I'd much rather be reading Oranges and Doughnuts (Belle's novel) than watching dumb rom coms or feeling sorry for myself. It definitely makes me feel better about myself. And stop worrying what day it is really (101, 10, -90 blech) - it's another day sober.
I'd like to go to Barbara's mindfulness session tonight, but right now (9.20am) it's pissing with rain and blowing a gale from the west (i.e. Framlingham) and according to the internet, will do so all day. Need to sort out my food before I go to France - I bought a ridiculous amount of fresh food that I can't possibly eat before Wednesday and I now only have a tiny freezer which is already full. As is the fridge. And my food cupboard has overflowed on to the worktop.
p245 Belle's novel
"I turn up the volume and watch another episode, drink black coffee
in bed (no cream), eat dry cereal (no milk), and what surprises me is
that the show holds my attention. I’m not clicking all over the place,
checking other channels. I’m not on my phone. I actually watch a
show (OK, two shows back to back). I pay attention.
And I can remember them when they’re over. "
It's funny how I'm almost exactly the reverse. I find it much more difficult to concentrate. The only time I really pay attention is when I meditate. On the other hand I paid attention to books and TV when drinking, but remembered 50% at best. Now I can remember the endings of all the films I watched yesterday, and the names of all the programmes I decided not to watch. I sort of get this itch when listening to something on the radio or the internet, to do something else as well (play Freecell or Go, or make my table, or paint it). Perhaps I can add ADHD to OCD and BPD.
Reading Adam Phillips (Darwin's Worms) on Freud and biography. The impossibility of biography. The desire to make coherent sense of a life. And why do human beings wish to die in their own fashion (Freud's theory about thanatos)? Is it even true? What does it mean? I'm not sure I do want to die, now. I want to keep on keeping on, sober and real and aware, unless / until it just gets too painful.
How patronised I felt when Belle said something about me still being in "early sobriety". Easy for her to say with her mountain of days. As far as I'm concerned, this is as sober as I've ever been in my entire adult life. However she's right - she was making the point that staying sober should be the entire focus, not doing stuff like Metanoia, or tables, or proofreading Stuart's book, or worrying about all the food I've bought.
Thoughts like fishes keep flashing through my head (or Bede's swallow through the hall) too quick to catch and write down.
I've abandoned the silly numbers game. This is Day 10, appropriately enough, since yesterday would have been Day 100. And Days 1-90 old money were not wasted - they are 90 days of not drinking which have not been destroyed by a bottle of British Sherry (my confidence and cockiness maybe). And that in a way is Belle's point - the absolute number of days is no guarantee at all that today I will not drink, which was sort of my problem - I'd started to believe I was home and (literally) dry.
I'd like to go to Barbara's mindfulness session tonight, but right now (9.20am) it's pissing with rain and blowing a gale from the west (i.e. Framlingham) and according to the internet, will do so all day. Need to sort out my food before I go to France - I bought a ridiculous amount of fresh food that I can't possibly eat before Wednesday and I now only have a tiny freezer which is already full. As is the fridge. And my food cupboard has overflowed on to the worktop.
p245 Belle's novel
"I turn up the volume and watch another episode, drink black coffee
in bed (no cream), eat dry cereal (no milk), and what surprises me is
that the show holds my attention. I’m not clicking all over the place,
checking other channels. I’m not on my phone. I actually watch a
show (OK, two shows back to back). I pay attention.
And I can remember them when they’re over. "
It's funny how I'm almost exactly the reverse. I find it much more difficult to concentrate. The only time I really pay attention is when I meditate. On the other hand I paid attention to books and TV when drinking, but remembered 50% at best. Now I can remember the endings of all the films I watched yesterday, and the names of all the programmes I decided not to watch. I sort of get this itch when listening to something on the radio or the internet, to do something else as well (play Freecell or Go, or make my table, or paint it). Perhaps I can add ADHD to OCD and BPD.
Reading Adam Phillips (Darwin's Worms) on Freud and biography. The impossibility of biography. The desire to make coherent sense of a life. And why do human beings wish to die in their own fashion (Freud's theory about thanatos)? Is it even true? What does it mean? I'm not sure I do want to die, now. I want to keep on keeping on, sober and real and aware, unless / until it just gets too painful.
How patronised I felt when Belle said something about me still being in "early sobriety". Easy for her to say with her mountain of days. As far as I'm concerned, this is as sober as I've ever been in my entire adult life. However she's right - she was making the point that staying sober should be the entire focus, not doing stuff like Metanoia, or tables, or proofreading Stuart's book, or worrying about all the food I've bought.
Thoughts like fishes keep flashing through my head (or Bede's swallow through the hall) too quick to catch and write down.
I've abandoned the silly numbers game. This is Day 10, appropriately enough, since yesterday would have been Day 100. And Days 1-90 old money were not wasted - they are 90 days of not drinking which have not been destroyed by a bottle of British Sherry (my confidence and cockiness maybe). And that in a way is Belle's point - the absolute number of days is no guarantee at all that today I will not drink, which was sort of my problem - I'd started to believe I was home and (literally) dry.
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