Woke up at 2.22 (I checked) in the middle of a wonderful happy dream. Sukie and I at some indeterminate age in a strange house, a bit Longs Farmy, but with a garden on a slope and a stream / river running down the side, the house itself all split levelly. I arrived home in the middle of a surprise party (organised by someone Vernon like, who was very familiar and obviously a good friend but I don't recognise - a lot of familiar faces but also a lot of friends I've never seen before, but who felt like real friends) - a very strange moment, I went to find Sukie, and she, Granny, Fiddy and someone else (Felicity?) were all in pantomime dame costumes with masses of make up, laughing like drains. At no point did I ask for a drink, I was aware I am not drinking. It was almost a dream of possibility, of what might have been if I hadn't been a drinker, like a quantum parallel other possible life/universe. It all felt very happy. Perhaps prompted by Belle's coulda / shoulda podcast. Very vivid, as if that life is really going on out there somewhere. I'm fine here by the way. In this one. Went back to sleep and woke up at 6.23 (I checked, again).
SP132 - "I'm trapped in a happy place" ha ha. the 7 month's bit was a shocker - I'm in my 7th month. Maybe that was what Fri / Sat nights were about. Why can't I be like all these people, and have a glass of wine (only most of them weren't)? Don't drift.
Are you (Belle) a petrolhead? The re-fuelling the car metaphor for motivation, and the driving to San Francisco from Maine - you won't get there if you do a U-ey, and you won't get there in a day. And one day, you will not think about drinking, ever. I mostly feel that way already, which was why Friday and Saturday were a bit of a shock. But as Belle says, just go to bed, it'll feel different in the morning, and it does.
Rebecca is very strange. Her "deafness". Still not sure if she isn't a bit, and in denial about it. Although I asked her a question last night, no answer, she was texting like a demon (who to, what about - not Daniel, while we were having a drink after the film) so I just waited, to see if she would respond. She did, after some time, so clearly she'd heard me. (Bells' just gone for morning med). Is that another control thing? She said Bonnevaux was like boarding school to her. Her very strange, and outrageous, reaction when she was so "stressed and hassled" before we left for Poitiers. "Don't tell me what to do" she practically screamed at me in the car. She was moaning about not having had anything to eat, but she'd had an hour while we were all meditating - she was stressing about her room/flat in Frome, and her all WCCM work, and "I don't talk to anyone except Laurence and (- someone else, Giovanni? -) about my work" as if it was some state secret. And a bit strange since Andrew is in charge here, no wonder he's pissed off with her. It sounded mad - that I was crossing some line by suggesting eating and not gettting stressed was more important than her volunteer management stuff. And her curious lack of reaction to what I'd said in my email to her. Again, mad / unbalanced seeming. Do Laurence et al see this?
And I wondered later if it was such a great idea being so open with her about my drinking / being sober - she was very unimpressed by the fact that I'd only been sober since October; I wonder how long she's been as mad as a bag of frogs. God knows what she could do with that if she wanted to start stirring, and I suspect she's quite manipulative - if Andrew's to be believed she's got Laurence and Giovanni wrapped round her little finger.
I had an idea for a petition to Pope Francis (at least as good as a petition for cats - I'm fighting a lonely battle to wipe out all the cats, or at least get them spayed / neutered - Minny's still not been done and Rebecca thinks she's pregnant again. Andrew came up to me yesterday saying how sad it was about the balck kitten, looking like chief mourner at some Victorian death fest, and I asked how it had died - it hadn't, it's just gone off to its new home. I howled with laughter. No wonder everyone hates me.)
Anyway, a worldwide mass, all Catholics invited to attend, at the same time(so it would be early in China, very late in Hawaii, say midday in Rome), for peace, for the planet, for the poor. If there's anything in this prayer / god mullarkey surely he'd pay attention if two billion odd human beings all asked him to something at once?
Comment on Critique - another piece about the insanity of the anti-semitism in the Labour Party trope.
"As I have definitely shared your articles and others on this topic and expressed supportive opinions of the same on Facebook and elsewhere, I suspect I may get suspended too (if anyone ever reads anything I post, which I suspect they don't!)
But the really frightening thing about this utterly synthetic campaign is that it may well in time lead to precisely the virulent and evil anti-Semitism it claims to be protesting about. Which may indeed be the intention i.e. that a rise in real anti-Semitism will drive more Jews into the arms of the Zionists and the current Israeli regime."
7pm - felt very fuck it when I got back from Costarama and dropping Elba off. No-one even noticed the altar rail had disappeared, which is almost shocking. Andrew mentioned the bone that had been used to anchor the rail to the wall, said J-C had found it, which is odd as I only revealed it when I took the altar rail away from the wall. j-C thinks it's human! If it is, it's a tiny child's femur. Or a dog or cat, which seems more likely. No-one wondered how the whole rail had disappeared. A bit of my shock is just ego, it would have been noticed, but if they didn't even spot it, it's almost flattering, I did such a neat job and hid the holes with furniture but they're supposed to be mindful and aware. It just reinforced a feeling I've had for several days, of being somehow alienated from everyone - hence the fuck it feeling. They don't seem to notice or even think how weird Rebecca is being to me at times, or maybe she's like that with everyone.
Andrew's asked me to lead meditation on Wednesday evening, which will be fun. Prepare it properly. He wants to show Laurence I'm really here, which makes me wonder what I've been doing and where I've been the last two weeks! Hope I get a chance to talk to Laurence, although I'm not sure what about. Oblating possibly. Or Bonnevaux's politics / personal relationships.
Still haven't had a response from Photonics about the inverter, or a peep out of Curtis Banks. Very odd.
Talked to Westcot about my Lloyds debt and agreed to increase my monthly payment to £40 - almost embarrassing how little I actually have to spend, apart from tobacco and treats, while here in my caravan. Forgot the gas for the caravan. And all the money I spent on the woodburner and the PV system, and the money I'll need to spend on the inverter. Never mind the escaping from Bonnevaux, if that ever needs to happen.
Too much novelty is exhausting. I think that's what the fuck its are about. I've had a good day, got stuff done and sorted, meditated (well, sat still with my eyes shut), moved the PV panel out of too obvious sight and connected the old car battery which seems to be charging OK, although my light keeps flickering as if there's a loose connection somewhere. Be nice to get the inverter here and have a proper working system, and be able to charge my laptop here and run the fridge. Then get on with the stove.
There's a lot of ego around, quite a bit of it mine. This is like a full on retreat, and every bit as disturbing.
Nice long chat with Felicity about Oscar's christening and the difficulties of bringing up little children with some kind of spiritual / religious sense. Her silly Catholic priest, who tried too hard or in the wrong way, and ended up putting her off a church christening altogether, and how tricky with coming up with something that isn't just a drinks party for adults. Aden and Lottie made a good go of their non-religious wedding. What is a christening about, if it's not just about 'welcoming a child into the church', and saving it from limbo? I think I annoyed people by having a long loud conversation outside the house after dark - I had to shout, it's along way to Iford Manor from here.
SP132 - "I'm trapped in a happy place" ha ha. the 7 month's bit was a shocker - I'm in my 7th month. Maybe that was what Fri / Sat nights were about. Why can't I be like all these people, and have a glass of wine (only most of them weren't)? Don't drift.
Are you (Belle) a petrolhead? The re-fuelling the car metaphor for motivation, and the driving to San Francisco from Maine - you won't get there if you do a U-ey, and you won't get there in a day. And one day, you will not think about drinking, ever. I mostly feel that way already, which was why Friday and Saturday were a bit of a shock. But as Belle says, just go to bed, it'll feel different in the morning, and it does.
Rebecca is very strange. Her "deafness". Still not sure if she isn't a bit, and in denial about it. Although I asked her a question last night, no answer, she was texting like a demon (who to, what about - not Daniel, while we were having a drink after the film) so I just waited, to see if she would respond. She did, after some time, so clearly she'd heard me. (Bells' just gone for morning med). Is that another control thing? She said Bonnevaux was like boarding school to her. Her very strange, and outrageous, reaction when she was so "stressed and hassled" before we left for Poitiers. "Don't tell me what to do" she practically screamed at me in the car. She was moaning about not having had anything to eat, but she'd had an hour while we were all meditating - she was stressing about her room/flat in Frome, and her all WCCM work, and "I don't talk to anyone except Laurence and (- someone else, Giovanni? -) about my work" as if it was some state secret. And a bit strange since Andrew is in charge here, no wonder he's pissed off with her. It sounded mad - that I was crossing some line by suggesting eating and not gettting stressed was more important than her volunteer management stuff. And her curious lack of reaction to what I'd said in my email to her. Again, mad / unbalanced seeming. Do Laurence et al see this?
And I wondered later if it was such a great idea being so open with her about my drinking / being sober - she was very unimpressed by the fact that I'd only been sober since October; I wonder how long she's been as mad as a bag of frogs. God knows what she could do with that if she wanted to start stirring, and I suspect she's quite manipulative - if Andrew's to be believed she's got Laurence and Giovanni wrapped round her little finger.
I had an idea for a petition to Pope Francis (at least as good as a petition for cats - I'm fighting a lonely battle to wipe out all the cats, or at least get them spayed / neutered - Minny's still not been done and Rebecca thinks she's pregnant again. Andrew came up to me yesterday saying how sad it was about the balck kitten, looking like chief mourner at some Victorian death fest, and I asked how it had died - it hadn't, it's just gone off to its new home. I howled with laughter. No wonder everyone hates me.)
Anyway, a worldwide mass, all Catholics invited to attend, at the same time(so it would be early in China, very late in Hawaii, say midday in Rome), for peace, for the planet, for the poor. If there's anything in this prayer / god mullarkey surely he'd pay attention if two billion odd human beings all asked him to something at once?
Comment on Critique - another piece about the insanity of the anti-semitism in the Labour Party trope.
"As I have definitely shared your articles and others on this topic and expressed supportive opinions of the same on Facebook and elsewhere, I suspect I may get suspended too (if anyone ever reads anything I post, which I suspect they don't!)
But the really frightening thing about this utterly synthetic campaign is that it may well in time lead to precisely the virulent and evil anti-Semitism it claims to be protesting about. Which may indeed be the intention i.e. that a rise in real anti-Semitism will drive more Jews into the arms of the Zionists and the current Israeli regime."
7pm - felt very fuck it when I got back from Costarama and dropping Elba off. No-one even noticed the altar rail had disappeared, which is almost shocking. Andrew mentioned the bone that had been used to anchor the rail to the wall, said J-C had found it, which is odd as I only revealed it when I took the altar rail away from the wall. j-C thinks it's human! If it is, it's a tiny child's femur. Or a dog or cat, which seems more likely. No-one wondered how the whole rail had disappeared. A bit of my shock is just ego, it would have been noticed, but if they didn't even spot it, it's almost flattering, I did such a neat job and hid the holes with furniture but they're supposed to be mindful and aware. It just reinforced a feeling I've had for several days, of being somehow alienated from everyone - hence the fuck it feeling. They don't seem to notice or even think how weird Rebecca is being to me at times, or maybe she's like that with everyone.
Andrew's asked me to lead meditation on Wednesday evening, which will be fun. Prepare it properly. He wants to show Laurence I'm really here, which makes me wonder what I've been doing and where I've been the last two weeks! Hope I get a chance to talk to Laurence, although I'm not sure what about. Oblating possibly. Or Bonnevaux's politics / personal relationships.
Still haven't had a response from Photonics about the inverter, or a peep out of Curtis Banks. Very odd.
Talked to Westcot about my Lloyds debt and agreed to increase my monthly payment to £40 - almost embarrassing how little I actually have to spend, apart from tobacco and treats, while here in my caravan. Forgot the gas for the caravan. And all the money I spent on the woodburner and the PV system, and the money I'll need to spend on the inverter. Never mind the escaping from Bonnevaux, if that ever needs to happen.
Too much novelty is exhausting. I think that's what the fuck its are about. I've had a good day, got stuff done and sorted, meditated (well, sat still with my eyes shut), moved the PV panel out of too obvious sight and connected the old car battery which seems to be charging OK, although my light keeps flickering as if there's a loose connection somewhere. Be nice to get the inverter here and have a proper working system, and be able to charge my laptop here and run the fridge. Then get on with the stove.
There's a lot of ego around, quite a bit of it mine. This is like a full on retreat, and every bit as disturbing.
Nice long chat with Felicity about Oscar's christening and the difficulties of bringing up little children with some kind of spiritual / religious sense. Her silly Catholic priest, who tried too hard or in the wrong way, and ended up putting her off a church christening altogether, and how tricky with coming up with something that isn't just a drinks party for adults. Aden and Lottie made a good go of their non-religious wedding. What is a christening about, if it's not just about 'welcoming a child into the church', and saving it from limbo? I think I annoyed people by having a long loud conversation outside the house after dark - I had to shout, it's along way to Iford Manor from here.
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