Things to remember. Look forward. Let the little car gather momentum, round the 7 day corner, through the 30 day barrier and just keep on rolling.
Talking of rolling. B refers several times to smoking (not). I notice 2 things - it now being my only "pleasure" (not really, but ...) I'm doing it more intensely, desperately than before. And being straight and sober, I'm noticing more how not very pleasant it mostly is, so maybe she's right.
A better night. Woke once for a pee, and then awake just before 6. Be a good idea not to watch telly until midnight, browse the web, blog whatever. Turn it all off and read, or write with my pen, after 10, maybe.
This is about looking after myself, caring for myself. Try eating 3 meals a day. I bought some granola yesterday, and eggs, and juice. So breakfast sorted.
I woke up feeling a bit shit, then I start feeling excited. Another day, another challenge. I'm going for a pointless (as in no shopping) ride, somewhere today. Get my map, go somewhere I haven't been before.
So many things (well, maybe only half a dozen) yesterday seemed fresh and worthwhile, enjoyable in and for themselves. Talking to Felicity, fixing Diana's lampshade and my tail light, the whales and dolphins, making my room nice. Between feeling restless and antsy (which pretty much went as soon as I became aware of the feeling) feeling alive, aware, alert. Try meditating in the evening as well as the morning.
Explore B's blog. Where can I put this? I don't want to put it here, on my blog - no one follows me, and I don't think anyone looks at it anyway, which makes it kind of pointless. B says share and engage, but I don't want yet, if ever, to share this with those who know me, at least not for now. Should I make up a silly handle for myself as everyone else seems to do? If so, what.
Talk about "my higher power". Talk about "signs" - I haven't asked for one for a long time, maybe never, but they seem to have been raining down on me for weeks and months. As if the still small voice has gone from deep inside and is manifesting in the world. But funnily, in the same quiet, non-judegmental, non-bossy way : just, here's a message, a clue, a massive hint (as in not falling off Stuart's roof - thank you - but toppling over a vicious Greek fence, destroying my nice green pole shirt, and the scar, still there, as itchy as hell. I think my right earhole, which has been itchy and uncomfortable for months, is getting better. And I'm not coughing my lungs out (although I'm smoking more than ever - another downside of leaving the CoOp, I can smoke all day, I don't have to ride 10 miles to and from work, or spend all day on my feet). So alcohol fills my lungs with phlegm and gives me a more or less permanent uncomfortable if not distended stomach. Be nice to confide in Harriet - I do sort of want to share this with a flesh and blood human being, but not with Pol, or Felicity (yet), not at least until I feel a bit more secure.
The feeling that this, at last, really is the right time (after I've fucked up so much and upset so many). That I have the time, and the focus, and the support, when I sign the pledge - not much evidence of anything as yet from B, my first comment still awaiting moderation. And that all the things I've thought and learned and done in my life, meditation and mindfulness especially, give me a tool kit, the means to make it. And not being afraid to ask "my higher power" for help, because I think I really am ready to let go.
The glumness first thing is more I think looking into the hole, the abyss of the day ahead - no work to go to, what to do with myself, how to cope with boredom (I was so not bored yesterday - really the reverse, twitchy and restless, reaching for the anaesthetic). Staying calm and centred and relaxed is the real challenge for me I think. And I do hope the hole is the hole that alcohol dug. They say that being sober doesn't remove the problems that started me down the slope to dependency and addiction, and when / if I start to get sober, I'm a little frightened of what I'll have to face. But a) I can't see hwo it could be worse than some of the horrors of the last few years and b) I started drinking a long time ago, before meditation and when I was very young and unformed - that despite the drink, a part of me has been growing and maturing, so maybe what lies ahead is something I can deal with, or that aprt from staying sober, there is nothing to deal with.
Also slightly worried about "the pink cloud" (I experienced it first at that first AA meeting I went to at the Quaker Meeting House in Colchester - would it have carried on if I hadn't had those two pints and the motor cycle accident and gone back to drinking? That must have been my longest spell of sobriety, ever - a month? 6 weeks?). I'm sort of in it now, but frightened if I come out of it, I won't be able to hold on. That's why B's blog is important. And something she or someone on the blog said - about AA - I never wanted to ring another AAer when "tempted". I didn't want them to persuade me not to have the drink (the drink - hah!) that I had already decided to have. I hope I catch myself and talk to someone before I get past that point, where the wolf has already won and no one will persuade me to throw him off.
4 days is definitely entering new territory for me, at least since Halstead AA in 2011. And I know I wasn't really serious then (as whatever his name was saw pretty quick - John? Don?) - still looking to become a "normal" drinker, still dreaming of a life with alcohol that wasn't destroying me. Even more so in Corfu and back here in 2014 when I just carried on drinking, while going to meetings.
B said something which made me think of John/Don. I didn't like him, or how he treated me, but he was right - no point wasting time with a drinker who hasn't really decided to stop, who doesn't really want to stop. These past few months, and especially Naxos, were necessary - to show me, unequivocally, what hell my life with booze has become.
I did see a classic comment on a blog (not B's I think, but maybe). An AAer said something like "You have to be humble, without humility you can't make it." He was right of course. I have been humiliating myself for months and years, but increasingly, thanks to mindfulness and meditation mostly, I haven't been able to hide it from myself, to lie to myself, to pretend to myself I'm anything other than a hopeless case - not being angry or resentful at e.g. Christos seeing me for what I am and saying so, accepting his contempt (bit harsh), and wanting his respect, love even. I think I'm a bit in love with him!
The point about the AAer, was the tone - the judgementalism, no empathy, a lot of ego - and I kept bumping into that in the rooms - all men, all up themselves, as if AA had become the prop for their ego, that they hadn't really got what I felt the first time in Colchester, and very much from the leader there - a genuine humility, love, compassion. Which doesn't mean you keep trying to save someone who is not ready to be saved. I wonder if I will feel this way if I stay sober, in 6 months or a year, say. Wes Cash in Corfu was / is another. His AAism mostly ego, a sort of power trip. The place I keep feeling myself going to whenever I've managed a few day's sobriety - I'm great, after all, nothing to be ashamed of, never really hit the bottom, as good as, in fact better, than everyone around me. So I kept going back to drinking, to humiliate myself, plumb the depths, lose this silly false self. Maybe now I'm ready. That horrible day in Les Amis in Dilophon, feeling ghastly, waiting for my plane. B says she's high bottom. I thought I was, but it turns out I had to go a lot lower.
Some day, next year maybe, if I manage it, it would be nice to talk to Mark Roberts. He is definitely not an AAer as above, but he very definitely, and rightly, dropped me as soon as he understood I wasn't serious.
That's enough for now. Meditate. Dress. Breakfast.
Meditated. Fell asleep (again). Then cycled to Shawsgate Vineyard and Fram and said hello to Ingrid. Coffee at 26, no nips, and cycled back home. Granola for breakfast. Scrambled eggs for lunch.
Forgot my new password for Google & Chrome. Reset Google easily but the Chrome won't let me in unless I tell it my "old" password. So didn't spend all day on the web, but have spent all day trying to remember what I changed the password to last Thursday at 7.30 in the morning at Johnny's but didn't write down or tack it on to the Google email. Given my non sober state, not really surprising. Hoped it would pop into my head on my bike ride. It didn't. So sort of got what i wished for. It feels like it's just there, something I think to do with the book.
Quite a few reasons for a drink. And no massage from Diana. But I'm OK. B seems to have forgotten about me, no sign of my comments.
I have set up a new ID for comments - goodbyeandthanksforallthefish. Where do I put all this stuff? Need to be accountable.
Time for supper.
Talking of rolling. B refers several times to smoking (not). I notice 2 things - it now being my only "pleasure" (not really, but ...) I'm doing it more intensely, desperately than before. And being straight and sober, I'm noticing more how not very pleasant it mostly is, so maybe she's right.
A better night. Woke once for a pee, and then awake just before 6. Be a good idea not to watch telly until midnight, browse the web, blog whatever. Turn it all off and read, or write with my pen, after 10, maybe.
This is about looking after myself, caring for myself. Try eating 3 meals a day. I bought some granola yesterday, and eggs, and juice. So breakfast sorted.
I woke up feeling a bit shit, then I start feeling excited. Another day, another challenge. I'm going for a pointless (as in no shopping) ride, somewhere today. Get my map, go somewhere I haven't been before.
So many things (well, maybe only half a dozen) yesterday seemed fresh and worthwhile, enjoyable in and for themselves. Talking to Felicity, fixing Diana's lampshade and my tail light, the whales and dolphins, making my room nice. Between feeling restless and antsy (which pretty much went as soon as I became aware of the feeling) feeling alive, aware, alert. Try meditating in the evening as well as the morning.
Explore B's blog. Where can I put this? I don't want to put it here, on my blog - no one follows me, and I don't think anyone looks at it anyway, which makes it kind of pointless. B says share and engage, but I don't want yet, if ever, to share this with those who know me, at least not for now. Should I make up a silly handle for myself as everyone else seems to do? If so, what.
Talk about "my higher power". Talk about "signs" - I haven't asked for one for a long time, maybe never, but they seem to have been raining down on me for weeks and months. As if the still small voice has gone from deep inside and is manifesting in the world. But funnily, in the same quiet, non-judegmental, non-bossy way : just, here's a message, a clue, a massive hint (as in not falling off Stuart's roof - thank you - but toppling over a vicious Greek fence, destroying my nice green pole shirt, and the scar, still there, as itchy as hell. I think my right earhole, which has been itchy and uncomfortable for months, is getting better. And I'm not coughing my lungs out (although I'm smoking more than ever - another downside of leaving the CoOp, I can smoke all day, I don't have to ride 10 miles to and from work, or spend all day on my feet). So alcohol fills my lungs with phlegm and gives me a more or less permanent uncomfortable if not distended stomach. Be nice to confide in Harriet - I do sort of want to share this with a flesh and blood human being, but not with Pol, or Felicity (yet), not at least until I feel a bit more secure.
The feeling that this, at last, really is the right time (after I've fucked up so much and upset so many). That I have the time, and the focus, and the support, when I sign the pledge - not much evidence of anything as yet from B, my first comment still awaiting moderation. And that all the things I've thought and learned and done in my life, meditation and mindfulness especially, give me a tool kit, the means to make it. And not being afraid to ask "my higher power" for help, because I think I really am ready to let go.
The glumness first thing is more I think looking into the hole, the abyss of the day ahead - no work to go to, what to do with myself, how to cope with boredom (I was so not bored yesterday - really the reverse, twitchy and restless, reaching for the anaesthetic). Staying calm and centred and relaxed is the real challenge for me I think. And I do hope the hole is the hole that alcohol dug. They say that being sober doesn't remove the problems that started me down the slope to dependency and addiction, and when / if I start to get sober, I'm a little frightened of what I'll have to face. But a) I can't see hwo it could be worse than some of the horrors of the last few years and b) I started drinking a long time ago, before meditation and when I was very young and unformed - that despite the drink, a part of me has been growing and maturing, so maybe what lies ahead is something I can deal with, or that aprt from staying sober, there is nothing to deal with.
Also slightly worried about "the pink cloud" (I experienced it first at that first AA meeting I went to at the Quaker Meeting House in Colchester - would it have carried on if I hadn't had those two pints and the motor cycle accident and gone back to drinking? That must have been my longest spell of sobriety, ever - a month? 6 weeks?). I'm sort of in it now, but frightened if I come out of it, I won't be able to hold on. That's why B's blog is important. And something she or someone on the blog said - about AA - I never wanted to ring another AAer when "tempted". I didn't want them to persuade me not to have the drink (the drink - hah!) that I had already decided to have. I hope I catch myself and talk to someone before I get past that point, where the wolf has already won and no one will persuade me to throw him off.
4 days is definitely entering new territory for me, at least since Halstead AA in 2011. And I know I wasn't really serious then (as whatever his name was saw pretty quick - John? Don?) - still looking to become a "normal" drinker, still dreaming of a life with alcohol that wasn't destroying me. Even more so in Corfu and back here in 2014 when I just carried on drinking, while going to meetings.
B said something which made me think of John/Don. I didn't like him, or how he treated me, but he was right - no point wasting time with a drinker who hasn't really decided to stop, who doesn't really want to stop. These past few months, and especially Naxos, were necessary - to show me, unequivocally, what hell my life with booze has become.
I did see a classic comment on a blog (not B's I think, but maybe). An AAer said something like "You have to be humble, without humility you can't make it." He was right of course. I have been humiliating myself for months and years, but increasingly, thanks to mindfulness and meditation mostly, I haven't been able to hide it from myself, to lie to myself, to pretend to myself I'm anything other than a hopeless case - not being angry or resentful at e.g. Christos seeing me for what I am and saying so, accepting his contempt (bit harsh), and wanting his respect, love even. I think I'm a bit in love with him!
The point about the AAer, was the tone - the judgementalism, no empathy, a lot of ego - and I kept bumping into that in the rooms - all men, all up themselves, as if AA had become the prop for their ego, that they hadn't really got what I felt the first time in Colchester, and very much from the leader there - a genuine humility, love, compassion. Which doesn't mean you keep trying to save someone who is not ready to be saved. I wonder if I will feel this way if I stay sober, in 6 months or a year, say. Wes Cash in Corfu was / is another. His AAism mostly ego, a sort of power trip. The place I keep feeling myself going to whenever I've managed a few day's sobriety - I'm great, after all, nothing to be ashamed of, never really hit the bottom, as good as, in fact better, than everyone around me. So I kept going back to drinking, to humiliate myself, plumb the depths, lose this silly false self. Maybe now I'm ready. That horrible day in Les Amis in Dilophon, feeling ghastly, waiting for my plane. B says she's high bottom. I thought I was, but it turns out I had to go a lot lower.
Some day, next year maybe, if I manage it, it would be nice to talk to Mark Roberts. He is definitely not an AAer as above, but he very definitely, and rightly, dropped me as soon as he understood I wasn't serious.
That's enough for now. Meditate. Dress. Breakfast.
Meditated. Fell asleep (again). Then cycled to Shawsgate Vineyard and Fram and said hello to Ingrid. Coffee at 26, no nips, and cycled back home. Granola for breakfast. Scrambled eggs for lunch.
Forgot my new password for Google & Chrome. Reset Google easily but the Chrome won't let me in unless I tell it my "old" password. So didn't spend all day on the web, but have spent all day trying to remember what I changed the password to last Thursday at 7.30 in the morning at Johnny's but didn't write down or tack it on to the Google email. Given my non sober state, not really surprising. Hoped it would pop into my head on my bike ride. It didn't. So sort of got what i wished for. It feels like it's just there, something I think to do with the book.
Quite a few reasons for a drink. And no massage from Diana. But I'm OK. B seems to have forgotten about me, no sign of my comments.
I have set up a new ID for comments - goodbyeandthanksforallthefish. Where do I put all this stuff? Need to be accountable.
Time for supper.
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