Woke at 7 feeling crap - might as well have a hangover. Didn't go to sleep til 1am and then wakeful with a nasty cough (not phlegmy which is nice, but very scratchy. Could I give up smoking as well? Or at least have a rule - fag breaks at 11am and 2pm, like work. Panicky because I'm late (for what? - I have all day to get to Johnny and Ingrid's).
Have got half way through B's first part. Wasn't sure at first but really got into it last night.
Thought on the loo just now, what if I had done this two months ago. Gone sober, kept my job,made my room and crack den nice and neat and tidy (cleaned my sink yesterday, properly, for the first time I think). Don't look back. So maybe I will only be here for a little while. Stay focused on sobriety.
Thought about the car freewheeling down the hill, gathering momentum. Don't feel I'm going very fast right now, and what might fuck it up. Getting distracted, looking off to the side or in the rear view mirror and running off the road. Applying the brakes (smoking weed?). Getting cocky / complacent. Taking unnecessary risks.
I'm not even clear headed this morning. Write lists. Sort my desk before I leave today.
Distraction comes at all levels - from the small (spending hours yesterday trying to remember my passwords i.e. avoiding cycling to Sax) to much larger - worrying about the future, or regretting the past, neither of which I can change. I think the low level, lack of focus, type is more pernicious. Sets up that cycle of self loathing or frustration, then getting to the end of the day, having played freecell all day and done nothing I planned, or constructive, wanting oblivion. Which is why smoking weed even if at the end and after meditation, is not an answer. Make myself get up and go for a ride (and then play freecell if I must).
What is nice is that I am still capable and doing things in the evening. I do need to sort out my evening routine - turn everything off by ten, and read, seems a good plan. Or write this.
B's book. Very good. But would anyone but an alkie get it, or even want to read it? I like her heroine (Rayna). I suppose getting sacked from the CoOp was the bottom of the heap for me. I held it down for 3 years (too long?) - but it got me here. Let's hope I can keep on rolling through 7 and 30 and whatever.
And I needed Naxos, to show me that booze fucks even heaven up, a way of carrying my own personal hell around with me.
Bit nervous about my party - do I really ask the CoOpers to come? Jim and Chrissy definitely. Keelan. Patrick. Carl and Aiden. Amy? Helen. Wendy? Andrew and Chris and Matt. Jamie? Gosha?
Finished B's 1st 20 instalments. Where / when is the next batch? Really good. Ends where I was almost exactly a month ago. I was thinking I wasn't as bad (peeing in the snow, hanging a dead rat off the balcony, stripping paint off the front). But actually it was every bit as bad, just different. Resigning was a way of avoiding admitting I'm an alcoholic and being sent off for treatment. Not wanting to be accountable (to the CoOp, anyway). Was this way better?
The trouble is, after a few days sober, I feel so much better, confident (organising my own birthday party for fuck's sake), not an alkie. I then just start pretending. How to stop that? And the stupid ego trip of thinking I can be a normal drinker.
Meditate. Breakfast. Put wash on (sheets and pillows - very grubby). Cycle to Fram to collect car and bring all my gear back and hang up my washing. And say goodbye to Johnny & Ingrid (off to Edinburgh for a day's shooting).
At J & I's. Left weed at the Farm. Probably for the best - stoned with all this booze around possibly not a good idea. Asked most people at the CoOp I wanted to come to my party. Matt particularly pleased and definite he'll come, which is nice. A chance to apologise to him and to thank him.
Meditated. Bath. Supper (sausages, baked potato, leeks - ate too much i.e. all of it). Made a new cocktail - nice glass (important), ice, slice of lemon, 50/50 cranberry and tonic, bitters. Very nice. Could be a campari soda. Johnny's left his dope, so I had a couple of small spliffs. Early to bed.
Have got half way through B's first part. Wasn't sure at first but really got into it last night.
Thought on the loo just now, what if I had done this two months ago. Gone sober, kept my job,made my room and crack den nice and neat and tidy (cleaned my sink yesterday, properly, for the first time I think). Don't look back. So maybe I will only be here for a little while. Stay focused on sobriety.
Thought about the car freewheeling down the hill, gathering momentum. Don't feel I'm going very fast right now, and what might fuck it up. Getting distracted, looking off to the side or in the rear view mirror and running off the road. Applying the brakes (smoking weed?). Getting cocky / complacent. Taking unnecessary risks.
I'm not even clear headed this morning. Write lists. Sort my desk before I leave today.
Distraction comes at all levels - from the small (spending hours yesterday trying to remember my passwords i.e. avoiding cycling to Sax) to much larger - worrying about the future, or regretting the past, neither of which I can change. I think the low level, lack of focus, type is more pernicious. Sets up that cycle of self loathing or frustration, then getting to the end of the day, having played freecell all day and done nothing I planned, or constructive, wanting oblivion. Which is why smoking weed even if at the end and after meditation, is not an answer. Make myself get up and go for a ride (and then play freecell if I must).
What is nice is that I am still capable and doing things in the evening. I do need to sort out my evening routine - turn everything off by ten, and read, seems a good plan. Or write this.
B's book. Very good. But would anyone but an alkie get it, or even want to read it? I like her heroine (Rayna). I suppose getting sacked from the CoOp was the bottom of the heap for me. I held it down for 3 years (too long?) - but it got me here. Let's hope I can keep on rolling through 7 and 30 and whatever.
And I needed Naxos, to show me that booze fucks even heaven up, a way of carrying my own personal hell around with me.
Bit nervous about my party - do I really ask the CoOpers to come? Jim and Chrissy definitely. Keelan. Patrick. Carl and Aiden. Amy? Helen. Wendy? Andrew and Chris and Matt. Jamie? Gosha?
Finished B's 1st 20 instalments. Where / when is the next batch? Really good. Ends where I was almost exactly a month ago. I was thinking I wasn't as bad (peeing in the snow, hanging a dead rat off the balcony, stripping paint off the front). But actually it was every bit as bad, just different. Resigning was a way of avoiding admitting I'm an alcoholic and being sent off for treatment. Not wanting to be accountable (to the CoOp, anyway). Was this way better?
The trouble is, after a few days sober, I feel so much better, confident (organising my own birthday party for fuck's sake), not an alkie. I then just start pretending. How to stop that? And the stupid ego trip of thinking I can be a normal drinker.
Meditate. Breakfast. Put wash on (sheets and pillows - very grubby). Cycle to Fram to collect car and bring all my gear back and hang up my washing. And say goodbye to Johnny & Ingrid (off to Edinburgh for a day's shooting).
At J & I's. Left weed at the Farm. Probably for the best - stoned with all this booze around possibly not a good idea. Asked most people at the CoOp I wanted to come to my party. Matt particularly pleased and definite he'll come, which is nice. A chance to apologise to him and to thank him.
Meditated. Bath. Supper (sausages, baked potato, leeks - ate too much i.e. all of it). Made a new cocktail - nice glass (important), ice, slice of lemon, 50/50 cranberry and tonic, bitters. Very nice. Could be a campari soda. Johnny's left his dope, so I had a couple of small spliffs. Early to bed.
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