Comments on B's 100 day blog

can't copy and paste from B's 100 day blog. Wanted to thumbs up her point Day 66 or so about drinking to take the edge off, drinking because I'm almost too happy. Oh look, there's an emotion - let's have a drink. absolutely spot on. More worried about this than anything.

And every morning, I wake up frightened, a little nervous, anxious. Can I really make it through another day? reading this blog, meditating, breakfast, all help.

Are fags one of my treats / supports? Spliffs definitely are. Should they be? I'm sure B wouldn't approve. Stop when my current batch runs out (not long now, at this rate). Stop smoking?

Anxiety (Day 72?) - the thing that's missing. I've been feeling fearful and paranoid (what have I done wrong? what's going to go wrong? when am I going to get found out (about what, for fuck's sake)? For, literally, years. I think this anxious thing first thing in the morning is healthy. It's sober me saying be careful, don't take it for granted, don't assume you're home free. And as soon as I start doing my sober stuff, the anxiety starts to fade. Not because I've had a drink, but because I haven't.

I forgot to include baths in my treats / support list. Yesterday I got soaked coming back from Saxmundam with my porridge and electrical things. All my waterproof things totally weren't (jacket, panniers). So I got home (I treated myself to lunch at Waitrose, with lovely ginger and lemongrass hot cordial) and stripped off. Hung up all my wet clothese, and had a hot bath and a shave at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. How mad is that? Then fixed the standard lamp, skipped evening meditation (sorry) and cycled back to Saxmundham for the Momentum meeting.

Stayed up late last night. Home at 10pm, cheese on toast with left over salad at 11pm, watched Last Vegas til 1pm (funny ensemble movie, which I can actually remember, with M Douglas M Freeman, Robin Williams (I think) and de Niro. An awful lot of drinking). It was OK, but don't make a habit of it. Slept well, and woke after 7am. B's right about drawing the curtains. Enjoying my new heater (£19, another treat) - which actually works. Sell the crap fan thingy on ebay.

I'm so glad I don't have to work. However stupid and alkie and fucked up it was to lose my job, I would not be here if I hadn't, and I couldn't keep this up if I was having to go to work every day. So hat's off to B. Day 79?

Magic thinking. Absolutely. I have always known the world is looking out for me, and that if I only let it, it will take care of me. That drinking is fundamentally a lack of faith, and patience, and awareness. The fact that it has taken me until now to live that, is a reflection of my stubborness, laziness and cowardice. I'm not talking happy ever after, just appreciating that to just be alive, healthy, and aware, is all I really need or want. Not sure how I'd cope with unhealthy. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Take no thought for the morrow. Look at the lilies of the field, see how beautifully they are arrayed, and yet they reap not, nor do they spin.

Nearly Day 90 - Strange as we are not very far into the entire blog (p 190/550). I hate this bit (B feeling ill and tired and fucked up and wanting a drink) - just not sure I could get through it as she has done. I want to be free, forever, from thinking about drinking. Still, a useful warning. (I just looked - it's not 100 days, but Year 1).

Day 86. Good advice (enough sleep, exercise, good food, downtime, treats). I can do work, but not at the expense of any of those.

Meditate now, then porridge.

Vicious, and virtuous, circles. Vicious circles (like playing Freecell all day) just lead to drink. And drink itself is a vicious circle. Virtuous circles, liking doing pleasant, positive, creative things, cooking and eating a good meal, meditating, sleeping (properly), making a list (not too long, not containing stupid unnecessary irrelevant things) and doing the stuff on the list, and not drinking for another day, lead to more momentum, more resources, more confidence, and more virtuous circles. Learn to discriminate, and make the right choices, more and more often. And not drinking makes that easier, more skilful.

p.207 Day 111. I can't copy and paste from the pdf. Paul about not letting other compulsions (e.g. work, or possibly, in my case, weed) take over from booze. Maintain balance - that is really key, and recognise when I'm starting to wobble, for whatever reason. In which case, retreat, withdraw, don't try and be all macho about whatever it is - just say no. Or some other time.

B comes from Vermont. How cool is that (explains a lot actually)?

25.Oct.2012. A long time ago. I still thought Pol and I could make it, but I was (secretly ha ha not funny really, at all) drinking a lot, and Top Trucks was going downhill, steadily. We went to South Africa and had a lovely time (maybe we didn't, what with me carrying bottles around in my bag and trying to stop them clinking). I was 60.

Shocked. B's skipped 3 days (including my birthday - 24-26 October 2012). Did she write nothing (I thought that was a rule, a blog every day), or decide to leave it out because it was boring crap or too personal or something?

now on p 226 Sun 11 Nov 2012 (of 550)

p228 - "this my 100th post in 136 days of sobriety" - so she didn't post every day. I kind of thought that was a rule. I suppose, if I really have nothing to say on the subject, what's the point, other than to say "still sober"?

p240. Month 6. What do I like about being sober?

not feeling shit, at all

sleeping properly

not feeling anxious, ashamed, paranoid, frightened

getting stuff done - mostly the little things, perhaps I'm not ready for the big stuff quite yet. 

Never really feeling I've wasted the day (even when I sort of have) because, at least, it's another day sober.

feeling alive, aware, sparkly

getting out more

hope and anticipation - what lies ahead?

Month 7

drinking is the answer to boredom

what's boredom? not realising / noticing the joy of being sober