A good night's sleep. Slightly broke my new "rule" - as in screens off at 10pm - blogging about want and will power. Woke at 5.30. Had some dreams, so presumably my brain has had some sort of "powerwash".
On thing that's bothering me, is that this all seems a bit too easy, a bit too much like fun. I'm not complaining, just wondering how I'll cope when / if things stop being fun, for whatever reasons. ("Events, dear boy, events" H Macmillan I think).
I think my post yesterday about "want power" as opposed to "will power" has quite a lot to do with it. In a sense I worked my way through quite a lot of the pain and misery before Day 1 (over several years / months). The good thing about that is that I'm associating pain, misery and depression and a lot of other negative stuff, with drinking. I'm not experiencing physical unpleasantness now, or depression, or shame, and I associate that (quite rightly) with being sober. The trouble with will powered sobriety, is precisely the reverse equation can apply. Before, I loved drinking (and only stopped for theoretical or exogenous reasons - she'll leave me, I'll lose my job, I'll die) and after I hated not drinking and felt deprived, and wanted to be "normal".
One thing in my corner is that I don't think I ever drank to cheer myself up. Usually it was to cure boredom, or apathy, or frustration. Often it was an act of revenge against my partner - she's upset me, I'm too much of a coward to deal with that, so I'll upset her by drinking. How fucking pathetic was that? So I don't automatically see drink as a solution to misery, or problems (except as a way of hiding from them or running away).
And I don't think I'm in some sort of "pink cloud", a temporary emotional high. It's just unusual for me to feel so well and happy for so long. Eating, sleeping and exercising properly helps, as does meditation. I wonder if I'll stop "wanting" to smoke.
Having a last go at Zoosk, the dating site, before I cancel my sub. One person I'd like to meet. No one else smokes. They all want to meet for a drink.
New morning regime - meditate NOW (8am) as opposed to in five hours' time. Did it.
A date on Zoosk, next Wednesday, somewhere between here and Thorpe Abbots (north of Eye).
A productive day. Worked all morning on Metanoia. Kipper (oily fish for my Alzheimers) for lunch. Watched the last episode of The Last Post after lunch, very good. Erected my tent. Cut out a template for my table top (hexagonal). Photographed my new 3rd home:
2nd home (i.e. crack den) behind, 1st home slightly out of shot up and to the right. May sleep in it (the tent) tonight. Nice realistic drizzle falling. Can always retreat to my warm soft bed if it goes pear shaped. Took about ten minutes to rig, packs into a tiny bag and weighs about a kilogram. And I got it for half price (no one wants to camp in November).
A bit of a scratchy meditate this pm. I think I'm quite tired - I did only have 5 hours sleep.
Cooking my first HelloFresh meal tonight - kedgeree. Very convenient having all the ingredients to hand. Rather mean looking portion of basmati. In the event there was more than enough (enough for two small people). As always, I was slightly heavy handed with the sea salt (it's quite hard to judge quantities with sea salt crystals). I felt they missed a trick with the stock - I always use the fish stock produced by poaching the haddock to make the stock in which to cook the rice; they just throw it away - and I would rate the Blessed Delia's version above this one. But it was very nice and it was rather fun cooking by numbers; bit like making an Airfix model aeroplane. Instructions very clear, and the only item I had to supply was some oil to soften the onions.The other two menus (a bacon risotto and chicken with noodles) are completely new to me so they'll be interesting. Have to eat them tonight and tomorrow before HelloFresh becomes HelloRotten.
On thing that's bothering me, is that this all seems a bit too easy, a bit too much like fun. I'm not complaining, just wondering how I'll cope when / if things stop being fun, for whatever reasons. ("Events, dear boy, events" H Macmillan I think).
I think my post yesterday about "want power" as opposed to "will power" has quite a lot to do with it. In a sense I worked my way through quite a lot of the pain and misery before Day 1 (over several years / months). The good thing about that is that I'm associating pain, misery and depression and a lot of other negative stuff, with drinking. I'm not experiencing physical unpleasantness now, or depression, or shame, and I associate that (quite rightly) with being sober. The trouble with will powered sobriety, is precisely the reverse equation can apply. Before, I loved drinking (and only stopped for theoretical or exogenous reasons - she'll leave me, I'll lose my job, I'll die) and after I hated not drinking and felt deprived, and wanted to be "normal".
One thing in my corner is that I don't think I ever drank to cheer myself up. Usually it was to cure boredom, or apathy, or frustration. Often it was an act of revenge against my partner - she's upset me, I'm too much of a coward to deal with that, so I'll upset her by drinking. How fucking pathetic was that? So I don't automatically see drink as a solution to misery, or problems (except as a way of hiding from them or running away).
And I don't think I'm in some sort of "pink cloud", a temporary emotional high. It's just unusual for me to feel so well and happy for so long. Eating, sleeping and exercising properly helps, as does meditation. I wonder if I'll stop "wanting" to smoke.
Having a last go at Zoosk, the dating site, before I cancel my sub. One person I'd like to meet. No one else smokes. They all want to meet for a drink.
New morning regime - meditate NOW (8am) as opposed to in five hours' time. Did it.
A date on Zoosk, next Wednesday, somewhere between here and Thorpe Abbots (north of Eye).
A productive day. Worked all morning on Metanoia. Kipper (oily fish for my Alzheimers) for lunch. Watched the last episode of The Last Post after lunch, very good. Erected my tent. Cut out a template for my table top (hexagonal). Photographed my new 3rd home:
A bit of a scratchy meditate this pm. I think I'm quite tired - I did only have 5 hours sleep.
Cooking my first HelloFresh meal tonight - kedgeree. Very convenient having all the ingredients to hand. Rather mean looking portion of basmati. In the event there was more than enough (enough for two small people). As always, I was slightly heavy handed with the sea salt (it's quite hard to judge quantities with sea salt crystals). I felt they missed a trick with the stock - I always use the fish stock produced by poaching the haddock to make the stock in which to cook the rice; they just throw it away - and I would rate the Blessed Delia's version above this one. But it was very nice and it was rather fun cooking by numbers; bit like making an Airfix model aeroplane. Instructions very clear, and the only item I had to supply was some oil to soften the onions.The other two menus (a bacon risotto and chicken with noodles) are completely new to me so they'll be interesting. Have to eat them tonight and tomorrow before HelloFresh becomes HelloRotten.
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