Temptations (feeling great, doing stuff e.g. skiing, falling in love) and vulnerabilities - feeling twitchy / scratchy / restless / speedy - reasons why I feel like a drink. Anger, very rarely. Hunger not obviously - although it is interesting how having something to eat reduces the craving for a drink. Loneliness, maybe. Tiredness ditto, although lying down seems to work just as well. But the real killer is my brain going into overdrive. I suppose I could ask a doctor for depressants.
That twitchiness / desperation last night. Throwing back cranberry & tonic like it was neat scotch, smoking so hard the fag end looked like a red hot poker, mouthwash, coffee. Abusing these things, just like I abuse alcohol - only they don't really work. So what's the best response? It's definitely not willpower. Meditation? yoga? food? sleep's impossible (I assume). Distraction - telly, a book, a game. exercise. writing (almost anything, including this).
Strange sad feeling looking at the half full waning moon gazing down on Southwold (not really, gazing at the sun, like a lover / worshipper). Wanted to write a poem. Always associated the moon with Pol, don't now, strangely. Still makes me feel sad, or exhilarated - something anyway.
Day 0 no smoking (for 7 days) . Day 8 is also Day 42 - 17 November. Spooky.
Nice chat with A about siblings and father / son relationships. J arrives Sat week. Write to my estranged brother.
Bought a Canna lily at the florist for £3 and a super sharp knife from the kitchen shop and cod liver oil from the pharmacy.
Lucy (check) the dentist did a very thorough job on me - three X rays and lots of teeth tapping and gum probing. She's referring me to hospital for further tests. Doesn't think it's an infection. Neither do I. Bought more aspirin. Ibuprofen and paracetomol seem useless. Practically ODed on them last night but they had no effect on my teeth / jaw.
I wonder if this unwonted (and most unlike me) concern for my health - teeth, smoking (just rolled my last two fags), diet (cod liver oil et al), sobriety, sleep - is ironically inspired by an unconscious conviction / knowledge of my imminent demise from something entirely unrelated to any of these - being wiped off the road on my bicycle for example. No matter. I might as well try healthy and happy for whatever time is left to me, just to see what that feels like.
I seem to be quite uninhibited about spending money. I thought today (I cycled past a sign for a concert that looked fun) how I'm happy to consider spending money to go to see a band, where before when drinking, anything like that came with the thought a) can I drink? Is it in a pub? Can I smuggle in a half bottle of whisky? b) why waste the £12 on a ticket, when I could use it to buy drink and stay at home? Ditto cinema - why not spend the ticket price on booze, and watch a film (any film) on my telly, in the comfort of my own home, alone? And actually any kind of spending that wasn't on booze - don't buy good food, or anything else that I cannot drink. So maybe now I am satisfying my suppressed urge for all sorts of things (a good kitchen knife, an indoor plant) where before I was diverting all my limited spending power to alcohol. I've already bought 3 or 4 Christmas presents - nothing extravagant or outrageous, where before I never bought anything until Christmas Eve at the earliest, if then, and if I did buy something, it was invariably alcohol (something expensive that I wouldn't waste on myself, but which I got a certain vicarious pleasure from imagining the recipient drinking). Weird. Mad.
My new mouse (Laura got it free from Framlingham College for me) is great. I may not need a new laptop after all.
The nicotinell lozenges come with a safety leaflet two pages long, of dense small print. Funny we don't get that with every pack of tobacco (how to use this product, side effects, what to do if it makes you feel ill, how long to use it for, not suitable for children . . . ). Apparently all smokers need are pornographic pictures of body organs going horribly wrong, or limp penises, and idiotic, mindless declamatory statements such as "smoking kills". Perhaps new born babies should all be given a 2 page leaflet explaining the dangers of life, and that it may be fatal, and not as much fun as advertised on the pack.
Last fag for 7 days at 6pm. Nice hot bath, first lozenge, cooked my last HelloFresh meal - crispy skin chicken and noodles in an Asian style pesto. Trump's life story on the telly.
Smoking is definitely about rewards. I think it's a treat, even though it isn't really. But I pace myself through my day by looking forward to my next fag. The nicotine lozenges are quite nice. Well, minty anyway. Burn a bit if you don't move them around.
That twitchiness / desperation last night. Throwing back cranberry & tonic like it was neat scotch, smoking so hard the fag end looked like a red hot poker, mouthwash, coffee. Abusing these things, just like I abuse alcohol - only they don't really work. So what's the best response? It's definitely not willpower. Meditation? yoga? food? sleep's impossible (I assume). Distraction - telly, a book, a game. exercise. writing (almost anything, including this).
Strange sad feeling looking at the half full waning moon gazing down on Southwold (not really, gazing at the sun, like a lover / worshipper). Wanted to write a poem. Always associated the moon with Pol, don't now, strangely. Still makes me feel sad, or exhilarated - something anyway.
Day 0 no smoking (for 7 days) . Day 8 is also Day 42 - 17 November. Spooky.
Nice chat with A about siblings and father / son relationships. J arrives Sat week. Write to my estranged brother.
Bought a Canna lily at the florist for £3 and a super sharp knife from the kitchen shop and cod liver oil from the pharmacy.
Lucy (check) the dentist did a very thorough job on me - three X rays and lots of teeth tapping and gum probing. She's referring me to hospital for further tests. Doesn't think it's an infection. Neither do I. Bought more aspirin. Ibuprofen and paracetomol seem useless. Practically ODed on them last night but they had no effect on my teeth / jaw.
I wonder if this unwonted (and most unlike me) concern for my health - teeth, smoking (just rolled my last two fags), diet (cod liver oil et al), sobriety, sleep - is ironically inspired by an unconscious conviction / knowledge of my imminent demise from something entirely unrelated to any of these - being wiped off the road on my bicycle for example. No matter. I might as well try healthy and happy for whatever time is left to me, just to see what that feels like.
I seem to be quite uninhibited about spending money. I thought today (I cycled past a sign for a concert that looked fun) how I'm happy to consider spending money to go to see a band, where before when drinking, anything like that came with the thought a) can I drink? Is it in a pub? Can I smuggle in a half bottle of whisky? b) why waste the £12 on a ticket, when I could use it to buy drink and stay at home? Ditto cinema - why not spend the ticket price on booze, and watch a film (any film) on my telly, in the comfort of my own home, alone? And actually any kind of spending that wasn't on booze - don't buy good food, or anything else that I cannot drink. So maybe now I am satisfying my suppressed urge for all sorts of things (a good kitchen knife, an indoor plant) where before I was diverting all my limited spending power to alcohol. I've already bought 3 or 4 Christmas presents - nothing extravagant or outrageous, where before I never bought anything until Christmas Eve at the earliest, if then, and if I did buy something, it was invariably alcohol (something expensive that I wouldn't waste on myself, but which I got a certain vicarious pleasure from imagining the recipient drinking). Weird. Mad.
My new mouse (Laura got it free from Framlingham College for me) is great. I may not need a new laptop after all.
The nicotinell lozenges come with a safety leaflet two pages long, of dense small print. Funny we don't get that with every pack of tobacco (how to use this product, side effects, what to do if it makes you feel ill, how long to use it for, not suitable for children . . . ). Apparently all smokers need are pornographic pictures of body organs going horribly wrong, or limp penises, and idiotic, mindless declamatory statements such as "smoking kills". Perhaps new born babies should all be given a 2 page leaflet explaining the dangers of life, and that it may be fatal, and not as much fun as advertised on the pack.
Last fag for 7 days at 6pm. Nice hot bath, first lozenge, cooked my last HelloFresh meal - crispy skin chicken and noodles in an Asian style pesto. Trump's life story on the telly.
Smoking is definitely about rewards. I think it's a treat, even though it isn't really. But I pace myself through my day by looking forward to my next fag. The nicotine lozenges are quite nice. Well, minty anyway. Burn a bit if you don't move them around.
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