Day 13. Thursday 19.x.17

New discovery. Hot ginger and lemon grass cordial. An alternative to tea.

Sober jumpstart no 5 - supports. What are mine, now?

Thanks again B.

Supports today are:

reading your blogs, emails and the book.

writing my own blog, every day. leaving nothing out. thinking things through on the page. sharing it with at least two people (although I'm not sure either are actually reading it - more important that they could be - a kind of accountability)

treats - mainly spending the money I'm saving on not drinking on things that I want / need / will help. Yesterday I bought a load of electrical bits and bobs to resuscitate an old standard lamp. Now my room looks and feels really cosy, like home, instead of just somewhere to sleep and dump my stuff and pass out in.

structure. read your blog and whatever else comes into my inbox from the sobersphere. meditate. 3 proper meals a day (I used only to eat in the evening, and drink, a lot, before during and after, and pass out). Yesterday I cycled 8 miles to buy a kilo of decent porridge. I shall eat it for breakfast today.

rest. If I'm tired, take a break.

exercise - ideally, with a point - I don't have a car, so everything involves a bike ride. If I have a good reason, I'll cycle to the shops and back - round trip 10 miles, 40 minutes exercise. If not, I'll just go exploring. 

going out - it's really fun, and good to have the energy to do it, especially in the evenings. And it's such a relief not to have to think about where I can fit the drinking in - before, during, after. Last night I went to a Labour Party meeting - cycled 8 miles in the dark, spent 2 hours talking and listening to others about how we can promote the cause in our very blue constituency, I volunteered to investigate putting on a film show as a hook for a public meeting. At the end, I really felt like a beer (as in I deserved one for all my hard work). Fortunately no one suggested the pub. I think/hope I would have said no, or said yes, but not had an alcoholic drink, but I'm glad I didn't have to find out. And I've committed to several social things (not too many) - a radio play reading where I am helping set up the venue, and understudying for 2 male roles, a hallowe'en party, my own 65th birthday party. For someone who has spent most of the last 3 years hiding in his room getting drunk when he wasn't working, this is a major advance.

not getting too stressed. Not letting anything start to feel like "work" (which needs a payoff). Not being afraid of a challenge, or effort, just not getting drowned in things-to-do lists and obligations that I'm not up to meeting. Caring for myself. Keeping my eyes on the road ahead. Staying focused on the one essential - how to stay sober today. Everything else is subservient to that.

People. You. My sons. My daughter (not just yet, she has her belly full of imminent baby at the moment). Maybe AA - they have a meeting tonight 4 miles away. I am thinking about going. I have literally no sober friends. Some non-drinkers. Quite a few more or less controlled over-drinkers.

Fixing things. I love mending and repairing stuff. I spent the weekend wallpapering my ex's summerhouse. Yesterday I restored an old brass standard lamp. I have a small wooden stool / table to repair.

Decluttering - I've been flinging everything, important, unimportant, rubbish - into carrier bags for 3 years. I'm wading through it day by day, and chucking away a lot. 

I found another drink yesterday (to add to the cranberry and tonic - I add ice, a slice of lemon and a dash of bitters) - hot ginger and lemongrass cordial. A nice alternative to tea or coffee (of which I drink too much, probably).

Cooking - see three meals a day above. I really like cooking (it's very therapeutic) and I'm quite good at it. I've been eating a lot of ready meals lately (cooking for one sometimes feels a little futile). Also, if I cook, I have to go out to the shops (8 mile round trip) more often, even daily. I had someone to lunch the other day, for the first time since I was living in Greece 4 years ago. It was really fun, and I sent him home with all the beer and wine. I know all the alcohol gets burned off, but I won't use wine or beer when cooking. I feel that would just be the crack in the wall that leads to the flood. No problem eating something someone else has cooked using alcohol (unless it was something like pears marinaded in Grand Marnier).

Church - I was brought up a Catholic, and although I'm long past that now (I have literally no idea what my / the "higher power" might be - well I have some theories, but I prefer to leave them in the Cloud of Unknowing) I do like to go to church. So that was my Sunday treat. and I like singing. At the communion rail I touched my lips to the cup - not even a taste of the wine. And then they had a little healing ceremony in honour of St Luke whose name day it was, who is the patron saint of doctors. I might rejoin the choir. Nice chat with the priest, who came to greet the stranger when the service was over.

If you've got this far, maybe you can see something I'm missing. Or should be devoting more attention to.

x david

=============

need to prioritise.

application to Mills Almshouses for a place

ask Phoenix (my pension) for a regular monthly payment to add to my state pension

read Pol's radio play script

read B's 100 day blog

do stuff. something. not anything. something positive, creative, important, pleasant (4 hours of freecell is not "pleasant" - it's almost psychotic). not everything. don't just keep pro-crastinating, delaying, while that hard knot of anxiety builds up in my gut, for which, eventually, a huge whisky seems like the only solution. Eating my porridge at 12 noon, still not dressed or meditated. Have read and reacted to B's Year 1 blog.

A lovely long letter from Aden, a curious echo of this one.

I shared this blog with Felicity.

A good day. I didn't go for a ride. Replaced the broken fridge, and threw out some antique items. Lost a pint of milk. Stayed up ridiculously late, reading mostly.