Day 12 Wednesday 17.i.2018
After grumbling about RyanAir's attempts to frighten me about their new bags policy and I must check in (only I don't have to until Jan 21) I finally relented and decided to pay the measly £6 for the Stansted - Poitiers leg. Just as well, as my card was rejected and I went to check it, and found I had left my wallet and all my cards and cash in my cycle pannier. So thanks RyanAir for being such a pain.
Darwin's Worms about 'normal mourning' and death. Our search for permanence, immortality, absolutes is just a refusal to accept transience and our own death. So much for Plato. Equally 'forced forgetting' of unpleasantness - Darwin's comment that whenever he came a cross a fact that conflicted with his theories he immediately made a note of it, because he had noticed he was much more likely to forget 'negative' facts than 'positive' ones - the source of confirmation bias. What we deliberately forget, repress, the unfinished mournings in our lives, becomes shadow and then projection. Was I unable to properly mourn the loss of Ma when I was dying of gastro enteritis in St Thomas', because too young, or unable to find any compensation, and so ever after unable to let go, always suffering from some sort of separation anxiety ? the roots of depression? and hanging on, however I could, to Sukie and Pol, even to Karen or Kate? and all my really affective relationships with women. a search for permanence, because baby me had never really come to terms with the early loss of Ma?
And of course, none of this really helps with death. There are no compensations for us after death, other than the fairy tales of eternity and heaven, even the nightmare of hell being preferable to extinction.
And addictions - the inability to let go of my one true friend, alcohol. So maybe meditation & mindfulness were not quite so useless after all, if they helped with that attachment problem, the living with transience; because nothing lasts for ever, there is no need to anaesthetise the dread or pain with alcohol, which only inthe long run causes a different kind of dread or pain, if not death. Addiction / dependence is not a death wish, it's the opposite, a fear of loss and separation.
A sudden avalanche of things falling into place, precipitated by Every 3rd Thought and Darwin's Worms (I've hardly read anything else since before Christmas) and aided by 100 odd days of not drinking ('sobriety' sounds to me like toilet or settee or anti-macassar).
Freud's free association cf the mindfulness practise of simply observing thoughts and feelings, not pushing them away or clinging on to them, no self censoring, neither positive or stinking thinking - just watching what is arising at any moment.
After grumbling about RyanAir's attempts to frighten me about their new bags policy and I must check in (only I don't have to until Jan 21) I finally relented and decided to pay the measly £6 for the Stansted - Poitiers leg. Just as well, as my card was rejected and I went to check it, and found I had left my wallet and all my cards and cash in my cycle pannier. So thanks RyanAir for being such a pain.
Darwin's Worms about 'normal mourning' and death. Our search for permanence, immortality, absolutes is just a refusal to accept transience and our own death. So much for Plato. Equally 'forced forgetting' of unpleasantness - Darwin's comment that whenever he came a cross a fact that conflicted with his theories he immediately made a note of it, because he had noticed he was much more likely to forget 'negative' facts than 'positive' ones - the source of confirmation bias. What we deliberately forget, repress, the unfinished mournings in our lives, becomes shadow and then projection. Was I unable to properly mourn the loss of Ma when I was dying of gastro enteritis in St Thomas', because too young, or unable to find any compensation, and so ever after unable to let go, always suffering from some sort of separation anxiety ? the roots of depression? and hanging on, however I could, to Sukie and Pol, even to Karen or Kate? and all my really affective relationships with women. a search for permanence, because baby me had never really come to terms with the early loss of Ma?
And of course, none of this really helps with death. There are no compensations for us after death, other than the fairy tales of eternity and heaven, even the nightmare of hell being preferable to extinction.
And addictions - the inability to let go of my one true friend, alcohol. So maybe meditation & mindfulness were not quite so useless after all, if they helped with that attachment problem, the living with transience; because nothing lasts for ever, there is no need to anaesthetise the dread or pain with alcohol, which only inthe long run causes a different kind of dread or pain, if not death. Addiction / dependence is not a death wish, it's the opposite, a fear of loss and separation.
A sudden avalanche of things falling into place, precipitated by Every 3rd Thought and Darwin's Worms (I've hardly read anything else since before Christmas) and aided by 100 odd days of not drinking ('sobriety' sounds to me like toilet or settee or anti-macassar).
Freud's free association cf the mindfulness practise of simply observing thoughts and feelings, not pushing them away or clinging on to them, no self censoring, neither positive or stinking thinking - just watching what is arising at any moment.
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