Messy bedtime. Fell asleep sitting up in bed with the lights on, radio or Chrome playing a podcast. Kept waking up, but too tired to sort myself out. Finally turned everything off and went to (proper) sleep about 1.30, and didn't wake up until 7am.
Feelings about B's response to my email yesterday, and then to her various offerings that I read and listened to later. Am I feeling got at? Is she feeling rejected? My comment about not needing her resources (i.e the books she has recommended). Is this my drinking brain / psyche kicking in? I have heard her voice, but she has not heard mine, so maybe she reads my emails / posts in a quite different tone / mood from the way I wrote them.
Feel a bit all over the place this morning. Too many projects, too much clutter on my desk. Pissed off that no one apart from the grown ups has bothered to rsvp my invite. My party at the Kouros all over again. And now Day One seems quite faint and far away - a week felt real, but what's a fortnight? And each new day is proportionately a little less far along the track than the last*. And I can't / won't keep feeling better and better each day - in fact today both my hands hurt (how does 2 days wall papering make my hands hurt?) and I feel chesty, too many fags. Ride to Sax or Fram this morning and get the bits I need for my standard lamp. Start the bloody book.
And I've filled the fridge with juice and tonic and now the fridge is broken. Bugger.
* but proportionately closer to the next target i.e. only 18 days to Day 30. So look forward, not back to the beginning
B's lesson 4 - treats and rewards
spending the money I've saved not buying booze on things I want - fixing the standard lamp.
my limited repertoire of treats - booze, fags, spliffs.
taking the day off, just to read a book.
painting a picture (and buying new paints and paper)
playing Go with David and buying him a nice lunch
getting back into finishing my novel - it's a treat, not a job.
going totally offline for a day
going on a retreat (not cheap - WCCM's 7 day silent retreat £545 - I'd rather have a sober week on Naxos.
Hiring a car and going to visit an old friend e.g. Charles D or T
Going to see the Fishers in Southwold
Really making a good job of finishing Pol's summerhouse
Go to Fram Film tonight
Re-join the choir
Go to a concert in Fram
Giving up fags? As a reward?
My birthday party (B would not approve, it's in a pub)
Join FramCycle, GreenerFram, the Fram walkers
Get an ordnance survey map of the area - I already did
Buy a woodburner for the caravan
Buy a solar panel for the caravan
Re-jig the caravan - make it more me and mine, less a plastic holiday box, more a gypsy van or shepherd's hut
Ring up Stuart for a chat
Just say no, to doing stuff, when I start to feel stressed. Very little is that important that it can't be ignored, postponed or just thrown away (apart, at the moment, from staying sober).
I feel more positive already.
Just shove all the crap to one side, and give myself a whole day to do something, like start to finish Metanoia
And tonight I'm going to my first Momentum meeting, in Sax. I have lights for my bike, and I will be sober, and have enough mojo to go out for the evening. So that is definitely a treat.
Whole day's been a treat really. Asked the Labour Party to my party, and Maz and Mark may come.
Home for late supper at 11pm. Cheese on toast with all the trimmings. Very tempted as we came out of the meeting. Glad no one suggested the pub. Headlamp fell apart on the way home, and my panniers supposedly waterproof leak like a sieve. Fixed the standard lamp. Cycled to Sax twice so that must be 16 miles. Nice music in the White Horse.
Feelings about B's response to my email yesterday, and then to her various offerings that I read and listened to later. Am I feeling got at? Is she feeling rejected? My comment about not needing her resources (i.e the books she has recommended). Is this my drinking brain / psyche kicking in? I have heard her voice, but she has not heard mine, so maybe she reads my emails / posts in a quite different tone / mood from the way I wrote them.
Feel a bit all over the place this morning. Too many projects, too much clutter on my desk. Pissed off that no one apart from the grown ups has bothered to rsvp my invite. My party at the Kouros all over again. And now Day One seems quite faint and far away - a week felt real, but what's a fortnight? And each new day is proportionately a little less far along the track than the last*. And I can't / won't keep feeling better and better each day - in fact today both my hands hurt (how does 2 days wall papering make my hands hurt?) and I feel chesty, too many fags. Ride to Sax or Fram this morning and get the bits I need for my standard lamp. Start the bloody book.
And I've filled the fridge with juice and tonic and now the fridge is broken. Bugger.
* but proportionately closer to the next target i.e. only 18 days to Day 30. So look forward, not back to the beginning
B's lesson 4 - treats and rewards
spending the money I've saved not buying booze on things I want - fixing the standard lamp.
my limited repertoire of treats - booze, fags, spliffs.
taking the day off, just to read a book.
painting a picture (and buying new paints and paper)
playing Go with David and buying him a nice lunch
getting back into finishing my novel - it's a treat, not a job.
going totally offline for a day
going on a retreat (not cheap - WCCM's 7 day silent retreat £545 - I'd rather have a sober week on Naxos.
Hiring a car and going to visit an old friend e.g. Charles D or T
Going to see the Fishers in Southwold
Really making a good job of finishing Pol's summerhouse
Go to Fram Film tonight
Re-join the choir
Go to a concert in Fram
Giving up fags? As a reward?
My birthday party (B would not approve, it's in a pub)
Join FramCycle, GreenerFram, the Fram walkers
Get an ordnance survey map of the area - I already did
Buy a woodburner for the caravan
Buy a solar panel for the caravan
Re-jig the caravan - make it more me and mine, less a plastic holiday box, more a gypsy van or shepherd's hut
Ring up Stuart for a chat
Just say no, to doing stuff, when I start to feel stressed. Very little is that important that it can't be ignored, postponed or just thrown away (apart, at the moment, from staying sober).
I feel more positive already.
Just shove all the crap to one side, and give myself a whole day to do something, like start to finish Metanoia
And tonight I'm going to my first Momentum meeting, in Sax. I have lights for my bike, and I will be sober, and have enough mojo to go out for the evening. So that is definitely a treat.
Whole day's been a treat really. Asked the Labour Party to my party, and Maz and Mark may come.
Home for late supper at 11pm. Cheese on toast with all the trimmings. Very tempted as we came out of the meeting. Glad no one suggested the pub. Headlamp fell apart on the way home, and my panniers supposedly waterproof leak like a sieve. Fixed the standard lamp. Cycled to Sax twice so that must be 16 miles. Nice music in the White Horse.
Comments
Post a Comment
Say anything you like. I do.