Cold. Snow by 10am. Lovely picture of the valley beyond Koronouchori, filled with sun and flowers, from Lou. It's my wallpaper (for now). Engares in the distance and the wind turbine. Almost hurts. And Christos sends pictures of raki distilleries ('tis the season) and abandoned houses. As I said to him, surely one of them has my name on it.
Spoke to Aden, after his expedition to the mountains of North Vietnam with his brother.
It's started to snow (10:30 - only half an hour late).
Tried to sell my bitcoin. Bitcoin sales are temporarily unavailable. Oh dear.
Cleaned the carpet, again. Does look better.
Cleaned the drain under the sink. No real smell there so the old fart smell Diana and I notice whenever we go near the sink must be coming out of the tap (or Esmé's bum).
Started Chapter 24.
Posted a long comment to Belle's blog . I wrote about will- vs want- power. In a way, doing this with will power has always felt like building a tower out of single wooden bricks. The higher it gets, the wobblier. It has to fall at some point. See what Simone Weil said about will power (she just had / used a little, just to show herself how useless it was; it is pure ego). Whereas want-power is like building a wall, and each brick is not just made out of will, but out of all the things that are good about not drinking, all the good things I do now that I only dreamed of doing before. About feeling good about myself, pretty much every day. Which is where AA gets it wrong - so many people spend their time dissing themselves, and then a few just seem to be nothing but ego, sort of control freaks and bullies, showing off their will power muscles, even as they say they couldn't do it without AA. The truth, I suspect, is they couldn't do it without sucking something from the other people at the meetings (I've been sober for xx years, you poor shit). The exact opposite of the way Mark seems to me to be - very kind, humble, only sober since he woke up this morning. And to be fair, he'd give all the credit to AA, and God, I suspect.
Ate porridge. Meditated. Aden rang. Stopped meditating. Started again after. The mind / ego is like a horse. Meditating is like getting off the horse, and holding (or not holding) the reins and just walking across the prairie, not going where the horse is going, and not trying to make the horse go anywhere in particular. The trouble is, every few seconds, I'm back in the saddle again, and the horse is galloping toward some new excitement. So stop, dismount, and just go back to walking across the prairie (watched Ray Mears last night).
Don't think I've won the Lottery (they said they'd email me if I had). Close the acccount.
Going to resume reading Belle's "Keeping the Wolf From the Door - Tired of Thinking About Drinking - Year 1 " - I got about half way through, and then got distracted. Started feeling vulnerable last night. Or unsafe.
I have re-arranged the furniture. Transformed the room. Need something to put a table lamp on. And a decent light over my sink to shave by.
A good day.
Spoke to Aden, after his expedition to the mountains of North Vietnam with his brother.
It's started to snow (10:30 - only half an hour late).
Tried to sell my bitcoin. Bitcoin sales are temporarily unavailable. Oh dear.
Cleaned the carpet, again. Does look better.
Cleaned the drain under the sink. No real smell there so the old fart smell Diana and I notice whenever we go near the sink must be coming out of the tap (or Esmé's bum).
Started Chapter 24.
Posted a long comment to Belle's blog . I wrote about will- vs want- power. In a way, doing this with will power has always felt like building a tower out of single wooden bricks. The higher it gets, the wobblier. It has to fall at some point. See what Simone Weil said about will power (she just had / used a little, just to show herself how useless it was; it is pure ego). Whereas want-power is like building a wall, and each brick is not just made out of will, but out of all the things that are good about not drinking, all the good things I do now that I only dreamed of doing before. About feeling good about myself, pretty much every day. Which is where AA gets it wrong - so many people spend their time dissing themselves, and then a few just seem to be nothing but ego, sort of control freaks and bullies, showing off their will power muscles, even as they say they couldn't do it without AA. The truth, I suspect, is they couldn't do it without sucking something from the other people at the meetings (I've been sober for xx years, you poor shit). The exact opposite of the way Mark seems to me to be - very kind, humble, only sober since he woke up this morning. And to be fair, he'd give all the credit to AA, and God, I suspect.
Ate porridge. Meditated. Aden rang. Stopped meditating. Started again after. The mind / ego is like a horse. Meditating is like getting off the horse, and holding (or not holding) the reins and just walking across the prairie, not going where the horse is going, and not trying to make the horse go anywhere in particular. The trouble is, every few seconds, I'm back in the saddle again, and the horse is galloping toward some new excitement. So stop, dismount, and just go back to walking across the prairie (watched Ray Mears last night).
Don't think I've won the Lottery (they said they'd email me if I had). Close the acccount.
Going to resume reading Belle's "Keeping the Wolf From the Door - Tired of Thinking About Drinking - Year 1 " - I got about half way through, and then got distracted. Started feeling vulnerable last night. Or unsafe.
I have re-arranged the furniture. Transformed the room. Need something to put a table lamp on. And a decent light over my sink to shave by.
A good day.
Yes, want vs. willpower, good stuff, thank you.
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