So here I am again. Another Saturday. I'm surprised I don't feel more ill, but I've been feeling so ill anyway it hardly makes much difference.
I'm sorry everyone.
Pick myself up, start all over again. Fail again. Fail better.
Try and work out why it happened, why I did it. My little piece a couple of days ago about the Belle Method, finished with focusing every day on staying sober, which I sort of tacked on as an afterthought, which is what it had become. I just got complacent. Which is possibly why I did it. I might have bought the bottle, used what I needed for my sauce, and put it away in Andrew's cupboard. Set myself a test, and passed, and become even more complacent. As it was, I proved to myself, as if it needed proving, that I'm a very long way from safe.
Maybe Epiphany is a good day to start a 100-day challenge.
I think that knocks Naxos on the head too - a treat too far, and too soon, and too dangerous.
And I think I'm deep down tired as well. The aftermath of Christmas, and getting ill, and doing too much (having to send Phillip Pullman's Belle Sauvage back to the library - 34 people waiting for it - without reading a line - not some sort of failure, but a symptom maybe). And manic too - the buying and selling of bitcoin - harmless enough, but feels mad, or out of control, edging into fantasy.
It's ironic / funny that today is exactly (both day and date) 3 months since I stopped drinking the last time. (Actually it was Saturday 7th October but who's counting, apart from me, of course).
I'm sorry everyone.
Pick myself up, start all over again. Fail again. Fail better.
Try and work out why it happened, why I did it. My little piece a couple of days ago about the Belle Method, finished with focusing every day on staying sober, which I sort of tacked on as an afterthought, which is what it had become. I just got complacent. Which is possibly why I did it. I might have bought the bottle, used what I needed for my sauce, and put it away in Andrew's cupboard. Set myself a test, and passed, and become even more complacent. As it was, I proved to myself, as if it needed proving, that I'm a very long way from safe.
Maybe Epiphany is a good day to start a 100-day challenge.
I think that knocks Naxos on the head too - a treat too far, and too soon, and too dangerous.
And I think I'm deep down tired as well. The aftermath of Christmas, and getting ill, and doing too much (having to send Phillip Pullman's Belle Sauvage back to the library - 34 people waiting for it - without reading a line - not some sort of failure, but a symptom maybe). And manic too - the buying and selling of bitcoin - harmless enough, but feels mad, or out of control, edging into fantasy.
It's ironic / funny that today is exactly (both day and date) 3 months since I stopped drinking the last time. (Actually it was Saturday 7th October but who's counting, apart from me, of course).
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