Stayed up too late watching Vietnam. Very moving and evocative (of the 60's and my youth, especially Malaya). Then read 7 Daughters of Eve. Quite nice to be able to read quite heavy going sciency stuff (and understand and remember it) at 1am.
Felt lonely, isolated, paranoid that my comments to totad seem to have been disappeared - they were awaiting moderation, but now there's no sign. That's drinking thinking I suspect. And may have something to do with the fact that I'm using the Chrome as guest, still hoping I'll remember what I set my password to last Thursday. Give it until tomorrow. Not sure that I'll have lost anything that really matters (downloads mostly). Paid some techy yesterday £22 to tell me there is no way to unlock my Chrome without the password, and Google won't tell me my old password, although they know what it is. More paranoia / persecution feelings (a bit).
Although sleep wasn't great, I feel more rested than I have since day 1. David is coming to play go today and I need to go into Fram this morning to buy stuff for lunch and something for him to drink, and to pay Chrissy. Also my daily exercise. Cycled 11 miles yesterday. Get an ordnance survey map and do some exploring.
Still not bored! And I think feeling a bit less twitchy.
Ingrid has our old standard lamp and a small table that she says I can have. Collect them at the weekend.
Feel a bit blank. The next few days will be a challenge. (Dogs at Johnny and Ingrid's, Pol Sun/Mon).
4pm. A lovely day. Read for a bit, then meditated for half an hour (timed). Dressed, breakfast (bowl of granola), cycled into Fram. Gave Sue back the rest of my uniform, did a big shop (2 beers for David, cranberry juice and tonic for me - excellent) picked up my weed from Chrissy, quick coffee and J&I's, cycled home. Cleaned up crack den, made lunch, lovely long call to Joe. Told him about totand. Had a spliff. Game of go (nearly thought of a beer or a glass of David's wine, but just got stuck into the cranberry & tonic). I lost but honourably. Delicious lunch. I fessed up the lot to David - clearly I want to tell people (i.e. about being sacked and my troubles with booze and trying to stay sober). Actually I talked far too much (or at any rate, a great deal, and mostly about myself, of course). I don't think David minded. He has the most terrific stammer. My theory that most of my "cock ups" in life, from being thrown out of Ampleforth to being sacked by the CoOp (or my two wives) were my subconscious engineering changes that "conscious" me would never make. Cf Felicity's comments about Scorpios' barnacle tendencies. Ditto being evicted by Anna Holmes on Corfu. Buying the caravan and escaping from Clive Tuley involved only slightly more agency - I'd bought the caravan before I'd even considered where I might park it. A bit like shooting off to Naxos in April 2013. No thought (i.e, prevarication, procrastination).
David having a kip. Lovely facebook chat about old stuff with Steve, Aden, Felicity, Sukie, Bobbins. Back down for another game of go. Gave David the second bottle of beer and made him take his undrunk wine away. Very glad I did, suspect I would have cracked later. Nearly did when he arrived (just a beer, just a glass of wine). Got quite stoned, which was nice, but I think I would prefer, on the whole, to stay both straight and sober.
Felt lonely, isolated, paranoid that my comments to totad seem to have been disappeared - they were awaiting moderation, but now there's no sign. That's drinking thinking I suspect. And may have something to do with the fact that I'm using the Chrome as guest, still hoping I'll remember what I set my password to last Thursday. Give it until tomorrow. Not sure that I'll have lost anything that really matters (downloads mostly). Paid some techy yesterday £22 to tell me there is no way to unlock my Chrome without the password, and Google won't tell me my old password, although they know what it is. More paranoia / persecution feelings (a bit).
Although sleep wasn't great, I feel more rested than I have since day 1. David is coming to play go today and I need to go into Fram this morning to buy stuff for lunch and something for him to drink, and to pay Chrissy. Also my daily exercise. Cycled 11 miles yesterday. Get an ordnance survey map and do some exploring.
Still not bored! And I think feeling a bit less twitchy.
Ingrid has our old standard lamp and a small table that she says I can have. Collect them at the weekend.
Feel a bit blank. The next few days will be a challenge. (Dogs at Johnny and Ingrid's, Pol Sun/Mon).
4pm. A lovely day. Read for a bit, then meditated for half an hour (timed). Dressed, breakfast (bowl of granola), cycled into Fram. Gave Sue back the rest of my uniform, did a big shop (2 beers for David, cranberry juice and tonic for me - excellent) picked up my weed from Chrissy, quick coffee and J&I's, cycled home. Cleaned up crack den, made lunch, lovely long call to Joe. Told him about totand. Had a spliff. Game of go (nearly thought of a beer or a glass of David's wine, but just got stuck into the cranberry & tonic). I lost but honourably. Delicious lunch. I fessed up the lot to David - clearly I want to tell people (i.e. about being sacked and my troubles with booze and trying to stay sober). Actually I talked far too much (or at any rate, a great deal, and mostly about myself, of course). I don't think David minded. He has the most terrific stammer. My theory that most of my "cock ups" in life, from being thrown out of Ampleforth to being sacked by the CoOp (or my two wives) were my subconscious engineering changes that "conscious" me would never make. Cf Felicity's comments about Scorpios' barnacle tendencies. Ditto being evicted by Anna Holmes on Corfu. Buying the caravan and escaping from Clive Tuley involved only slightly more agency - I'd bought the caravan before I'd even considered where I might park it. A bit like shooting off to Naxos in April 2013. No thought (i.e, prevarication, procrastination).
David having a kip. Lovely facebook chat about old stuff with Steve, Aden, Felicity, Sukie, Bobbins. Back down for another game of go. Gave David the second bottle of beer and made him take his undrunk wine away. Very glad I did, suspect I would have cracked later. Nearly did when he arrived (just a beer, just a glass of wine). Got quite stoned, which was nice, but I think I would prefer, on the whole, to stay both straight and sober.
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