Defining my life in relation to Pol. She told Gill about my not drinking. Telling me how proud she is of me, as if somehow my not drinking is her achievement. Her interfering in the alms house (I have to move in, I should take it, I can't go to France now) - so when she destroys the bed / bench, something I really did make for her, all my rage at her condescension and patronising comes to the surface. I could barely speak, didn't trust myself to. And that in reality I am a pathetic little loser, an OAP with a crap old caravan, nothing clever about me, can't even finish my novel (did I actually start Metanoia just to impress Pol?) And this morning, thinking about Gill last night saying Pol said I wasn't drinking, I should have reacted by saying I don't know what the idiot is talking about, and pouring myself a large Scotch (that would have been a real fuck you drink).
What's really going on here?
a) I do feel inferior, or that others look down on me, esp Pol
b) as for Pol there are 2 possibilities, of which I am always aware and which unman me and drive me to drink (ditto, to a lesser extent of Sukie)
1. she really is a cunt
2. it's all in my head. she loves me but i hurt her and don't love her
so whenever she breaks the bench, or tells Gill about my not drinking part of me wants to throttle her while the other part says no, she means nothing by it
I want to sit in judgement on her, find her truly and completely guilty of some crime, so that lets me off the hook - none of it was my fault, not even my drinking. Funny finding that Adieu letter yesterday, written to the children in 2009, saying how unhappy I was making Pol and I had to leave.
in short, am I still playing games with Pol (or trying to), (is she with me?) How do i resolve that, leave it behind, fix it? phantasise here about possible scenarios.
A nice sunny morning. A good day to test the PV kit.
Listening to Sam Harris talking to Anil Seth about consciousness, the self, the brain - for 3 fucking hours - how can you listen to two other people having a conversation for 3 hours? I can't, so I miss half of it. Tanoni and IIT. What is the cerebellum for? (It's 'irrelevant' apparently.) Pan-psychism (sounds interesting). That consciousness reflects the degree of integration of information. So what is pure awareness? Is it total integration, or is it consciousness without content. Harris talking about meditation. Development of our personality, emotions - the pain body, our learned experience of everything since gestation. That hurts, avoid it. This feels nice, hold on to it, go after it. Layer on layer, ending with me in a screaming rage because of a silly fuckup and a timing problem (I told Pol about the almshouse and asked for the bench on a message on her phone, after she'd gone up to london with Emily and had told Karen to dismantle the bench - I wonder if it is a pile of matchwood / kindling, or if Karen has carefully dismantled it. Like the garden gates - did they just get chucked on a bonfire? Pol said they were rotten - which I'm sure is a lie).
Feel pretty crap this morning. Shut the window when I went to sleep and left the heater on, I felt so cold.
I also found The Mirror - Mehetabel garden Sunday 30.sep.2009.
What was that state? Emptiness, or complete integration? And Adieu, written New Year's Day, 2009. And then What was it? written Oct 2009.
Is Pol also playing the same game, or a game at any rate, with me? Wanting to resolve it, understand it, be found innocent, hold me accountable. Pleased I'm sober (she's stopped having digs at me) but a part of her still wants revenge - so trash the bench. What do we both really want? Or do we want lots of things? Our cakes and eat them?
And then I found this - written a year or two ago. Maybe there is more truth here.
"A theory _ fantasy _ daydream"
Anil Seth was involved in making "ex Machina".
They seem unable to admit we don't know everything about stuff, that we actually understand what and how the brain is, physically. cf Sheldrake
we shouldn't create machines that suffer (because they are conscious)
does consciousness imply suffering? can we be conscious and not suffer?
am I the opposite of a psychopath? i.e. not psychopathic enough? (Only a psychopath would enjoy / want Westworld - where you can do anything to the robots because they are not conscious).
Or I am totally narcissistic / solipsistic? only interested in and concerned about myself?
Where is "Pond Life" (it's here now) and all that stuff - letters to Placid etc On my memory chip, or buried in my notepad. Found it. Found them all (in Writings.zip). And I'm shocked to realise it was written in January 2003, on the the morning after I met Pol at the Stamps. Within less than 2 years, we were married and living together in Wefan. So much happened between Pond Life and Iona, in the Blue Argyll, in April 2004, when I asked her to marry me. So what on earth was I doing between January 17, 2000 when Sukie left me, and Sunday January 5th, 2003? 3 years. I did a lot of gliding.
So it hasn't all been about booze.
What's really going on here?
a) I do feel inferior, or that others look down on me, esp Pol
b) as for Pol there are 2 possibilities, of which I am always aware and which unman me and drive me to drink (ditto, to a lesser extent of Sukie)
1. she really is a cunt
2. it's all in my head. she loves me but i hurt her and don't love her
so whenever she breaks the bench, or tells Gill about my not drinking part of me wants to throttle her while the other part says no, she means nothing by it
I want to sit in judgement on her, find her truly and completely guilty of some crime, so that lets me off the hook - none of it was my fault, not even my drinking. Funny finding that Adieu letter yesterday, written to the children in 2009, saying how unhappy I was making Pol and I had to leave.
in short, am I still playing games with Pol (or trying to), (is she with me?) How do i resolve that, leave it behind, fix it? phantasise here about possible scenarios.
A nice sunny morning. A good day to test the PV kit.
Listening to Sam Harris talking to Anil Seth about consciousness, the self, the brain - for 3 fucking hours - how can you listen to two other people having a conversation for 3 hours? I can't, so I miss half of it. Tanoni and IIT. What is the cerebellum for? (It's 'irrelevant' apparently.) Pan-psychism (sounds interesting). That consciousness reflects the degree of integration of information. So what is pure awareness? Is it total integration, or is it consciousness without content. Harris talking about meditation. Development of our personality, emotions - the pain body, our learned experience of everything since gestation. That hurts, avoid it. This feels nice, hold on to it, go after it. Layer on layer, ending with me in a screaming rage because of a silly fuckup and a timing problem (I told Pol about the almshouse and asked for the bench on a message on her phone, after she'd gone up to london with Emily and had told Karen to dismantle the bench - I wonder if it is a pile of matchwood / kindling, or if Karen has carefully dismantled it. Like the garden gates - did they just get chucked on a bonfire? Pol said they were rotten - which I'm sure is a lie).
Feel pretty crap this morning. Shut the window when I went to sleep and left the heater on, I felt so cold.
I also found The Mirror - Mehetabel garden Sunday 30.sep.2009.
What was that state? Emptiness, or complete integration? And Adieu, written New Year's Day, 2009. And then What was it? written Oct 2009.
Is Pol also playing the same game, or a game at any rate, with me? Wanting to resolve it, understand it, be found innocent, hold me accountable. Pleased I'm sober (she's stopped having digs at me) but a part of her still wants revenge - so trash the bench. What do we both really want? Or do we want lots of things? Our cakes and eat them?
And then I found this - written a year or two ago. Maybe there is more truth here.
"A theory _ fantasy _ daydream"
Anil Seth was involved in making "ex Machina".
They seem unable to admit we don't know everything about stuff, that we actually understand what and how the brain is, physically. cf Sheldrake
we shouldn't create machines that suffer (because they are conscious)
does consciousness imply suffering? can we be conscious and not suffer?
am I the opposite of a psychopath? i.e. not psychopathic enough? (Only a psychopath would enjoy / want Westworld - where you can do anything to the robots because they are not conscious).
Or I am totally narcissistic / solipsistic? only interested in and concerned about myself?
Where is "Pond Life" (it's here now) and all that stuff - letters to Placid etc On my memory chip, or buried in my notepad. Found it. Found them all (in Writings.zip). And I'm shocked to realise it was written in January 2003, on the the morning after I met Pol at the Stamps. Within less than 2 years, we were married and living together in Wefan. So much happened between Pond Life and Iona, in the Blue Argyll, in April 2004, when I asked her to marry me. So what on earth was I doing between January 17, 2000 when Sukie left me, and Sunday January 5th, 2003? 3 years. I did a lot of gliding.
So it hasn't all been about booze.
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