Very cold in Laura's bedroom, didn't open the windows. Slept until 8 and then had a cup of tea and a meditate with Pol. I ticked her off, quietly, for sneering at my "vegetable growing" and commuting all my life by bike and telling me not to talk so loudly. It's good being sober, you can say these things without being horrid, but without putting up with any nonsense either. She came in later gave me a very sweet kiss and asked if I was alright, and I said I was very happy, and it is nice to be here, which I am and it is.
I emailed Belle, just reporting in, and told her how I'd been standing outside drinking my tea and smoking a fag,feeling a bit crap, and then cheering up when I realised how shit I'd really be feeling if I'd spent last night drinking, and would probably have been stupid or horrid to Pol into the bargain.
Hamlet - Andrew Scott the Almeida. went to bed at the start of the play within the play. Brilliant. Best Shakespeare performance I've ever seen.
Soup alone for two days. No bread - Ryvita seems OK. No afternoon sleeps.
Sunday
Church at 9am at St Nicks. Gail and Brian. Brian said sorry for getting me involved with Nick and Top Trucks. Asking me about my tie (being an old Downsidean, he didn't recognise it). Nick's OK, driving his limo. Dennis and Lizzy very nice and chatty. Go and see them in Saumur when I get to Bonnevaux.
Andrew and Jenny for lunch. It's a long time since I cooked Sunday lunch for anyone. After lunch we had an Easter egg hunt in the garden. Pol and I tied with 8 eggs each.
Very tempted to have a little drink from Pol's well stocked cabinet.
The longer I'm sober the more incongruent I realise my life was before I stopped drinking. The gulf between what I said I was, and what I felt I was, was enormous, but I covered it up, often by making a joke of my drinking escapades (and that's a sort of disguise word), that drinking and being drunk was a part of me, of who I was. Those lies (to myself, mostly) were actually a big part of why I found it hard to stop drinking - it wasn't so much the physical addiction/dependency, although that was obviously a trap, but the way my lies to myself had sort of cemented me in to drinking, really drinking unto death. Now, more and more, as I look back at my drinking, I see how much of a waste it was, of me, my potential, what I had to offer others, especially those I love and who love me. I am ashamed, not in a kind of destructive woe is me way, but I can be honest with myself about the effect and consequences of my drinking in a way I have never been before. I always thought of myself as an honest and trustworthy person, yet in this I was incredibly dishonest and utterly untrustworthy. The healing effect of that gap being closed, or at least, getting narrower, is wonderful, and feeds my determination to stay sober, and that could only happen, because with your help and advice, I've managed to stay sober for so long. I am literally, becoming more congruent, more my real self. (a response to an email from Belle).
I emailed Belle, just reporting in, and told her how I'd been standing outside drinking my tea and smoking a fag,feeling a bit crap, and then cheering up when I realised how shit I'd really be feeling if I'd spent last night drinking, and would probably have been stupid or horrid to Pol into the bargain.
Hamlet - Andrew Scott the Almeida. went to bed at the start of the play within the play. Brilliant. Best Shakespeare performance I've ever seen.
Soup alone for two days. No bread - Ryvita seems OK. No afternoon sleeps.
Sunday
Church at 9am at St Nicks. Gail and Brian. Brian said sorry for getting me involved with Nick and Top Trucks. Asking me about my tie (being an old Downsidean, he didn't recognise it). Nick's OK, driving his limo. Dennis and Lizzy very nice and chatty. Go and see them in Saumur when I get to Bonnevaux.
Andrew and Jenny for lunch. It's a long time since I cooked Sunday lunch for anyone. After lunch we had an Easter egg hunt in the garden. Pol and I tied with 8 eggs each.
Very tempted to have a little drink from Pol's well stocked cabinet.
The longer I'm sober the more incongruent I realise my life was before I stopped drinking. The gulf between what I said I was, and what I felt I was, was enormous, but I covered it up, often by making a joke of my drinking escapades (and that's a sort of disguise word), that drinking and being drunk was a part of me, of who I was. Those lies (to myself, mostly) were actually a big part of why I found it hard to stop drinking - it wasn't so much the physical addiction/dependency, although that was obviously a trap, but the way my lies to myself had sort of cemented me in to drinking, really drinking unto death. Now, more and more, as I look back at my drinking, I see how much of a waste it was, of me, my potential, what I had to offer others, especially those I love and who love me. I am ashamed, not in a kind of destructive woe is me way, but I can be honest with myself about the effect and consequences of my drinking in a way I have never been before. I always thought of myself as an honest and trustworthy person, yet in this I was incredibly dishonest and utterly untrustworthy. The healing effect of that gap being closed, or at least, getting narrower, is wonderful, and feeds my determination to stay sober, and that could only happen, because with your help and advice, I've managed to stay sober for so long. I am literally, becoming more congruent, more my real self. (a response to an email from Belle).
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