Wednesday 27.June.2018

The goat master's harvest - '80 chevrons' - and if you peer hard enough, there are 4 herons flying over the field.

Signs of incipient paranoid psychosis. Everybody hates me, even Felicity. Suzanne. Katherine. Thomas. Delyth probably. Oddly, not Andrew. Very upset by Suzanne's email this morning, seemed sort of cold.

Mr Moreau's harvest all bundled into rolls. 4 huge herons in the field that disappered into tiny dots when I tried to photograph them, like the hot air balloons on Felicity's phone last night. Blocked off Patrick Gormally's arrival. Then my keys (I was in the Astra going to the boulangerie via the pas d'entree sauf riverains et engins agricoles) fell on the floor, and when I picked them up I found the ignition key had snapped off in the lock. Panic that if the car stopped I wouldn't be able to restart it.

I thought on the way back from Coulombiers, if the Asrtra packs up, I'm sort of trapped. That it's only function was to get me and the caravan here, and make sure I don't leave. Ever.

And stinking (or magical) thinking, signs and portents. What does the broken key signify? or the 4 herons in the field? or the dead and living fledglings that Minnie kept bringing to us last night? or the visit of the nuns today? the broken telephone line. The upset with flost.

I sent Belle a long podcast about my troubles - the blog, and writing, and coping with myself (see above) when sober, that I never figured out how to do before.

Dumped by Suzanne. Then her present arrives. Is this Bonnevaux magic? Meditation mischief? My funny walk around  Vivonne along the river. Andrew's ghastly (not his fault) child protection policy. Whatsapping with Harriet. Katherine's lovely supper - our potatoes fresh dug by Susanna. Now Jordan Peterson talking about evil. This strange being flung back into my unresolved past. Sukie's text about my letter and her going down to Flost's with John and Barbara. Unsure what to make of it. Nothing?

And Belle offering me a project as a solution - don't I already have enough to do, that I'm not doing?

And wanting to run away and hide.

Is this all a problem of self absorption (as the Rule commentary talks about, that monastic life and discipline is about overcoming this)?

And should I share this with Jim Green, my Oblate mentor? Hattrick says I should censor myself  - but see my comment about us all being Donald Crowhursts:

on being Donald Crowhurst, and other things

wed 27 june

[01:09]a tough day. feeling like i used to a long time ago - paranoia, depression. meditation putting on pressure. anxiety, insecurity

[04:15]Andrew - the person I know best, who knows me best. goes blank like Johnny. And I often feel that paranoia around Johnny too.

[06:53]misjudging my effect on others e.g fel & x-ening

[09:49]sneezing. new people all the time. my size nine commando boots.

[13:27]meditation. the longest retreat. breaking down. turn this off.

[14:48]we're all donald crowhurst's. pretending we're winning. (this is not about pretending - that's why my audience is a problem)