Woke at 6am, bloated (ate too much) and fuzzy headed (Johnny's dope) and as ever, a bit down. A funny contrast - since Day 1 I wake up each morning feeling a bit crap, not well rested, empty, frightened of the day ahead (how to fill it, what to do). And then I just start feeling better and better (almost too much so, too much energy, too speedy). When I was drinking, first thing, lying in bed, I generally felt pretty good (I had survived the night?) and then started to feel, physically at least, progressively worse, and if drink was to hand, I'd invariably drink it, "to take the edge off" or something equally fatuous.
Went to the CoOp at 7am to get tobacco and aspirin and more tonic. Handed out a few more invites. Said good morning to Chris Waldron. Invited Keelan and Helen.
I've started reading Christos' recommednation - "The Blade Itself" by Joe Abercrombie. Well written (does Christo read it in translation, or in English?). Haven't really got into it yet.
Writing up my things to do today. Visit the White Horse. Invites to Sal and Gosia. Realise I'm almost filling up the day with things to do, so I don't have to make a start on Metanoia. Add it to the list.
Go to St Michaels or mass tomorrow before setting off for Pol's. Invited her too.
Comment on B's latest instalment:
"I liked your comment earlier about starting to write. a) gentle (emphasis) external pressure and b) be different. Seemed very appropriate to my starting and sustaining sobriety (Day 8, don't laugh, haven't been here in years). Before, I tried no pressure - that definitely doesn't work. I tried AA, 4 times. That worked less and less well each time, and when I fell off, each time I fell deeper, harder, faster than before. The reverse of progress, however slow. I tried family, friends, partners. Too complicated, painful, at this stage anyway. After 100 days, maybe. For now, for them, I'm just having a sober October. So here looks like a good place, so when I'm a bit more confident, I shall sign up to one of your plans.
Different is important. The first time I went to AA (2005?) I walked straight into a pink cloud. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven, that I was saved, and the only way was up and everything would turn out happy ever after. I stayed sober for 6 weeks, it was lovely, and really easy. It was equally easy to sit outside in the sun after a hard day at work and have a couple of beers with my mates. And immediately, get knocked off my motorbike on the way home (not my fault, I later got £1,000s in compensation). Massive sign, which I of course ignored.
The point is (about different) is I keep looking for a "package", an off the shelf solution, a quick fix. But I am me, I have a history, personality, experiences - packages don't fit, and there is no quick fix. And until I really let go (of ever drinking again, defining myself as someone who likes a drink, defining any pleasurable experience as only so, because it comes with a drink) nothing will or can work. So first I let go of giving up the booze, fighting it, controlling it, just let it rip. And now, I think / hope, I am truly letting go of booze, one day, week, month, at a time. Thanks for being here."
Work and "rewards". I first realised this when I gave up fags. That mostly fags were a reward for work. When I gave them up, I was constantly looking for my "reward" for whatever work I'd just done. Ditto booze. And the most pernicious effect of this way of thinking is that practically everything turns into work. You just stop caring about things or activities in themselves. Stop caring about people. There's no point giving up alcohol, or fags, or drugs, if I don't give up this foolish idea. Stopping at the CoOp was definitely the right thing to do - I was completely on the work for "rewards" (i.e. booze) treadmill, with recovery and nothing else at weekends. Mindfulness and meditation definitely help. Writing this helps. Cranberry and tonic water cocktails help. Belle's website helps. Would AA? Maybe go next week / sometime (Thursdays 7.30pm URC).
It's nice to be getting out more, and not suffering for it. It's fun organising my party. Very good meeting today with Paul, the landlord, about food and music and the bar bill (set limit beforehand when we know the numbers). Looking forward to church tomorrow (maybe) and going down to Pol's. Bring all my juices and tonic with me. Just having a sober October.
Dug out a standard lamp from the garden shed. Not ours, from Longs Farmhouse, but it will do. Steak and fried potatoes and spinach for supper, and several spliffs. Meditated. Feeling a bit glum - an empty evening ahead, it's only 8.20, too early for bed, and Netflix isn't working. A rather grim post from Belle about a girl who tries and fails and tries again, and fails, and dies a few days later from hypothermia.
How to be kind to myself. Early bed and my new book. A bath. Another one?
Went to the CoOp at 7am to get tobacco and aspirin and more tonic. Handed out a few more invites. Said good morning to Chris Waldron. Invited Keelan and Helen.
I've started reading Christos' recommednation - "The Blade Itself" by Joe Abercrombie. Well written (does Christo read it in translation, or in English?). Haven't really got into it yet.
Writing up my things to do today. Visit the White Horse. Invites to Sal and Gosia. Realise I'm almost filling up the day with things to do, so I don't have to make a start on Metanoia. Add it to the list.
Go to St Michaels or mass tomorrow before setting off for Pol's. Invited her too.
Comment on B's latest instalment:
"I liked your comment earlier about starting to write. a) gentle (emphasis) external pressure and b) be different. Seemed very appropriate to my starting and sustaining sobriety (Day 8, don't laugh, haven't been here in years). Before, I tried no pressure - that definitely doesn't work. I tried AA, 4 times. That worked less and less well each time, and when I fell off, each time I fell deeper, harder, faster than before. The reverse of progress, however slow. I tried family, friends, partners. Too complicated, painful, at this stage anyway. After 100 days, maybe. For now, for them, I'm just having a sober October. So here looks like a good place, so when I'm a bit more confident, I shall sign up to one of your plans.
Different is important. The first time I went to AA (2005?) I walked straight into a pink cloud. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven, that I was saved, and the only way was up and everything would turn out happy ever after. I stayed sober for 6 weeks, it was lovely, and really easy. It was equally easy to sit outside in the sun after a hard day at work and have a couple of beers with my mates. And immediately, get knocked off my motorbike on the way home (not my fault, I later got £1,000s in compensation). Massive sign, which I of course ignored.
The point is (about different) is I keep looking for a "package", an off the shelf solution, a quick fix. But I am me, I have a history, personality, experiences - packages don't fit, and there is no quick fix. And until I really let go (of ever drinking again, defining myself as someone who likes a drink, defining any pleasurable experience as only so, because it comes with a drink) nothing will or can work. So first I let go of giving up the booze, fighting it, controlling it, just let it rip. And now, I think / hope, I am truly letting go of booze, one day, week, month, at a time. Thanks for being here."
Work and "rewards". I first realised this when I gave up fags. That mostly fags were a reward for work. When I gave them up, I was constantly looking for my "reward" for whatever work I'd just done. Ditto booze. And the most pernicious effect of this way of thinking is that practically everything turns into work. You just stop caring about things or activities in themselves. Stop caring about people. There's no point giving up alcohol, or fags, or drugs, if I don't give up this foolish idea. Stopping at the CoOp was definitely the right thing to do - I was completely on the work for "rewards" (i.e. booze) treadmill, with recovery and nothing else at weekends. Mindfulness and meditation definitely help. Writing this helps. Cranberry and tonic water cocktails help. Belle's website helps. Would AA? Maybe go next week / sometime (Thursdays 7.30pm URC).
It's nice to be getting out more, and not suffering for it. It's fun organising my party. Very good meeting today with Paul, the landlord, about food and music and the bar bill (set limit beforehand when we know the numbers). Looking forward to church tomorrow (maybe) and going down to Pol's. Bring all my juices and tonic with me. Just having a sober October.
Dug out a standard lamp from the garden shed. Not ours, from Longs Farmhouse, but it will do. Steak and fried potatoes and spinach for supper, and several spliffs. Meditated. Feeling a bit glum - an empty evening ahead, it's only 8.20, too early for bed, and Netflix isn't working. A rather grim post from Belle about a girl who tries and fails and tries again, and fails, and dies a few days later from hypothermia.
How to be kind to myself. Early bed and my new book. A bath. Another one?
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