on the use and abuse of everything
alcohol
the internet and this Chromebook
my body
others
food
time
it's guy fawkes, so after 3 cold, clear, windless nights, it's now raining
not going to Walaa's Hallowe'en party. Shame not see Penge once in my life
taking pills for pain (2 aspririn for my cancerous mandible). Ring the doctor instead and make an appointment. Very sore - think it must be an infection in my right ear that's affecting the right jaw joint.
not making progress with Metanoia - just indulging myself by reading ahead, instead of slowly and steadily correcting it
the truly appalling pizza Texas BBQ chicken. at least it didn't have pineapple on it. and it was burnt.
another chaotic and silly bedtime (and I was so tired). Turn it all off - lights, radio, telly,internet. read.
the second chicken lives. if the first is Jesus, who's his brother? Andrew says he's going to shoot them with his air rifle. Feel like kidnapping them and releasing them in the woods. Give them a fighting chance. They sleep outside my window every night, perched on Andrew's quad bike, and no fox has got them yet.
B says no need to anonymise her here. She clearly hasn't read some parts. She wants me to publicise her good work (which I am happy and glad to do) but is perhaps less keen on me saying what I feel when it's not so flattering.
doubts about this blog, sharing and opening my knicker draw. Eventually I'll say something to upset everyone. If this is not simply self indulgence, what is it good for?
me
accountability
a record
it has to be honest, immediate. Like my anger and paranoia and silliness on Thursday, and complete change on Friday. Swinging around, up and down, like a yo yo. the narrative in my head sort of straightens out the kinks, but this day by day account shows how erratic and unreliable that narrative and my moment to moment feelings are. Alcohol did actually flatten out the kinks (a bit like a steamroller does) and allowed me to hide from the day to day loonieness of life and my reaction to it.
encouragement / help for others (really?)
B keeps sharing horrible (and presumably true life) nightmares. The girl who couldn't stay stopped and died of hypothermia. The constant and repeating Day ones. And here am I sailing along, seemingly without a care, everything hunky dory, no real effort required, all falling into place and into my lap - how can that help anyone? They help me, by frightening me, and reminding me this could all go horribly wrong in an instant. They're like messages from my past - "it may be great now, today, but it wasn't that long ago that you were going through shit like this and worse - however good and easy it feels right now, don't drop your guard, don't think you can get away with it, or stop making the daily effort to do as many of the right things in the right way as you can manage. Aim for perfection, all the time."
last night / this morning is a warning. How I can fuck up, just by not thinking clearly. I was very tired, but instead a solid good night's rest I feel like I've been out partying (I don't actually, I feel rather good, more so since starting to write this, but I suspect I'll have a less good day than I might have had. On the other hand, what the fuck do I know? It could be great). Another elephant trap - feeling great, having a lovely time, being lured on to the point where I've forgotten the aim, what I'm trying to do, and pick up a drink, or go on a bender. Not going to Walaa's (even more so if I felt really up for it) is a good move. Moderation in all things.
Last thoughts on Robert McCrum and Every Third Thought. not exceptional, but unique (The Daily Evolver). the self and the world really are an illusion - we only exists in our totality within our individual heads. Read CS Lewis's A Grief Observed. Much more intelligent about god and death and grief than I realised.
On not being able to concentrate, stay focused - reading a book, listening to a podcast - trying to play freecell or reversi at the same time. why meditation is good, absorption in projects. The problem with electronic media - it invites multi-tasking (so totally not). Unlike cycling or walking.
Jeff Salzman - Happiness is other people. It isn't just found within (as I have for so long thought).
Alcohol abuse is essentially anti-social - not just because I can be a pain and a bore, but because it turns me in, away from others. Being sober, I am also being social, engaged, relating to others, enjoying others. And all the other things I can abuse, and in so doing, like excessive introspection - the abuse of meditation - turn me away from others.
Do one thing at a time. Listen to Jeff. Have a thought, or reaction / response. Pause Jeff, and write down my thought. Then resume. Why meditation is such a relief. For a half hour, just do one simple thing. Or walking. Or helping with the play. Or reading a book. I don't read a book and try and write this blog and make a phone call all at once. Fuck multi-tasking, it just drives you insane. Why drinking can be attractive. I'm so smashed, I have difficulty doing anything, never mind more than one thing. Consciously decide, in every moment, what I am now doing, and do it. Then stop, and do something else. I wouldn't try and paint a picture and watch telly at the same time. But this silly machine with its multiple tabs and apps offers the fantasy of doing it all at once, so I just explode. I get no satisfaction from anything, don't really do anything, finish anything. Just exhaustion and frustration. Funny how tempting it all is though. Throw away the Chrome? Interesting that when the iPad first came out, it did not allow you to do this - it would only do one thing at a time. Stop now, and listen to Jeff again.
The Art of Being Unique But Not Special (25:20) - Jeff Salzmann "In this episode I took a look at a paradoxical move in vertical development: where we embrace our own radical uniqueness and express it in relation to other beings who are also utterly unique. It’s a new and more vivid integration of the individual and collective realms of reality, and out of it emerges a possibility for a more fruitful, happy and fulfilling life."
But this machine keeps sucking me in, even one thing at a time. Linked In, old emails to Mark, an Economist article about an asteroid from outside the solar system (how do they know that?). Curiosity and my butterfly mind, and each new distraction makes me feel less happy, less in the flow . . . and so it goes.
It's partly my constant search for clues, answers, and sometimes it does lead me to strange and wonderful and useful places. Mostly to frustration, boredom, and eventually to drink.
Long letter to Mark. He's replied warmly. William is alive and well. He said, one day at a time. He's been sober for 21 years, but today he's been sober for 10 hours, since he woke up.
Fireworks with the Parsons Manns in Kelsale. Tempted by the beer tent. No LA/NA beers. Had a coke - horrible! Fireworks were great. I took some video with my silly phone. Esmé ran round in circles all the time and ate two burgers.
My tent has arrived. Go on my expedition to Tunstall Forest. No phone, no laptop. Just my notebook and pen. Laura will lend me a little gas stove.
Bought presents for Flost and Ingrid.
Thought about stopping off at The White Horse on the way home, to see what no alcohol beers Maz and Mark have, if any. Decided on a quiet night in.
The strange story of the visiting asteroid that entered the solar system at a million kms a day, went round the sun, and left at nearly 2 million kms a day. I thought of Clarke's Rendezvous with Rama. What are the odds that a 400 metre wide rock would enter the solar system, then catapult round the sun and accelerate away, and where was it headed? Another sun, another acceleration, and so on, to where?
Feel a bit low tonight. The sad story of Walter Tull, the first black footballer and first black commissioned officer (1917, died March 1918) who should have got the MC but didn't because he was not of pure European descent. Disgusting.
Another lovely moon.
alcohol
the internet and this Chromebook
my body
others
food
time
it's guy fawkes, so after 3 cold, clear, windless nights, it's now raining
not going to Walaa's Hallowe'en party. Shame not see Penge once in my life
taking pills for pain (2 aspririn for my cancerous mandible). Ring the doctor instead and make an appointment. Very sore - think it must be an infection in my right ear that's affecting the right jaw joint.
not making progress with Metanoia - just indulging myself by reading ahead, instead of slowly and steadily correcting it
the truly appalling pizza Texas BBQ chicken. at least it didn't have pineapple on it. and it was burnt.
another chaotic and silly bedtime (and I was so tired). Turn it all off - lights, radio, telly,internet. read.
the second chicken lives. if the first is Jesus, who's his brother? Andrew says he's going to shoot them with his air rifle. Feel like kidnapping them and releasing them in the woods. Give them a fighting chance. They sleep outside my window every night, perched on Andrew's quad bike, and no fox has got them yet.
B says no need to anonymise her here. She clearly hasn't read some parts. She wants me to publicise her good work (which I am happy and glad to do) but is perhaps less keen on me saying what I feel when it's not so flattering.
doubts about this blog, sharing and opening my knicker draw. Eventually I'll say something to upset everyone. If this is not simply self indulgence, what is it good for?
me
accountability
a record
it has to be honest, immediate. Like my anger and paranoia and silliness on Thursday, and complete change on Friday. Swinging around, up and down, like a yo yo. the narrative in my head sort of straightens out the kinks, but this day by day account shows how erratic and unreliable that narrative and my moment to moment feelings are. Alcohol did actually flatten out the kinks (a bit like a steamroller does) and allowed me to hide from the day to day loonieness of life and my reaction to it.
encouragement / help for others (really?)
B keeps sharing horrible (and presumably true life) nightmares. The girl who couldn't stay stopped and died of hypothermia. The constant and repeating Day ones. And here am I sailing along, seemingly without a care, everything hunky dory, no real effort required, all falling into place and into my lap - how can that help anyone? They help me, by frightening me, and reminding me this could all go horribly wrong in an instant. They're like messages from my past - "it may be great now, today, but it wasn't that long ago that you were going through shit like this and worse - however good and easy it feels right now, don't drop your guard, don't think you can get away with it, or stop making the daily effort to do as many of the right things in the right way as you can manage. Aim for perfection, all the time."
last night / this morning is a warning. How I can fuck up, just by not thinking clearly. I was very tired, but instead a solid good night's rest I feel like I've been out partying (I don't actually, I feel rather good, more so since starting to write this, but I suspect I'll have a less good day than I might have had. On the other hand, what the fuck do I know? It could be great). Another elephant trap - feeling great, having a lovely time, being lured on to the point where I've forgotten the aim, what I'm trying to do, and pick up a drink, or go on a bender. Not going to Walaa's (even more so if I felt really up for it) is a good move. Moderation in all things.
Last thoughts on Robert McCrum and Every Third Thought. not exceptional, but unique (The Daily Evolver). the self and the world really are an illusion - we only exists in our totality within our individual heads. Read CS Lewis's A Grief Observed. Much more intelligent about god and death and grief than I realised.
On not being able to concentrate, stay focused - reading a book, listening to a podcast - trying to play freecell or reversi at the same time. why meditation is good, absorption in projects. The problem with electronic media - it invites multi-tasking (so totally not). Unlike cycling or walking.
Jeff Salzman - Happiness is other people. It isn't just found within (as I have for so long thought).
Alcohol abuse is essentially anti-social - not just because I can be a pain and a bore, but because it turns me in, away from others. Being sober, I am also being social, engaged, relating to others, enjoying others. And all the other things I can abuse, and in so doing, like excessive introspection - the abuse of meditation - turn me away from others.
Do one thing at a time. Listen to Jeff. Have a thought, or reaction / response. Pause Jeff, and write down my thought. Then resume. Why meditation is such a relief. For a half hour, just do one simple thing. Or walking. Or helping with the play. Or reading a book. I don't read a book and try and write this blog and make a phone call all at once. Fuck multi-tasking, it just drives you insane. Why drinking can be attractive. I'm so smashed, I have difficulty doing anything, never mind more than one thing. Consciously decide, in every moment, what I am now doing, and do it. Then stop, and do something else. I wouldn't try and paint a picture and watch telly at the same time. But this silly machine with its multiple tabs and apps offers the fantasy of doing it all at once, so I just explode. I get no satisfaction from anything, don't really do anything, finish anything. Just exhaustion and frustration. Funny how tempting it all is though. Throw away the Chrome? Interesting that when the iPad first came out, it did not allow you to do this - it would only do one thing at a time. Stop now, and listen to Jeff again.
The Art of Being Unique But Not Special (25:20) - Jeff Salzmann "In this episode I took a look at a paradoxical move in vertical development: where we embrace our own radical uniqueness and express it in relation to other beings who are also utterly unique. It’s a new and more vivid integration of the individual and collective realms of reality, and out of it emerges a possibility for a more fruitful, happy and fulfilling life."
But this machine keeps sucking me in, even one thing at a time. Linked In, old emails to Mark, an Economist article about an asteroid from outside the solar system (how do they know that?). Curiosity and my butterfly mind, and each new distraction makes me feel less happy, less in the flow . . . and so it goes.
It's partly my constant search for clues, answers, and sometimes it does lead me to strange and wonderful and useful places. Mostly to frustration, boredom, and eventually to drink.
Long letter to Mark. He's replied warmly. William is alive and well. He said, one day at a time. He's been sober for 21 years, but today he's been sober for 10 hours, since he woke up.
Fireworks with the Parsons Manns in Kelsale. Tempted by the beer tent. No LA/NA beers. Had a coke - horrible! Fireworks were great. I took some video with my silly phone. Esmé ran round in circles all the time and ate two burgers.
My tent has arrived. Go on my expedition to Tunstall Forest. No phone, no laptop. Just my notebook and pen. Laura will lend me a little gas stove.
Bought presents for Flost and Ingrid.
Thought about stopping off at The White Horse on the way home, to see what no alcohol beers Maz and Mark have, if any. Decided on a quiet night in.
The strange story of the visiting asteroid that entered the solar system at a million kms a day, went round the sun, and left at nearly 2 million kms a day. I thought of Clarke's Rendezvous with Rama. What are the odds that a 400 metre wide rock would enter the solar system, then catapult round the sun and accelerate away, and where was it headed? Another sun, another acceleration, and so on, to where?
Feel a bit low tonight. The sad story of Walter Tull, the first black footballer and first black commissioned officer (1917, died March 1918) who should have got the MC but didn't because he was not of pure European descent. Disgusting.
Another lovely moon.
Very poignant one, but a lesson to all. Important stuff about not multitasking. Thanks
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