or through me when all I want desperately is to be listened to, laughed at, have my ego soothed and stroked. (Hattrick - see warning sign - infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me)
does (almost any) community automatically do this, in any case? knock the bits off the ones who stick out, and is the rule simply a formalisation / recognition of this - that we are led consciously to discard our egos, to accept the hurt and the constraints, to almost enjoy it?
In a sense are we both proving and demonstrating the truth of JP's idea of the bible and belief and religion as a how to manual from the past on how the world really works - that we are consciously implementing its system not just for survival but for creating the kingdom? That the Rule is a conscious articulation of something that has happened at all times in human communities and by making it conscious it makes it more effective, more efficient?
Tuesday 10 July Day 41
Well Day 50 is in sight (again!). Several twitches recently, half empty glasses of wine, gins being served (Laurence's favourite tipple), pineau aperitifs, a lot of 'parties' generally, although as I thought to myself yesterday, almost every day is a party of some kind here. Arrivals, departures, specials like St Benedict's Day tomorrow. Henriette and Delyth in a state of great excitement planning it all and shopping like mad, the "Architectural Commission" arrive today, Kailas arrived yesterday, fasting so did not eat anything much apart from trying my dahl which he pronounced 'very good' - more lentil bake really and a bit burnt. Andrew said pompously that Kailas was not eating because he's a Hindu - actually he's doing the two day starvation diet. I wonder how he got involved with WCCM, given there's more than enough gurus and meditation in Hinduism to be going on with. Ask him if I get a chance.
Andrew and I are mates I think (and very much the insiders a la Findhorn overheard conversation in the sauna with Pol, gossiping about all the politics in the gloaming under the open windows, mutual whinging about the vagaries of our visitors). And he seems quite relaxed. I think it's nice for him when Delyth gets more involved and has something to do. Alison from Somerset said how nervous she was about meeting Laurence - the holy one.
It's getting noticeably darker in the mornings already. I woke up at 5ish and it's a clear day, no dew again, yet very gloomy. And midsummer only 3 weeks behind us.
Great confusion with my Winky 4 or whatever it's called. No idea what my mailboxes really look like, as I've been checking and (briefly) replying to emails on the phone (it is a lot easier / quicker - I'm going to keep the Chrome in the caravan for writing and stuff, like this, and let the winky handle communications mostly). I've been a bit distracted by all the whizzo apps like note takers and speech to text converters and recorders, all of which seem to work and I may actually be able to use them to e.g. do Belle's transcription - just leave the Speech to Text app listening to her podcast playing on the Chrome and see what sort of rubbish it manages to type up. And no progress on Second Coming, maybe I'll be able to sort it out when the party's over tomorrow. Clean up the back cover as per His Majesty's instructions and perhaps do the corrections - I'll have to redo the PDF in any case. I've just realised everything's still on the Lenovo in the office, apart from what I emailed Stuart. Should back it up to Google Drive, then at least I could see it here.
Eight Theses Regarding the Society of the Disciplinary Spectacle Sacasas' piece here - also his like email - where did it go this morning?
I've been thinking some more about this blog and whether and what form to continue it. See Sacasas' point above about the surveillance / performance society and my thoughts in the podcasts
See my podcasts for the last few days. Once I've figured out how to convert them to .mp3 format.
- this is essentially a fiction, as is my attempt to be 'completely honest', and I'd be better off just making it up, or simply not worrying about it. Or writing individual things to individual friends (we used to call them letters). On the other hand the scrapbook / diary aspect is quite fun, uploading pics and being catty about my fellow Bonnevauxites (pronounce that!) and maybe I should simply stop worrying. And stop being anonymous. And the staying sober aspect hasn't gone away either - Day 41 today, another Day 50 in sight, my 3rd I think, and then 100. I won't say it's getting easier (keep noticing the urges / temptations - the half empty wine glass, the just the one voice, the I'm shattered and it's boiling and wouldn't a nice cold beer be perfect - the airport the other afternoon waiting for Rebecca and Alison and Anna) but I think I'm getting cuter. And I've found two more 0% beers - Heineken (nice, and in tins) and Falsbourg, also nice but stupid 25cl bottles - what's the point having such tiny bottles when they're non-alcoholic anyway, unless we're trying to pretend we're really drinking normal French lagers like everyone else? Found them at Leclerc when I went to replace my gas bottle.
 |
| Stuart's book, which I keep moaning about. It's very good. Lots of sex and violence. |
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