Day 83 Thursday 28.xii.2017

Belle's message today, and Crystal Light's response. I got "tired of thinking about drinking / not-drinking" some time ago, long before I actually stopped. I just let go and headed straight for what turned out to be my bottom. It was frightening, because I didn't know how low my bottom might be (quite low enough, as far as I was concerned) but in a way it worked - I got there quicker, and because I really knew I had hit my bottom (lost my job, felt like I was dying, felt permanently half alive and sad) I found it much easier to stop, and stay stopped. A bit like the man who gave up smoking, just like that, because as he told his daughter, he'd spent the previous 6 months not wanting to smoke. Although I stopped thinking about drinking / not-drinking, or trying any of the tricks to moderate or control my drinking, I never stopped wanting not to drink, not to have my life be reduced to drinking until I was dead - I just could not figure out how to do it, so I stopped trying. Fortunately, when I did reach my bottom, Belle popped up with the tool kit - the 7 day sober jump start, the 30 days, the 100 days, the treats, this blog, her emails and podcasts - that has helped me stay stopped, this far, so far. My fingers still twitch when I see a bottle or a half empty glass, but I'm living and really loving my life without constantly obsessing about alcohol, or even missing it. Still seems strange to feel shit in the morning (sometimes), but it's real shit, not self induced entirely avoidable shit - a cough, or a bad night's sleep, or an unpleasant dream. And also how powerful an anaesthetic alcohol actually is - physically, emotionally, psychologically - reality hurts, and can be uncomfortable and unpleasant, and alcohol really does cover that up. But if I were offered the alcoholic's fantasy (alcohol without the price) I really don't want it. I want to be aware, alive. I want to be hurt, as well as happy. I do not want to go gentle into that goodnight - I don't want to go out kicking and screaming either, just to be aware and alive and glad to be here until the very last.