B says I should blog every day, and engage. I started reading her second month's blog last night and started to worry I was getting obsessed. What should I eat? Drink? Read?
Crap night, felt like I hardly slept. Yesterday I went for an hour's walk round the farm, and cooked myself a fish pasta. Not very nice, but it was good to cook something. Read a lot, apart from B, and watched a fair bit of telly. The Hobbit Pt 2, Battle of the Five Armies, which was very good, but seemed to have "added" a lot to Tolkien, or I've forgotten a lot (quite likely).
So much that B says rings bells. She is / was very high bottom - 3 glasses of wine a night, plus a beer, plus a Grand Marnier, but every night. As she says, if you cannot drink in moderation, you are an alcoholic / you have a problem.
Feelings - yesterday I felt fine, positive. I feel 30 days is do-able. For now I'm aiming for a week which would be the first time since AA in 2011. Then maybe I'll sign up for B's pledge - 100 days (sometime in January 2018), or 30. She doesn't offer a 30 option. But at least try for that, and then see. And really, one day at a time.
I have some challenges. David Keeting is coming for a game of Go and lunch on Wednesday. This weekend I'm minding the dogs from Friday to Sunday and then down to Pol to wallpaper the summer house. I've even said I'll go and see Walaa on the 20th. I have to go shopping today - do I dare buy beer for David? Or would that just be stupid? Don't want to ask him to bring his own tipple, but maybe that would be better.
Don't want to tell anyone, apart from B and her bloggers.
Despite "waking" at 6am feeling crap, angry (who at? what about?), irritated, sad, I feel better having turned off Today and starting to write this. And I don't feel like a drink, don't think that's the answer. As B or one of her bloggers said, it's alcohol that digs the hole that I think alcohol will fill.
I'm looking at 30 days as a sort of retreat. I meditated yesterday, for the first time in days (weeks? I never did in Greece).
And I think the 30 day limit is quite important. And why I came to not-thinking-about-drinking. I do not want to spend the rest of my fucking life "being sober", obsessing about alcohol, what in the end pushed me away from AA. I just want to move on, to find out if there is something else I can live for, that sustains me. To grow. To be a better me, but not someone defined, made worthy, by the fact that I do not drink (which is why I don't want to tell anyone). Which, in a way makes B a bad model, as she seems to be making a career out of it, apart from running, and her hubby, and her job. If she helps me through this, good luck to her.
On the bright side - I have nothing else to do. I'm retired. I'm alone. Not really, it's nice having all the Parsons-Manns around - I asked Laura last night about Diana's huge settee which we were going to move into the big house - she just laughed, not horridly, and said I'd forgotten, they'd moved it on Friday and I was too out of it to help, which is funny / not funny. I do at least remember coming home from the White Horse - swigs of wine and gin at Johnny's in the morning, bought a bottle of wine at the CoOp and drank that during the day, then to the WH for 2 strong ciders and 2 double whiskies (Laphroiag, Talisker?) - for me a relatively light day's drinking. The point is, I can focus on this without distraction, or excuses - I've worked so hard, I feel so tired, I need a drink - for 30 days.
And one good thing: I stuck to my resolution, made before I went to Greece, not to buy another bottle of spirits (apart from the half bottle of gin I bought to replace what I drank of Johnny's when I got back from Greece and minded his dogs). So I drank the odd ouzo, raki, and a few of Christo's whiskies, but never a half bottle or bottle of something in my room. B might laugh (at my "moderation") but it did prove two things - that I can not drink industrial quantities of spirits, but that I can make myself feel just as out of it - at least 2 blackouts on Naxos - and just as bad on beer and wine. It just takes more liquid, and the other night I thought I was going to burst. I still managed to fit another beer in before bed, and I really did think I might have some sort of stomach ripping open experience. Mad.
It is interesting, this not feeling a drink, now, is the answer. It's a very long time since I haven't felt that - mostly not having a drink until after 4pm, there is none here and I'm going to work, but still having these constant little jiggles - "where's the gin/wine/whisky? just a nip" - and really, just having a nip, yet still finishing a bottle of whisky, just necking a slurp every so often, every few minutes really, within a few hours.
The desire to pass out, to sleep, not caring how early I wake up, the fear of boredom, of just feeling empty, pointless and futile. Sometimes hungry, angry, tired, lonely, but mostly, boredom and emptiness, and wanting to hide from my frustration, shame, fear, anxiety.
Anxiety - that seems to be a big one. Where did all my serenity from meditation go? Did I actually have any, ever? When did I feel safe and happy, ever? Warm and fuzzy and drunk, lots of the time. But when sober / hungover, frustrated and anxious. What a fraud I am, to myself as much as to others. It's funny, I've noticed how the niggles of anxiety and fear keep appearing, having "resigned", when for so long I thought that it was the CoOp making me feel that way (when are they going to catch me? find me out? give me another disciplinary?). Now I tell myself, you don't need to worry, you're not going back to work, you've got a home (another anxiety, when is Laura going to lose patience with me and tell me to leave?), pension, a bit of money. You have nothing to fear, but fear itself, yet it's there, and alcohol seems to be the way to anaesthetize the fear, where maybe, it's just creating it, along with the hole.
And another problem/challenge. I asked Chrissy to get me some more weed (finished the last of it on Thursday). What do I do when she texts or rings me and says she has it? Cancel? Probably best, part of my 30 day retreat.
I think this is enough now, I've been typing for 40 minutes. I'll save it, not publish it. Maybe send it to B, by way of sharing and engaging. Don't isolate, so if I'm not going to tell anyone (friends, family) I need to tell the bloggers, somehow.
It is ridiculous, at the beginning of Day 3, to feel like I haven't had a drink for weeks / months / years.
I wanted to say something about humiliation and shame: I've really felt a lot of that lately. And my fear of pride and ego, re-erecting my mask of respectability and decency, rushing back after a few days of sobriety. B never talks about this, so she might not understand. To be continued.
One day at a time is OK. I think being firm about 30 is better. And as B also said, you can't help an alcoholic to stop, until they want to. I think I do, for my own sake.
I've also realised my holiday in Greece was not really much fun. My canoe trip with Christos and my birthday lunch (which was a lovely surprise, but how pissed was I?) aside, it was a kind of slow torture. And that's pretty much true of all my drinking for a very long time - if good things, joyous things have happened, it's been despite the booze, not because of it.
And today has been a lovely day. Wrote this first blog, left a comment on B's, had a bath, meditated, rode to Saxmundam to do some shopping (treats for the bike, like oil, lights, new panniers), no booze. Cycled home, thinking I deserved a drink, but had a late breakfast instead, mended Diana's lamp and my tail light, re-hung my pictures, sorted out stuff in my cupboard, a long lovely chat, sober and funny, with Felicity, and watched some interesting telly. Less web stuff, more reading/writing/painting/walking and just being quiet would be good. Get an ordnance survey map, and a standard lamp for my room. Did not do too much thinking about drinking or even want a drink really although I do need an alternative to coffee, tea and water. Forgot to buy cranberry juice and tonic water (B's tipple, give it a try). Did not buy beer for David for Wednesday's game of go - do this Wednesday am in Fram. Chrissy has weed for me, which I do not know what to do about. I want this 30 days retreat, if I make it, to be completely straight and sober, but that may be too many layers - focus on being sober.
Feel edgy, speedy, restless, keep hopping up and doing things. I did focus on Diana's lamp, and did an OK job. She was pleased with my handiwork. I have asked her for a massage tomorrow. I'm going to ask her for a full 60 minutes reiki which if she'll let me pay will cost £30, or 4 half bottles of Scotch - appropriate as it will be / may be my fourth day sober.
Want to talk about "the higher power" - I'm certainly asking it for help, and meaning it, for once.
I listened to a meditation / retreat preparation talk today (Jim Carreira I think) - what are you not prepared to let go of? Always, until now, I've reserved to myself the option to just carry on drinking. I told B in a comment I want to get to 7 day's sobriety, and then commit to 30, and then, I hope, do her 100 day pledge. That would take me to somewhere in January.
I'm tired. I hope I sleep better than last night, but I won't mind if I don't. A quiet day here tomorrow, massage, a walk or a bike ride for an hour. I actually got saddle sore today riding to Sax and back - first time on the bike in 3 weeks. The magic oil was magic - gears and chain working properly again.
Crap night, felt like I hardly slept. Yesterday I went for an hour's walk round the farm, and cooked myself a fish pasta. Not very nice, but it was good to cook something. Read a lot, apart from B, and watched a fair bit of telly. The Hobbit Pt 2, Battle of the Five Armies, which was very good, but seemed to have "added" a lot to Tolkien, or I've forgotten a lot (quite likely).
So much that B says rings bells. She is / was very high bottom - 3 glasses of wine a night, plus a beer, plus a Grand Marnier, but every night. As she says, if you cannot drink in moderation, you are an alcoholic / you have a problem.
Feelings - yesterday I felt fine, positive. I feel 30 days is do-able. For now I'm aiming for a week which would be the first time since AA in 2011. Then maybe I'll sign up for B's pledge - 100 days (sometime in January 2018), or 30. She doesn't offer a 30 option. But at least try for that, and then see. And really, one day at a time.
I have some challenges. David Keeting is coming for a game of Go and lunch on Wednesday. This weekend I'm minding the dogs from Friday to Sunday and then down to Pol to wallpaper the summer house. I've even said I'll go and see Walaa on the 20th. I have to go shopping today - do I dare buy beer for David? Or would that just be stupid? Don't want to ask him to bring his own tipple, but maybe that would be better.
Don't want to tell anyone, apart from B and her bloggers.
Despite "waking" at 6am feeling crap, angry (who at? what about?), irritated, sad, I feel better having turned off Today and starting to write this. And I don't feel like a drink, don't think that's the answer. As B or one of her bloggers said, it's alcohol that digs the hole that I think alcohol will fill.
I'm looking at 30 days as a sort of retreat. I meditated yesterday, for the first time in days (weeks? I never did in Greece).
And I think the 30 day limit is quite important. And why I came to not-thinking-about-drinking. I do not want to spend the rest of my fucking life "being sober", obsessing about alcohol, what in the end pushed me away from AA. I just want to move on, to find out if there is something else I can live for, that sustains me. To grow. To be a better me, but not someone defined, made worthy, by the fact that I do not drink (which is why I don't want to tell anyone). Which, in a way makes B a bad model, as she seems to be making a career out of it, apart from running, and her hubby, and her job. If she helps me through this, good luck to her.
On the bright side - I have nothing else to do. I'm retired. I'm alone. Not really, it's nice having all the Parsons-Manns around - I asked Laura last night about Diana's huge settee which we were going to move into the big house - she just laughed, not horridly, and said I'd forgotten, they'd moved it on Friday and I was too out of it to help, which is funny / not funny. I do at least remember coming home from the White Horse - swigs of wine and gin at Johnny's in the morning, bought a bottle of wine at the CoOp and drank that during the day, then to the WH for 2 strong ciders and 2 double whiskies (Laphroiag, Talisker?) - for me a relatively light day's drinking. The point is, I can focus on this without distraction, or excuses - I've worked so hard, I feel so tired, I need a drink - for 30 days.
And one good thing: I stuck to my resolution, made before I went to Greece, not to buy another bottle of spirits (apart from the half bottle of gin I bought to replace what I drank of Johnny's when I got back from Greece and minded his dogs). So I drank the odd ouzo, raki, and a few of Christo's whiskies, but never a half bottle or bottle of something in my room. B might laugh (at my "moderation") but it did prove two things - that I can not drink industrial quantities of spirits, but that I can make myself feel just as out of it - at least 2 blackouts on Naxos - and just as bad on beer and wine. It just takes more liquid, and the other night I thought I was going to burst. I still managed to fit another beer in before bed, and I really did think I might have some sort of stomach ripping open experience. Mad.
It is interesting, this not feeling a drink, now, is the answer. It's a very long time since I haven't felt that - mostly not having a drink until after 4pm, there is none here and I'm going to work, but still having these constant little jiggles - "where's the gin/wine/whisky? just a nip" - and really, just having a nip, yet still finishing a bottle of whisky, just necking a slurp every so often, every few minutes really, within a few hours.
The desire to pass out, to sleep, not caring how early I wake up, the fear of boredom, of just feeling empty, pointless and futile. Sometimes hungry, angry, tired, lonely, but mostly, boredom and emptiness, and wanting to hide from my frustration, shame, fear, anxiety.
Anxiety - that seems to be a big one. Where did all my serenity from meditation go? Did I actually have any, ever? When did I feel safe and happy, ever? Warm and fuzzy and drunk, lots of the time. But when sober / hungover, frustrated and anxious. What a fraud I am, to myself as much as to others. It's funny, I've noticed how the niggles of anxiety and fear keep appearing, having "resigned", when for so long I thought that it was the CoOp making me feel that way (when are they going to catch me? find me out? give me another disciplinary?). Now I tell myself, you don't need to worry, you're not going back to work, you've got a home (another anxiety, when is Laura going to lose patience with me and tell me to leave?), pension, a bit of money. You have nothing to fear, but fear itself, yet it's there, and alcohol seems to be the way to anaesthetize the fear, where maybe, it's just creating it, along with the hole.
And another problem/challenge. I asked Chrissy to get me some more weed (finished the last of it on Thursday). What do I do when she texts or rings me and says she has it? Cancel? Probably best, part of my 30 day retreat.
I think this is enough now, I've been typing for 40 minutes. I'll save it, not publish it. Maybe send it to B, by way of sharing and engaging. Don't isolate, so if I'm not going to tell anyone (friends, family) I need to tell the bloggers, somehow.
It is ridiculous, at the beginning of Day 3, to feel like I haven't had a drink for weeks / months / years.
I wanted to say something about humiliation and shame: I've really felt a lot of that lately. And my fear of pride and ego, re-erecting my mask of respectability and decency, rushing back after a few days of sobriety. B never talks about this, so she might not understand. To be continued.
One day at a time is OK. I think being firm about 30 is better. And as B also said, you can't help an alcoholic to stop, until they want to. I think I do, for my own sake.
I've also realised my holiday in Greece was not really much fun. My canoe trip with Christos and my birthday lunch (which was a lovely surprise, but how pissed was I?) aside, it was a kind of slow torture. And that's pretty much true of all my drinking for a very long time - if good things, joyous things have happened, it's been despite the booze, not because of it.
And today has been a lovely day. Wrote this first blog, left a comment on B's, had a bath, meditated, rode to Saxmundam to do some shopping (treats for the bike, like oil, lights, new panniers), no booze. Cycled home, thinking I deserved a drink, but had a late breakfast instead, mended Diana's lamp and my tail light, re-hung my pictures, sorted out stuff in my cupboard, a long lovely chat, sober and funny, with Felicity, and watched some interesting telly. Less web stuff, more reading/writing/painting/walking and just being quiet would be good. Get an ordnance survey map, and a standard lamp for my room. Did not do too much thinking about drinking or even want a drink really although I do need an alternative to coffee, tea and water. Forgot to buy cranberry juice and tonic water (B's tipple, give it a try). Did not buy beer for David for Wednesday's game of go - do this Wednesday am in Fram. Chrissy has weed for me, which I do not know what to do about. I want this 30 days retreat, if I make it, to be completely straight and sober, but that may be too many layers - focus on being sober.
Feel edgy, speedy, restless, keep hopping up and doing things. I did focus on Diana's lamp, and did an OK job. She was pleased with my handiwork. I have asked her for a massage tomorrow. I'm going to ask her for a full 60 minutes reiki which if she'll let me pay will cost £30, or 4 half bottles of Scotch - appropriate as it will be / may be my fourth day sober.
Want to talk about "the higher power" - I'm certainly asking it for help, and meaning it, for once.
I listened to a meditation / retreat preparation talk today (Jim Carreira I think) - what are you not prepared to let go of? Always, until now, I've reserved to myself the option to just carry on drinking. I told B in a comment I want to get to 7 day's sobriety, and then commit to 30, and then, I hope, do her 100 day pledge. That would take me to somewhere in January.
I'm tired. I hope I sleep better than last night, but I won't mind if I don't. A quiet day here tomorrow, massage, a walk or a bike ride for an hour. I actually got saddle sore today riding to Sax and back - first time on the bike in 3 weeks. The magic oil was magic - gears and chain working properly again.
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