Theresa May's re-shuffle that wasn't. Oprah Winfrey for next US President (as if that is any answer to the USA's problems). But she is a fan of both Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hanh. Mindfulness rules the world . . . Toby Young has been twitter fucked. How could May have been so stupid (not to have appointed him, but not to have thought through the inevitable twit storm and prepared for it)? If she or her advisers really had no idea what Toby Young is like, they should never have put him up, not just dumped him when the usual suspects turned on him.
I woke up knackered, but my back feels surprisingly good. I think a day's work standing and carrying is probably good for it, much better anyway than sitting around on various not very ergonomic chairs or beds.
Day 4 / 95 / -96. I shall stick with numbers as above. It matters, not because of score or 'winning', but as an index of how far I have come. (4) acknowledges the slip up, but doesn't privilege it. The important thing is to try harder, not to do it again, to try and reach a real 100 sober days, not to let the whole thing dribble away in to an occasional drink, moderation, same old or even worse old, as I've always done before. A lovely period of sobriety (really don't like that word - it doesn't sound like what not drinking feels like to me - something positive and joyful, more fun than being drunk, creative, funny) sailing through Christmas, and parties, and funerals, and then a sort of sad sordid giving up giving up, pretending I can be normal but just reverting to being a drunk, quicker and quicker, each time. I do not want to repeat that.
Belle's question is hard to answer - why did I 'slip up'? How long before the actual bottle of sherry did I start to slip? What do I need to look out for? How subtle is 'wolfie' (this is shorthand, I don't think it's wolfie, I think it's me, and how clever I can be at setting up a situation where I can and will drink - I think I'd been plotting the bottle of sherry or something like it for days - was it important not to reach 100 days? who to? drinking me or sober me or ego me, or even deep me - getting to 100 days is just (or in danger of being just) an ego trip / boost, a failure at the last fence perhaps, a better way of keeping up my guard and momentum. Answer to Belle - I'd started coasting, perhaps, rather than positively driving forward down the road. A loss of momentum (getting sloppy / casual about my blog = accountability and emails to Belle, losing track of days) that started on or before Christmas. Too much NA beer - subtly blurring the distinction between not drinking and drinking. Too much party / party / party - not that it was particularly strenuous and I didn't enjoy it - just no real time out, home safe in my space - something to be aware of in Bonnevaux, as H was warning me the other day. Potentially cut off from all my supports. My first real 'holiday' since going sober.
Rang Pol to get Laura's number to wish them bon voyage. Elly answered and we had a nice chat. Maybe see her on Jan 18th before I go to Poitiers. She sounded really well and happy. Be nice to see her, it's been a long time.
The cat's been expelled so I'll have to listen to it whingeing outside my window all day and night (she crapped and was sick and peed all over Laura's landing. Laura was so ill she had to eat a microwave). Laura's hoping it'll figure out the cat flap before Diana comes back from Ireland. Why do I find its whining so distressing / enraging? It's worse than (or as bad as) a baby crying.
From H:
An analyst called Fairburn wrote of how many of us have an ‘internal saboteur’ which would be Belle’s Wolfie, and which draws us towards deadly actions. Perhaps that’s your Bolshiness in this instance. But on the other side you seem to me to be much more active than I in terms of getting out and about and doing creative things - I admire you for that. Have a good day Xxh
To H:
which is part of the problem - too much time being distractedly 'busy' over Christmas, not nearly enough being quietly mindful. I think the 'internal' saboteur is too loaded / judgemental a term. Who's to say its agenda and motivations are less valid than superficial me. It's the wolfie problem again. Yes it appears to be sabotage, but I can think of lots of occasions in my life when I absolutely seemed to sabotage something, but which later looked much more like a deliberate (and appropriate) change of direction or escape. Not in this case, I think something else was going on, but I am mulling (and anyway, what could I possibly know or guess about the thoughts and motivations of the 'internal saboteur'!)
---
Reading
Another factor. Finally binned the LRB which I pinched from H. I've been carrying it around with me since before Christmas, not reading it, but not reading anything else either. Ditto Darwin's Worms by Adam Phillips. Both good, but I need a good read, something to turn off the telly / radio / laptop for and go to bed with - like Stuart's next chapter, or Philip Pullman, which I had to return unread to the library (34 people in the queue).
Thank Ingrid for shaving brush and bowl - a lovely delayed birthday present
===========
email to Belle today in reply to hers:
On 8 January 2018 at 16:37, Belle <tiredofdrinking@gmail.com> wrote:
so if there is a period of time of about 7-9 days of prelapse before a relapse, then it’ll be good for you to identify now the 4-6 things you were doing before, that you stopped doing in the week before the drink. it’s not just the day or two before, the incremental slide starts before that. we don’t just trip, fall, and drink. we slide into it, like a car drifting away from its supports will end up in oncoming traffic. do you have some ideas on what those things might be, the prelapse signs? because once you’re aware of them, then in future, if you see one of those things, you know it’s a warning.
hugs
Dear Belle
Thinking about this one. I think the main thing, which I said to Hat trick, is that I lost momentum - I just started to coast, sometime in the run up to Christmas. I was so pleased with myself for not drinking all the way through, and all my socialising and travelling about the country, I kind of lost focus. Blogging and emailing you started to take a back seat, and I started to get complacent. In a weird way, drinking that bottle of sherry was almost me waking myself up - "you are not fixed, this is serious, stop fucking about". You'll no doubt suspect that is me excusing myself after the fact, but it was very odd the way I did it, no agonising, no thought, I just did it and did not consider for a moment what I was really doing, so close to the 100. And the other factor was that I spent a long time away from here, my home and hideaway, and I definitely need quite a bit of time out, on my own, in my safe and comfortable space, doing all my non-drinking things, and not doing anything at all. Hat trick is much better at this than I am (now I'm sober - when drunk I spent a lot of time doing nothing, which may be one of the reasons I did drink. I just wanted to get off the merry go round of compulsion and busyness). You go to bed, eat cake, have baths. I do nothing. Read maybe.
love fatgit
========
I have started painting my table. The green is too bright, too green, and the gray too dark. Try watering it down - I don't want to hide the wood, just tone it together.
Took my new pannier out for the first time - brilliant, clips on and off, easy to open and load - a wonderful Christmas present. Another hard afternoon and evening at Cransford Poly. Came home with some loot, heavy cardboard to make a full scale model of Felicity and Steve's table. And asked Little Steve if I could take the dodgy pallets away, which he said was fine. Home nice and quick - didn't get lost this time.
I woke up knackered, but my back feels surprisingly good. I think a day's work standing and carrying is probably good for it, much better anyway than sitting around on various not very ergonomic chairs or beds.
Day 4 / 95 / -96. I shall stick with numbers as above. It matters, not because of score or 'winning', but as an index of how far I have come. (4) acknowledges the slip up, but doesn't privilege it. The important thing is to try harder, not to do it again, to try and reach a real 100 sober days, not to let the whole thing dribble away in to an occasional drink, moderation, same old or even worse old, as I've always done before. A lovely period of sobriety (really don't like that word - it doesn't sound like what not drinking feels like to me - something positive and joyful, more fun than being drunk, creative, funny) sailing through Christmas, and parties, and funerals, and then a sort of sad sordid giving up giving up, pretending I can be normal but just reverting to being a drunk, quicker and quicker, each time. I do not want to repeat that.
Belle's question is hard to answer - why did I 'slip up'? How long before the actual bottle of sherry did I start to slip? What do I need to look out for? How subtle is 'wolfie' (this is shorthand, I don't think it's wolfie, I think it's me, and how clever I can be at setting up a situation where I can and will drink - I think I'd been plotting the bottle of sherry or something like it for days - was it important not to reach 100 days? who to? drinking me or sober me or ego me, or even deep me - getting to 100 days is just (or in danger of being just) an ego trip / boost, a failure at the last fence perhaps, a better way of keeping up my guard and momentum. Answer to Belle - I'd started coasting, perhaps, rather than positively driving forward down the road. A loss of momentum (getting sloppy / casual about my blog = accountability and emails to Belle, losing track of days) that started on or before Christmas. Too much NA beer - subtly blurring the distinction between not drinking and drinking. Too much party / party / party - not that it was particularly strenuous and I didn't enjoy it - just no real time out, home safe in my space - something to be aware of in Bonnevaux, as H was warning me the other day. Potentially cut off from all my supports. My first real 'holiday' since going sober.
Rang Pol to get Laura's number to wish them bon voyage. Elly answered and we had a nice chat. Maybe see her on Jan 18th before I go to Poitiers. She sounded really well and happy. Be nice to see her, it's been a long time.
The cat's been expelled so I'll have to listen to it whingeing outside my window all day and night (she crapped and was sick and peed all over Laura's landing. Laura was so ill she had to eat a microwave). Laura's hoping it'll figure out the cat flap before Diana comes back from Ireland. Why do I find its whining so distressing / enraging? It's worse than (or as bad as) a baby crying.
From H:
An analyst called Fairburn wrote of how many of us have an ‘internal saboteur’ which would be Belle’s Wolfie, and which draws us towards deadly actions. Perhaps that’s your Bolshiness in this instance. But on the other side you seem to me to be much more active than I in terms of getting out and about and doing creative things - I admire you for that. Have a good day Xxh
To H:
which is part of the problem - too much time being distractedly 'busy' over Christmas, not nearly enough being quietly mindful. I think the 'internal' saboteur is too loaded / judgemental a term. Who's to say its agenda and motivations are less valid than superficial me. It's the wolfie problem again. Yes it appears to be sabotage, but I can think of lots of occasions in my life when I absolutely seemed to sabotage something, but which later looked much more like a deliberate (and appropriate) change of direction or escape. Not in this case, I think something else was going on, but I am mulling (and anyway, what could I possibly know or guess about the thoughts and motivations of the 'internal saboteur'!)
---
Reading
Another factor. Finally binned the LRB which I pinched from H. I've been carrying it around with me since before Christmas, not reading it, but not reading anything else either. Ditto Darwin's Worms by Adam Phillips. Both good, but I need a good read, something to turn off the telly / radio / laptop for and go to bed with - like Stuart's next chapter, or Philip Pullman, which I had to return unread to the library (34 people in the queue).
Thank Ingrid for shaving brush and bowl - a lovely delayed birthday present
===========
email to Belle today in reply to hers:
On 8 January 2018 at 16:37, Belle <tiredofdrinking@gmail.com> wrote:
so if there is a period of time of about 7-9 days of prelapse before a relapse, then it’ll be good for you to identify now the 4-6 things you were doing before, that you stopped doing in the week before the drink. it’s not just the day or two before, the incremental slide starts before that. we don’t just trip, fall, and drink. we slide into it, like a car drifting away from its supports will end up in oncoming traffic. do you have some ideas on what those things might be, the prelapse signs? because once you’re aware of them, then in future, if you see one of those things, you know it’s a warning.
hugs
Dear Belle
Thinking about this one. I think the main thing, which I said to Hat trick, is that I lost momentum - I just started to coast, sometime in the run up to Christmas. I was so pleased with myself for not drinking all the way through, and all my socialising and travelling about the country, I kind of lost focus. Blogging and emailing you started to take a back seat, and I started to get complacent. In a weird way, drinking that bottle of sherry was almost me waking myself up - "you are not fixed, this is serious, stop fucking about". You'll no doubt suspect that is me excusing myself after the fact, but it was very odd the way I did it, no agonising, no thought, I just did it and did not consider for a moment what I was really doing, so close to the 100. And the other factor was that I spent a long time away from here, my home and hideaway, and I definitely need quite a bit of time out, on my own, in my safe and comfortable space, doing all my non-drinking things, and not doing anything at all. Hat trick is much better at this than I am (now I'm sober - when drunk I spent a lot of time doing nothing, which may be one of the reasons I did drink. I just wanted to get off the merry go round of compulsion and busyness). You go to bed, eat cake, have baths. I do nothing. Read maybe.
love fatgit
========
I have started painting my table. The green is too bright, too green, and the gray too dark. Try watering it down - I don't want to hide the wood, just tone it together.
Took my new pannier out for the first time - brilliant, clips on and off, easy to open and load - a wonderful Christmas present. Another hard afternoon and evening at Cransford Poly. Came home with some loot, heavy cardboard to make a full scale model of Felicity and Steve's table. And asked Little Steve if I could take the dodgy pallets away, which he said was fine. Home nice and quick - didn't get lost this time.
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