It's a simply gorgeous sunny spring day. The Lauras are furiously redecorating her father-in-law's cottage - he left it in a terrible state they said. Funny he's ended up in France about 40 minutes away from me.
Belle talking about the importance of continuous sobriety. She's quite right, and it's timely - I'm definitely sliding along the scale to a) one wouldn't hurt (I know it wouldn't, I also know it wouldn't just be one) b) I need a buzz, a change, a celebration, as if the last 4 months haven't been all of those and more. And her remark about how you feel after a relapse was spot on. Pissed off with myself, and so disappointed at having to go back to the beginning and start again. April 15 is my new Day 100. It wasn't the physical effect - there wasn't one, I didn't even feel particularly drunk - but the psychological one; the loss of the wall, that sense of getting further and further away from old drunk me. Good in a way - a reminder of how vulnerable I really am, and how easily I could slip back, but i don't want to do it again. And April 15 does not seem so far away.
And it's interesting to see how my attitude to everything (what constitutes a worthwhile existence) is subtly changing. Bonnevaux doesn't seem like an enormous one off effort, after which a lot of down time and drinking is necessary, it seems much more like a new way of life, maybe not as hectic as it got in the last 2 or 3 days trying to leave things in a more or less acceptable state, and only meditating / eating / sleeping when I could, but mostly fine, if I just paced myself a bit better. Like regular sleeps in the afternoon.
Pol's changing her mind about going away was a real blessing. I needed to get away from Bonnevaux, not just for a rest and to sort myself out for the move, but to get some distance and perspective on it all. Going to see the Thomas Mills alms houses in Station Road on Tuesday, and maybe I'll just explain to them I can't move in right now, but I'd like to stay on the waiting list. Bob Snells sounds like a nice man. I wonder how much he knows about my history at the CoOp? He knows I was in the bakery there for 3 years, but that was on my application form. I have first refusal on the property - he said I was the "also ran" last time around. Perhaps I should talk to Laurence. A good excuse. Andrew is ridiculous - I asked him for Laurence's number weeks ago and he still hasn't given it to me. I've emailed Laurence directly as someone at Meditatio suggested - why didn't I think of that?
Did Babbel lesson no 2 - all about tidying up (rangeant, faire propre et faire la vaisselle) and irregular gerondifs (etant, ayant, sachant). My biggest problem was with when to say qui est-ce que or qui est-ce qui.
My score is 398 so far but I have no idea whether or not that's any good. It is fun though. Just like real French.
Spent the evening with Johnny and Ingrid, getting stoned (very nice, but I think I'd almost have rather not). J & I got very excited and shouty at me how lucky I was to be offered the almshouse and it was like winning the pools and I absolutely must take it. We agreed that I would, and apply for housing benefit to help pay for it, and still go to Bonnevaux, but have somewhere to retreat to if it goes pearshaped. Johnny said if I told them the truth and turned it down (for now) they'd never consider me again. Laurence has offered me a call on Tuesday at 4pm and I go to see the almshouse on Tuesday, so maybe that's the big decision day. Stumbled off to bed soon after 10 very stoned, but sober, and slept until 8.30.
Belle talking about the importance of continuous sobriety. She's quite right, and it's timely - I'm definitely sliding along the scale to a) one wouldn't hurt (I know it wouldn't, I also know it wouldn't just be one) b) I need a buzz, a change, a celebration, as if the last 4 months haven't been all of those and more. And her remark about how you feel after a relapse was spot on. Pissed off with myself, and so disappointed at having to go back to the beginning and start again. April 15 is my new Day 100. It wasn't the physical effect - there wasn't one, I didn't even feel particularly drunk - but the psychological one; the loss of the wall, that sense of getting further and further away from old drunk me. Good in a way - a reminder of how vulnerable I really am, and how easily I could slip back, but i don't want to do it again. And April 15 does not seem so far away.
And it's interesting to see how my attitude to everything (what constitutes a worthwhile existence) is subtly changing. Bonnevaux doesn't seem like an enormous one off effort, after which a lot of down time and drinking is necessary, it seems much more like a new way of life, maybe not as hectic as it got in the last 2 or 3 days trying to leave things in a more or less acceptable state, and only meditating / eating / sleeping when I could, but mostly fine, if I just paced myself a bit better. Like regular sleeps in the afternoon.
Pol's changing her mind about going away was a real blessing. I needed to get away from Bonnevaux, not just for a rest and to sort myself out for the move, but to get some distance and perspective on it all. Going to see the Thomas Mills alms houses in Station Road on Tuesday, and maybe I'll just explain to them I can't move in right now, but I'd like to stay on the waiting list. Bob Snells sounds like a nice man. I wonder how much he knows about my history at the CoOp? He knows I was in the bakery there for 3 years, but that was on my application form. I have first refusal on the property - he said I was the "also ran" last time around. Perhaps I should talk to Laurence. A good excuse. Andrew is ridiculous - I asked him for Laurence's number weeks ago and he still hasn't given it to me. I've emailed Laurence directly as someone at Meditatio suggested - why didn't I think of that?
Did Babbel lesson no 2 - all about tidying up (rangeant, faire propre et faire la vaisselle) and irregular gerondifs (etant, ayant, sachant). My biggest problem was with when to say qui est-ce que or qui est-ce qui.
My score is 398 so far but I have no idea whether or not that's any good. It is fun though. Just like real French.
Spent the evening with Johnny and Ingrid, getting stoned (very nice, but I think I'd almost have rather not). J & I got very excited and shouty at me how lucky I was to be offered the almshouse and it was like winning the pools and I absolutely must take it. We agreed that I would, and apply for housing benefit to help pay for it, and still go to Bonnevaux, but have somewhere to retreat to if it goes pearshaped. Johnny said if I told them the truth and turned it down (for now) they'd never consider me again. Laurence has offered me a call on Tuesday at 4pm and I go to see the almshouse on Tuesday, so maybe that's the big decision day. Stumbled off to bed soon after 10 very stoned, but sober, and slept until 8.30.
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